Strangelongtrip
MyPTSD Pro
How do you deal with heartbreak?
This weekend I had a family situation that broke my heart, and last night I had a nightmare (the kind you wake up and your whole body aches) about a friend I had for almost two decades who shattered my heart. The family situation is that I am the sibling who does everything “right”, is respectful and kind, and has taken the time to dismantle my trauma and see my parents as humans who did their best. I pay for everything. I’m in college full time (which I pay for and have a high GPA), I run a business which I haven’t taken a day off since February bc I’m terrified of not having enough money if we lose the house, I’ve taken on internships which I had to quit bc I couldn’t afford them, I bought my own car, I pay for our dog’s haircuts and other stuff, I pay for my insurance, I’ve paid thousands of dollars in mental health care costs and medication costs to treat my PTSD, I’ve had to drop out of college twice because of PTSD but I’m still pursuing it. They paid thousands of dollars for my brother’s college, which he skipped and lied about going but failed out multiple times, my granddad bought him a car and he’s never paid a car loan, he’s done tons of illegal things they’ve bailed him out for, he’s made life altering mistakes they cleaned up, he doesn’t even pay his own car insurance and he’s 6 years older than me, and he hates my parent’s guts. My parents are in a financial situation for the past few years partially caused by my dad’s toxic family environment and it’s just been a stressful time. I’ve been helping where I can, and even paid for their groceries last week. Then it hit me—they asked me for grocery money when they’re still paying for his car insurance. And that has absolutely broken me.
They promised to pay me back, and we’ve even thought up an inventive idea to do it that would increase my equity and allow me to create income (business people lol). But it feels like a form of betrayal.
Triggered by that I believe I had a dream about a friend I had for 13 some years who gaslit and treated me like shit to impress new friends he made who literally had child porn on his phone and one who was the most insecure woman I’ve ever met. It was just me trying over and over again to tell him how he broke me but never getting the words out—not being heard, not being understood, not being respected. I know he could never give that to me but I’m Thinking it’s linked to my familial drama—not being seen. I don’t know what to do to feel better. I’ve just been taking care of myself the best I can, but it keeps clouding my mind.
This weekend I had a family situation that broke my heart, and last night I had a nightmare (the kind you wake up and your whole body aches) about a friend I had for almost two decades who shattered my heart. The family situation is that I am the sibling who does everything “right”, is respectful and kind, and has taken the time to dismantle my trauma and see my parents as humans who did their best. I pay for everything. I’m in college full time (which I pay for and have a high GPA), I run a business which I haven’t taken a day off since February bc I’m terrified of not having enough money if we lose the house, I’ve taken on internships which I had to quit bc I couldn’t afford them, I bought my own car, I pay for our dog’s haircuts and other stuff, I pay for my insurance, I’ve paid thousands of dollars in mental health care costs and medication costs to treat my PTSD, I’ve had to drop out of college twice because of PTSD but I’m still pursuing it. They paid thousands of dollars for my brother’s college, which he skipped and lied about going but failed out multiple times, my granddad bought him a car and he’s never paid a car loan, he’s done tons of illegal things they’ve bailed him out for, he’s made life altering mistakes they cleaned up, he doesn’t even pay his own car insurance and he’s 6 years older than me, and he hates my parent’s guts. My parents are in a financial situation for the past few years partially caused by my dad’s toxic family environment and it’s just been a stressful time. I’ve been helping where I can, and even paid for their groceries last week. Then it hit me—they asked me for grocery money when they’re still paying for his car insurance. And that has absolutely broken me.
They promised to pay me back, and we’ve even thought up an inventive idea to do it that would increase my equity and allow me to create income (business people lol). But it feels like a form of betrayal.
Triggered by that I believe I had a dream about a friend I had for 13 some years who gaslit and treated me like shit to impress new friends he made who literally had child porn on his phone and one who was the most insecure woman I’ve ever met. It was just me trying over and over again to tell him how he broke me but never getting the words out—not being heard, not being understood, not being respected. I know he could never give that to me but I’m Thinking it’s linked to my familial drama—not being seen. I don’t know what to do to feel better. I’ve just been taking care of myself the best I can, but it keeps clouding my mind.