Does anyone else feel that they develop crushes/infatuation too quickly? Or is it my mind telling me it's too soon?
I feel eager to feel romantic love. I think everyone does. But the part that hurts the most is feeling like because of my PTSD I have a constantly moving target of when I'll be "healthy" enough to date. I can't trust my emotions to determine if it's PTSD, over-eagerness or what.I'm 24 year old female, and I've never gone on a date before.
I accidentally fell for someone in a matter of days. I can't recall feeling like this before. I tried to be cautious and give myself space to think clearly, but alas. The funny thing is, my therapist was quite concerned when I told her this because I'd never met this person before(I know, I'm mad at myself too). It's not like they mentioned they were looking for a girlfriend or anything, but I simply enjoyed their company. All of that lovey-dovey nonsense and all. They went on a vacation so I let them have their space for a couple days while I daydreamed about being the one to welcome them home.
They didn't message me until a couple days after they got back(they told me when they'd be returning). At this point, I told myself not to even bother anymore because if they liked me enough to message me, they would. Being the person I am, I texted them to check in despite the constant warnings to myself not to.
They responded quickly. They told me that they had something to tell me and that I was the only person they could tell. My mind went blank.
Turns out, they had hooked up with an old friend multiple times. And they were expecting me to be impressed and applaud them because I was that kind of supportive friend I guess. It hurt. This still hurts like hell. On top of all the other bullshit going on in my life, it was just too much.
I choked out whatever words I could(via text) and turned off my phone for a couple days. Today, I told them that I'm going to be keeping to myself for a couple days.
It feels like it's all my doing. I understand that you have to be comfortable with yourself first before getting into a relationship. But I'm a human being. I can't help but feel envy for my abusers because they've found someone to accept them completely. I feel stupid for falling so quickly. I feel stupid for getting upset, I feel stupid for expecting them to even care or realize that I'm upset. I don't know what I expect really? I guess with all the magic stuff they told me about how I'm so interesting and whatever... Is it my imagination, or just a casualty of war? I feel greedy for being upset because I should be lucky that there are people that want to talk to me in the first place.
I guess I just needed to vent. I hate that at this point, I'm basing all my self worth on whether or not I can find a romantic partner. I could find solace in my hobbies and get confidence from those from the most part, even at my most depressed. Now, I don't even know if I feel human. I would never force anyone to date me, but I can't help but feel like a mistake that modern science can't correct. I know heartbreak can't be avoided, but I'm starting to feel like maybe I should realize quickly that no one will ever think of me in such a way besides my abuser. I have no romantic experience and I can't help but feel that anyone who wants to date a 24+ year old virgin with psychological issues is just going to take advantage of me. Add the fact that I'm not exactly conventionally attractive. Not to mention, the fact that people say 'oh guys will sleep with anyone' or 'a young woman like you shouldn't have problems dating' just make me feel like, I'm not even human. Worse than an insect.
But when I get new opportunities to try and reach out to people and prove myself it's not true... the worst happens. Whenever I try to think of positive interactions I've had, they were all with people who abused me. I'm lucky to have my best friend and roommate in my life, but I cannot let her carry the burden of being the only healthy relationship in my life.
I don't know how to get out of this dark place over something so small. I don't know if I'm not giving myself enough time to heal because all the healthy coping mechanisms I've learned from my therapist are like putting a band aid on a broken dam.
I feel eager to feel romantic love. I think everyone does. But the part that hurts the most is feeling like because of my PTSD I have a constantly moving target of when I'll be "healthy" enough to date. I can't trust my emotions to determine if it's PTSD, over-eagerness or what.I'm 24 year old female, and I've never gone on a date before.
I accidentally fell for someone in a matter of days. I can't recall feeling like this before. I tried to be cautious and give myself space to think clearly, but alas. The funny thing is, my therapist was quite concerned when I told her this because I'd never met this person before(I know, I'm mad at myself too). It's not like they mentioned they were looking for a girlfriend or anything, but I simply enjoyed their company. All of that lovey-dovey nonsense and all. They went on a vacation so I let them have their space for a couple days while I daydreamed about being the one to welcome them home.
They didn't message me until a couple days after they got back(they told me when they'd be returning). At this point, I told myself not to even bother anymore because if they liked me enough to message me, they would. Being the person I am, I texted them to check in despite the constant warnings to myself not to.
They responded quickly. They told me that they had something to tell me and that I was the only person they could tell. My mind went blank.
Turns out, they had hooked up with an old friend multiple times. And they were expecting me to be impressed and applaud them because I was that kind of supportive friend I guess. It hurt. This still hurts like hell. On top of all the other bullshit going on in my life, it was just too much.
I choked out whatever words I could(via text) and turned off my phone for a couple days. Today, I told them that I'm going to be keeping to myself for a couple days.
It feels like it's all my doing. I understand that you have to be comfortable with yourself first before getting into a relationship. But I'm a human being. I can't help but feel envy for my abusers because they've found someone to accept them completely. I feel stupid for falling so quickly. I feel stupid for getting upset, I feel stupid for expecting them to even care or realize that I'm upset. I don't know what I expect really? I guess with all the magic stuff they told me about how I'm so interesting and whatever... Is it my imagination, or just a casualty of war? I feel greedy for being upset because I should be lucky that there are people that want to talk to me in the first place.
I guess I just needed to vent. I hate that at this point, I'm basing all my self worth on whether or not I can find a romantic partner. I could find solace in my hobbies and get confidence from those from the most part, even at my most depressed. Now, I don't even know if I feel human. I would never force anyone to date me, but I can't help but feel like a mistake that modern science can't correct. I know heartbreak can't be avoided, but I'm starting to feel like maybe I should realize quickly that no one will ever think of me in such a way besides my abuser. I have no romantic experience and I can't help but feel that anyone who wants to date a 24+ year old virgin with psychological issues is just going to take advantage of me. Add the fact that I'm not exactly conventionally attractive. Not to mention, the fact that people say 'oh guys will sleep with anyone' or 'a young woman like you shouldn't have problems dating' just make me feel like, I'm not even human. Worse than an insect.
But when I get new opportunities to try and reach out to people and prove myself it's not true... the worst happens. Whenever I try to think of positive interactions I've had, they were all with people who abused me. I'm lucky to have my best friend and roommate in my life, but I cannot let her carry the burden of being the only healthy relationship in my life.
I don't know how to get out of this dark place over something so small. I don't know if I'm not giving myself enough time to heal because all the healthy coping mechanisms I've learned from my therapist are like putting a band aid on a broken dam.