Undiagnosed Family has gaslighted me into insanity

Brandon

New Here
Hello, my name is Brandon I'm in my late 20s and my dad admitted last year after 26 years of pain that he did it all to drive me insane. I believe my parents are psychopaths aa far as my family they're either enablers or Narcissists. My whole family has done it to me but my dad finally admitted it. I don't even know where to begin with my story but here it goes: I was around the age of 5 when I started to feel depressed (before I even knew what the word "depression" meant. That year was the year I got held back (which would eventually shape my entire future) From that point on things just got worse and worse. By the age of 8 and 9 things got even worse as I come from a family of alcoholics and my dad was one so he would come home and my mom would make up something and my dad would either whip me with a belt or bare bottom spank me in front of my siblings until my mom told him to stop. Eventually it just turned into flat out gaslighting. I was by definition and still am the family scapegoat. My whole life I have never had a single genuine connection with a non abusive person. I have been critized, mocked, and psychologically tormented for years by my family and everyone I've ever known in my life. My whole life has been nothing, but a horror movie. And it gets worse. She started to get sick ALL the time. It got to the point where we would be arguing about something and she would pretend her back hurts by groaning in pain. This happened so frequently that I began to suspect that she might be doing that on purpose. Not to mention she coerced me for years to be on all different kinds of medications that made me even worse as the sucidal thoughts increased x10. My story is much much longer than anything I could ever write on this site but I finally had to leave after my dad attempted to kill me. I'm currently homeless with barely any money, no job, and way less life skills than most people. My reality is so distorted I don't know who I am when I look in thr mirror and I can barely understand basic concepts after the years of gaslighting. I'm severely suicidal and see no way out anymore. My whole life has been completely ruined. My emotions are shot, my soul is dead, and my mind is not my own anymore. I'm literally hanging on a thread and I catch myself moaning and rocking back and forth uncontrollably barely alive but not quite dead. I'm in the state of Illinois if anyone I mean anyone can help me find good free or low cost resources or someone who really understands my trauma PLEASE DONT HESISITATE I'm on the verge of laying down and dying.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Hey.

So... good news, you're having very common problems with very usual and boring and understandable abusers :sneaky:

Aka not going insane.
And definitely not dying from it, unless there's huge chunks you left out.

It sounds more like deppression, or PTSD numb, or some cross over of the two, also very typical for... wide range of mental health issues really, numb and depressed.

Have you been diagnosed with PTSD?
Are you in touch with a therapist, I take it still looking for one from your request of help?

I would prioritize getting a home.
When you have somewhere to live, solid self care & getting the most social support you can.
Then getting work.
Then getting a therapist.
Who can help with all the grievances about your family. :sneaky:
 

Whirlwind

MyPTSD Pro
You are in your late 20’s.

You have time. Time to deal with this and decades of good life to live. The intensity of your post, on one hand I congratulate you because you now know you weren’t “crazy”! However awareness can come as a debilitating shock and you very well could be in the midst of emotion flashbacking. It can really mess with your mind. But it is a good mind, just reeling from connections And realizations.

My FOO was a probable Narc and the other severe mentally ill. I married a person who the docs later determined was on the psychopathy spectrum. He literally planned a trap for me. It’s movie material ridiculous.

Not about me but I share only so you know you are not alone and it can all seem surreal and crazy making.

You have time to deal with all this...first step find some local help. Forget your preconceptions, don’t let being a man stop you...call the DV hotline now and ask for help. They will find your resources. They will give you options...call every one they offer.

You have nothing to lose and this heinous time is the beginning of a new great clear minded life. Things can change so fast! For now try and ignore your emotions and make those calls.

All the best! You can do it, you can.

Whirlwind
 

joeylittle

Administrator
Hi @Brandon - welcome.

the National Alliance on Mental Illness - NAMI for short - has excellent resources listed for people in the US.
I'm in the state of Illinois if anyone I mean anyone can help me find good free or low cost resources or someone who really understands my trauma PLEASE DONT HESISITATE
Here's a link to the info page for Illinois. Try and go through the resources they list. Scroll down, and look for the resources in your county. It will take a little time to do so, but I'd be surprised if there weren't some leads in there that you can follow up on. They are a great organization.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
Hello, my name is Brandon I'm in my late 20s and my dad admitted last year after 26 years of pain that he did it all to drive me insane. I believe my parents are psychopaths aa far as my family they're either enablers or Narcissists. My whole family has done it to me but my dad finally admitted it. I don't even know where to begin with my story but here it goes: I was around the age of 5 when I started to feel depressed (before I even knew what the word "depression" meant. That year was the year I got held back (which would eventually shape my entire future) From that point on things just got worse and worse. By the age of 8 and 9 things got even worse as I come from a family of alcoholics and my dad was one so he would come home and my mom would make up something and my dad would either whip me with a belt or bare bottom spank me in front of my siblings until my mom told him to stop. Eventually it just turned into flat out gaslighting. I was by definition and still am the family scapegoat. My whole life I have never had a single genuine connection with a non abusive person. I have been critized, mocked, and psychologically tormented for years by my family and everyone I've ever known in my life. My whole life has been nothing, but a horror movie. And it gets worse. She started to get sick ALL the time. It got to the point where we would be arguing about something and she would pretend her back hurts by groaning in pain. This happened so frequently that I began to suspect that she might be doing that on purpose. Not to mention she coerced me for years to be on all different kinds of medications that made me even worse as the sucidal thoughts increased x10. My story is much much longer than anything I could ever write on this site but I finally had to leave after my dad attempted to kill me. I'm currently homeless with barely any money, no job, and way less life skills than most people. My reality is so distorted I don't know who I am when I look in thr mirror and I can barely understand basic concepts after the years of gaslighting. I'm severely suicidal and see no way out anymore. My whole life has been completely ruined. My emotions are shot, my soul is dead, and my mind is not my own anymore. I'm literally hanging on a thread and I catch myself moaning and rocking back and forth uncontrollably barely alive but not quite dead. I'm in the state of Illinois if anyone I mean anyone can help me find good free or low cost resources or someone who really understands my trauma PLEASE DONT HESISITATE I'm on the verge of laying down and dying.

Being someone who gets gaslighted is awful.....been there and done that, too. You have courage to acknowledge the chaos, their wrongdoing and see it as gaslighting. You are not the scapegoat if you aren't there to take their abuse....and that kind of relationship is manipulative....it is not belonging! That is the hardest part-going low/no contact with the people who were supposed to love and care for you....That was a brave thing to do! Stay the course .....take care of YOU!

Friday's suggestion about getting basic services and health care are a good idea through your state's NAMI. Keep coming back here. Life can be worth living....but you'll need to take care of your basics and safety first. Good luck, keep in touch.
 

Brandon

New Here
Hey, I just thought I would keep you guys updated it seems to be getting worse. I believe the situstion is much..much bigger than just with my family. To many weird thinga have been happening I've been getting weird calls telling me prescriptions are ready for me under an unknown name. And then I went to the store the othee day tk get some work done under my computer when they finished they called me and told me it was under a different name. The exact name from the call I got the other day telling me I had a prescription. I have been hearing people reference songs when talking to me that I had just listened to a day ago. I was driving today and somone came behind me while driving and set off their car alarm. It sounds crazy and paranoid, but I think I might be being targeted. I have no idea how to make it stop and with barely any money I'm pretty much screwed. I have heard stories of people being stalked by groups of people and I never really believed in it before, but now it really seems to be happening to me. I don't know how much longer I can hold onto my sanity. I fear that it may be too late for me to find peace and live somewhat of a normal life. I'm beyond scared and I just want it all to end. I don't know what I did to deserve all this. I am already so broken and dead inside I do believe it will escalate and I will either end up dead or severely ill.
 

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
Is there a reason why you would be being targeted? These things are rarely random, not the victims fault at all, that's not what I'm saying, but people are usually able to pinpoint who/why it would be happening.

And do you have any access to mental health resources in person? Try out NAMI, but some charities have drop in stuff to talk things through, definitely worth a look to see if there's any around you. I know it's difficult when you're homeless etc, but there also might be resources specifically for people in your situation.

Stay safe yeh
 

Brandon

New Here
I really can't give you an answer as to why its happening to be honest. I have had crazy things happen to me my whole life. I don't even have as much as a misdemeanor on my record. All I have been trying to do for years is get on with my life. I have never f*cked anyone ovee and that is the honest truth. My family were the ones doing these things to me since as early as I can remember. I called them out on their bullshit after 26 years calling my mom and dad narcissists so I that could have defintely set it off. As far as what I did to them to deserve it?! I've never done a single thing to them ever. Absolutely nothing and I would take that to my grave. I just want this shit to end.
 

Brandon

New Here
I have finally figured out that I have always been the Scapegoat in the family. I would question everything and not put up with verbal abuse and manipulation like my brother and sister would always justifying my parents tyrant behavior in anyway they could. I truly feel like I'm living in a nightmare. I've never stole anything, I've never sold drugs, nothing. I've literally drove myself almost insane.
 

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry, I think you misunderstood. I didn't mean what did you do to deserve it, I meant is there a group of people who would target you? Or do your family have the power and influence to pull that off? Yeah, scapegoating from families is awful and crazy-making, but it's valuable to be able to step back and decide what they could be behind and what it probably coincidence
 

Brandon

New Here
Sorry, I think you misunderstood. I didn't mean what did you do to deserve it, I meant is there a group of people who would target you? Or do your family have the power and influence to pull that off? Yeah, scapegoating from families is awful and crazy-making, but it's valuable to be able to step back and decide what they could be behind and what it probably coincidence
I've been thinking about that a lot actually lately. I grew up in a very religious cult environment so its very possible they have connections. I have seen various people from my church that I don't exactly know well all of a sudden just show up to where I which waa really suspicious. That has never happened before until I caused a shitstorm in my family last year. They keep tabs on me like a f*cking coyote chasing a deer. Its beyond insane. Every sentence that ever came out of there mouth was to milk me for information about where I'm going or what I'm going to be doing at all hours of the day. I'm getting off track here, but as far as connections I know my mother is a director at Kindercare. I don't know much else. She has full control of everyone financially (which is beyond scary) My parents both tried getting Power of Attourney over me and then tried to get it financially, but ultimately failed. They're and have literally tried to turn me into their puppet, its truly terrifying when you're currently living an actual horror movie and the worst part is everyone just labels you as "mentally ill". Anyway back to the topic at hand my dad used to
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Brandon, homie look for other explanations.

You got enough problems than add a conspiracy to them.

Besides, better equipped to sort stuff once stable. Not when u fretting about what them other niggas do.
 
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