Family Meal... Anxiety!!!

[Smile]

I cut myself off from the family meal today.

We had a family meal last night & I kind of yelled at my sister for being late. Not to much yelled, jumped down her throat as soon as she walked in the door.

Funny thing is, I wasn't even that upset. My mom had been upset and kept making comments about how rude my sister was being so I immediately went into "Mother Protective" mode.

2 minutes later I went over to my sis and apologized... She acted nasty (her defense mechanism). I said, 'hey, I'm just trying to apologize' to which she replied, just give me some time.

Ok, I did. The rest of the meal she pretty much ignored me. Very tense but I managed because I had taken a painkiller so was able to ignore the fact that SHE was ignoring me.

Today, when I came out of my room, she was there together with some others. Gave me a cold hello. Then my 5 year old niece kept telling me to 'get away from me!' Which is weird because she usually loves me.

Immediately I think the probability is really high that my niece overheard my sister talking about me.

And then my mind just blows up. I'm thinking this meal is going to be impossible to navigate. Who knows who else will be nasty... Who else has she spoken to???

So I go back to my room, take a double dose of Xanax and post this

I'm sooooo sensitive to vibes from others that right now I feel like my body is being attacked by tiny darts

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: @Smile I'm sorry you are in such a panic right now. I hate it when my family is upset - it gets to me like nothing else. It's like... ugh. It's intense. I can be really sensitive to it too. It's great you are reaching out for support to handle this.

Yelling at your sister wasn't the most effective way to help your mother, and it did clearly upset her. Your sister may have already been in a bad place from running late anyhow. You did the right thing to apologize, and quickly, (kudos!) and then gave her space when she asked for it (double kudos!). Your mistake doesn't give her the right to be a jerk back, nor to drag your niece into it. It also doesn't make what you did ok.

In the end, if you continue to act with kindness and maturity about your error, your niece will likely come around. I remember my older family members bad-mouthing each other to me, and I initially got caught up in it, but like most kids, I eventually saw through it.

Some of the anxiety you are feeling right now may actually be rebound anxiety, rather than an accurate measure of the amount bad vibes among the family members. Even if your sense of the bad vibes is right, the rebound effects of taking painkillers to manage the anxiety of family dinners is a path to increased anxiety and depression - in the short and long term. It is not actually a way to decrease anxiety. It may feel good in the moment, but it's likely backfiring on you.

Your anxiety is your body's way of telling you that your brain believes there is danger. Panic is our brain trying to protect us from danger and putting the body into the fight or flight mode. This anxiety was probably initially brought on by your mother's upset, and may have fueled your yelling at your sister. (Fight mode) and now you are in a state of high panic (flight mode).

The first thing to do is to ground. And then ground some more. And then ground again until you hate grounding. Try holding ice, doing some deep breathing, mindfully notice what you can in this moment that is safe. Doing 4 square breathing is one way to tell your body it's ok slow down. It triggers the parasympathetic nervous system to kick in and clam the body down. Breathe in 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, breathe out 4 seconds. An ER doc taught me this and it can help some people when triggered by family.

Then, step back and try to assess: Is there danger at this family dinner? Or will it more likely be people in crabby moods and perhaps still irked that you make a mistake and yelled at them? If there is the potential for serious danger, that's one thing to prepare for.

But if is crabby moods and frustration with you that you will be dealing with, then this is a place to ground, challenge yourself to remember that you are safe, and focus on building boundaries - both internal and external boundaries. If your sister is giving off more bad vibes, imagine you are in a bubble, and her energy can't get inside it. If internal boundaries like that are not going to work, then external boundaries may be in order. One thing that sometimes works for me with upset family, is to say, "I can tell you are hurt and will gladly talk to you about your concerns after dinner." If you expect more comments from your niece, show your niece your kindness by not giving into running away or trying to protect your mom by yelling again.

No matter what, remind yourself as much as you can, you are safe. (if this is true).You made a mistake, people are going to be mad for awhile, but this will pass.

Remind yourself that the best way you help your mother is by taking really good care of you, and lowering your anxiety in safe and healthy ways. It's the best way to deal with your sister too. Letting her get a rise out of you is probably exactly what she wants in this moment.

It's so super easy to say, but I know it's really hard to do. You can do this. :hug:

 

[Friday]

Yup. When we attack others, sometimes the consequences of that last for awhile.

 

[Smile]

@Justmehere ... Wow. Just wow. Thank you SO much. You've given me so much helpful advice and we're not afraid to tell it like it is. I can't thank you enough!

 

[Smile]

@Justmehere , one quick question. I thought grounding was for dissociation? Does it help with panic attacks as well?

 

[Justmehere]

Yep, grounding is for panic attacks as well. (Google grounding and panic attacks, and tons of articles will come up for it.) I have actually found it quite effective to do a lot of the same things I do for dissociation for panic as well.

 

[Smile]

Thanks! @Justmehere , just to give you an update (it's only fair), I used your 4 square breathing (which I had never heard of) and did some mindfulness exercise and then spoke to my sister.

It went perfectly! And I must thank you because you reminded me to ground before going into the conversation which really helped me to stay calm & reasonable AND to keep my sisters side of things in mind. So... Thanks a whole big bunch!

 

[Justmehere]

Wow, @Smile - great work!!!

 

[Smile]

Thanks to YOU :)