Today I drove 30 minutes to attend lecture at my church. I was so excited it's been so long since I've been able to go. I originally was going to go with others and then the plans changed so I decided I was still gonna drive out. When I got there I started feeling really anxious and stressed because parking was difficult and I'm new to the community and wasn't exactly sure what to do or where to enter so I called my friend and he told me to go to the front door and knock and someone would be there to let me in.
So I get to the front door (it is gated with the wood door behind it ajar) I knocked and waited and then I saw someone I recognized and said her name out loud. She got up walked to the door and closed it shut. I was confused and overcome with emotion. I walked back to my car and immediately started sobbing. In the moment I knew my reaction was disproportionate to what happened but I just couldn't regulate my emotions and I felt rejected by a community that is supposed to accept me. I allowed myself to cry knowing that the issue went deeper than the mishap that transpired, but I just am so tired of having little to no control over myself. I felt crazy reacting the way I did. I just gave up instead of trying to figure something else out. I feel pathetic. I tried my best to be normal.
So I get to the front door (it is gated with the wood door behind it ajar) I knocked and waited and then I saw someone I recognized and said her name out loud. She got up walked to the door and closed it shut. I was confused and overcome with emotion. I walked back to my car and immediately started sobbing. In the moment I knew my reaction was disproportionate to what happened but I just couldn't regulate my emotions and I felt rejected by a community that is supposed to accept me. I allowed myself to cry knowing that the issue went deeper than the mishap that transpired, but I just am so tired of having little to no control over myself. I felt crazy reacting the way I did. I just gave up instead of trying to figure something else out. I feel pathetic. I tried my best to be normal.