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Family, financials, and heartbreak

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Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
How do you deal with heartbreak?

This weekend I had a family situation that broke my heart, and last night I had a nightmare (the kind you wake up and your whole body aches) about a friend I had for almost two decades who shattered my heart. The family situation is that I am the sibling who does everything “right”, is respectful and kind, and has taken the time to dismantle my trauma and see my parents as humans who did their best. I pay for everything. I’m in college full time (which I pay for and have a high GPA), I run a business which I haven’t taken a day off since February bc I’m terrified of not having enough money if we lose the house, I’ve taken on internships which I had to quit bc I couldn’t afford them, I bought my own car, I pay for our dog’s haircuts and other stuff, I pay for my insurance, I’ve paid thousands of dollars in mental health care costs and medication costs to treat my PTSD, I’ve had to drop out of college twice because of PTSD but I’m still pursuing it. They paid thousands of dollars for my brother’s college, which he skipped and lied about going but failed out multiple times, my granddad bought him a car and he’s never paid a car loan, he’s done tons of illegal things they’ve bailed him out for, he’s made life altering mistakes they cleaned up, he doesn’t even pay his own car insurance and he’s 6 years older than me, and he hates my parent’s guts. My parents are in a financial situation for the past few years partially caused by my dad’s toxic family environment and it’s just been a stressful time. I’ve been helping where I can, and even paid for their groceries last week. Then it hit me—they asked me for grocery money when they’re still paying for his car insurance. And that has absolutely broken me.

They promised to pay me back, and we’ve even thought up an inventive idea to do it that would increase my equity and allow me to create income (business people lol). But it feels like a form of betrayal.

Triggered by that I believe I had a dream about a friend I had for 13 some years who gaslit and treated me like shit to impress new friends he made who literally had child porn on his phone and one who was the most insecure woman I’ve ever met. It was just me trying over and over again to tell him how he broke me but never getting the words out—not being heard, not being understood, not being respected. I know he could never give that to me but I’m Thinking it’s linked to my familial drama—not being seen. I don’t know what to do to feel better. I’ve just been taking care of myself the best I can, but it keeps clouding my mind.
 
Then it hit me—they asked me for grocery money when they’re still paying for his car insurance. And that has absolutely broken me.

I think ^ is much more than betrayal and I'm sorry you are hurting.

I suspect you won't feel much better until you untangle yourself from all of this.

A lot of what you are talking about ^ seems to revolve around money, financial security and emotional connections. That's all a really bad combination imo.
 
I suspect you won't feel much better until you untangle yourself from all of this.

A lot of what you are talking about ^ seems to revolve around money, financial security and emotional connections. That's all a really bad combination imo.

I've tried a lot of things, applying to a dozen jobs but all rejected me because I don't have my degree yet. I'm making more money with my business than I could doing anything else unless I was working more, and if I was working more for less I couldn't get through school on time to receive federal aid, which without I can't pay for college, and it ends in a year so I have to take a lot of credits to finish. My school is already 7x cheaper than my last one, and I still struggle to pay for it.

I'm not trying to be combative, I'm just expressing frustration because there doesn't seem to be a way out for me. Any way I do it I'd be miserable and overworked and wouldn't reach my goals. I don't know what else to do. I've even written a book in hopes that it would be a best seller and get me away. I just have to suck it up and move with my parents when they move to a cheaper state. I live in one of the most expensive areas in the country, there's no way I could live on my own. Everyone I know who does has help from their parents around here.

On the plus side I only have until Spring 2021 to graduate, and once I do I'm out. I think I can suck it up that long. I'm wondering if there's anything else I can do. I have no road map either because all of my family members are entangled in their own codependencies with money and none of them are independent of the others. Both sides of the family. And my friends either still live with their parents or they got jobs through nepotism and live essentially rent free or they are still in school. It makes me feel really hopeless and helpless and I don't know where to begin to get out.
 
I know you are not meaning to be combative and you don't come across that way either. :)

Acceptance that your sibling and parents will do whatever they like, give and receive without consulting you, may help you feel less vulnerable and miserable. How you get to some kind of acceptance might prove to be hard or even impossible.

I do think that the way parents treat their offspring especially when there is stark imbalance is so difficult to accept and continue to accept by siblings who are treated or viewed less favourably.

I'm very pleased you have a set time limit on how long you must stay with your parents. At least you have that.

Tightening up how much money you give to your parents when they obviously do have sufficient money themselves may help how you feel a little better. You sound rather overworked and certainly unappreciated.

I'm not suggesting you leave your parents and live independently. Only you can decide when that is right for you. Obviously there are reasons to stay and I understand that. It doesn't make it any easier though when you have a loser (sorry) brother who is receiving all of the assistance and flunking out however you know what they say about the squeaky wheel.

Keep going with your life plan @stangelongtrip. You certainly won't need to live with your parents forever. Your capacity for entrepreneurial business ideas and your tenacity for going after what you want will serve you well for sure.
 
Keep going with your life plan @stangelongtrip. You certainly won't need to live with your parents forever. Your capacity for entrepreneurial business ideas and your tenacity for going after what you want will serve you well for sure.

thank you for your kind words @blackemerald1 . I talked to my T and we worked on me communicating my emotions to them (and others---I NEVER communicate when someone has hurt me unless I trust them 100%, and there's only one person in my life I can trust enough to do that with). My parents have been so much better recently than they have been in years previous, but I learned that my emotions were bad from them. Since I've been healing they've been trying to, to the point my dad who I was afraid of for years corrects himself when he makes assumptions, or expresses himself with words instead of ANGER lol. So it's a process, but I'm terrified of telling people how I'm feeling because I think they're going to leave or yell at me.
 
I'm terrified of telling people how I'm feeling because I think they're going to leave or yell at me
You have to let people in, so they can help you ( I am like u) I have a business and run myself into the ground with no one ever offering me a hand-out. Just get some extra, well-deserving rest and the next day will be sooooo much better. You'll be better and your business will get better, as well.
 
I am sorry you had this thrown at your face. It is obvious you are successful and strong. It also seems regardless how much you recover and succeed, your inner child still wants validation and acknowledgement from your parents and recogtion you are better than the brother. In my experience this only happens in the movies. I gave up expectation with mine....and can see their shit a mile away. I get out of the way.
I hope u see your own amazing worth!
 
Thank you @Deanna . I'm definitely a "do it all myself" person. I'll ask for help rarely and rarely let people in. It's easier for me to maintain relationships at a distance too, like it's easier to ask for help when they can't see me lol.

Thank you @grit you make a good point. Closure is just something they made to sell movies lol!! I think that's a quote from a show haha.
 
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