I have been struggling with an issue and hope some of you maybe have a better way of reacting or advice or idea or share an experience.
All of sudden, I got a text from a sister telling me that our brother who is in town where I live (we live different provinces), decided to move here. She said that this is something she never understood but no matter what he cannot do the planning of finding a housing, the disability office, apply for health card, and basically settle. Oh boy was I triggered!
The brother in question has been in and out of jail, addicted all his life, has serious physical health as well that can render him disabled to be on a wheelchair if he does not take meds (which is a battle), and is quite violent, the personality of a wall (not exaggerating here). He came here on vacation on a ticket my sister paid. So when he came here and inhaled the whiff of the vacation and being a guest at a brother's house (different city), the idea of this is maybe being a paradise must crossed his mind and now all of sudden without any support, prospect, real tangible reason, he decides to move here and the obligation is I, will do the planning and settling for him. This assumption is a trigger for my boundaries cause I do not make assumption in my family anymore.
I want to add he has been sober for 11 months, actually the vacation gift was for that cleaning up. This is not obviously the first clean up but one of countless times.
My reaction was tenfold. To my sister, I said please do not send me triggering text (I could sense she was avoiding a real conversation). and also please delete the assumption that I will jump on helping and getting involved impossible things in the family. I also said similar things many times before.
My reaction to my brother was a bit more problematic. I am happy for him cleaning up once again. I think him moving to here without any real purpose other than I will go to the GYM sounds so f*cked up and irresponsible. So I struggled. I am still struggling. No one in the family is saying anything to him cause he can flip to wacko doodle or let us not hurt him or reject him. So I wrote a nice text so he could read rather than select what to hear or not. and I said basically I am happy for him but could he please reconsider moving since times have changed, housing, disability cheques, and all things govt programs are not what they used to be. Where he lived before he has a lot of siblings, my mother (his first addiction) also lives there occasionally so coming here without friends, I am not going to see him much at all and being an addict just sounded really a bad mix.
He called me back without reading my text (so quick) and basically berated me on his business and that he is a man and can do whatever he wanted. I kept calm but made very clear I do not have time to do any bidding or planning for him and wished him well. Addiction is huge in my family but addiction with certain personality I do not like. I had another brother who was addict but with sad and reasonable personality. The major issue with this one is he anti-social and can be very violent when he loses so another task will be police involvement which I am not also interested in bailing him out or caring much to be real frank here.
I am feeling guilty about this and cannot sort it out at the moment. I know this is very specific issue but I wonder how others deal with addicted family member who has huge entitlement that things will work out cause others will be guilted to do on their behalf...this is my feeling and I am not sure if this is me - (my default to survival mode) or being reasonable and aware of my boundaries and running for my sanity.
What would you have done? What have you done in similar situation? What would a reasonable person do in such situation? I feel I could have ignored the whole thing - but this is where family obligation is coming from ....whatever that means honestly. idk
I have been simmering in this for while and I am feeling a bit moody cause it is like a stench on my body.
All of sudden, I got a text from a sister telling me that our brother who is in town where I live (we live different provinces), decided to move here. She said that this is something she never understood but no matter what he cannot do the planning of finding a housing, the disability office, apply for health card, and basically settle. Oh boy was I triggered!
The brother in question has been in and out of jail, addicted all his life, has serious physical health as well that can render him disabled to be on a wheelchair if he does not take meds (which is a battle), and is quite violent, the personality of a wall (not exaggerating here). He came here on vacation on a ticket my sister paid. So when he came here and inhaled the whiff of the vacation and being a guest at a brother's house (different city), the idea of this is maybe being a paradise must crossed his mind and now all of sudden without any support, prospect, real tangible reason, he decides to move here and the obligation is I, will do the planning and settling for him. This assumption is a trigger for my boundaries cause I do not make assumption in my family anymore.
I want to add he has been sober for 11 months, actually the vacation gift was for that cleaning up. This is not obviously the first clean up but one of countless times.
My reaction was tenfold. To my sister, I said please do not send me triggering text (I could sense she was avoiding a real conversation). and also please delete the assumption that I will jump on helping and getting involved impossible things in the family. I also said similar things many times before.
My reaction to my brother was a bit more problematic. I am happy for him cleaning up once again. I think him moving to here without any real purpose other than I will go to the GYM sounds so f*cked up and irresponsible. So I struggled. I am still struggling. No one in the family is saying anything to him cause he can flip to wacko doodle or let us not hurt him or reject him. So I wrote a nice text so he could read rather than select what to hear or not. and I said basically I am happy for him but could he please reconsider moving since times have changed, housing, disability cheques, and all things govt programs are not what they used to be. Where he lived before he has a lot of siblings, my mother (his first addiction) also lives there occasionally so coming here without friends, I am not going to see him much at all and being an addict just sounded really a bad mix.
He called me back without reading my text (so quick) and basically berated me on his business and that he is a man and can do whatever he wanted. I kept calm but made very clear I do not have time to do any bidding or planning for him and wished him well. Addiction is huge in my family but addiction with certain personality I do not like. I had another brother who was addict but with sad and reasonable personality. The major issue with this one is he anti-social and can be very violent when he loses so another task will be police involvement which I am not also interested in bailing him out or caring much to be real frank here.
I am feeling guilty about this and cannot sort it out at the moment. I know this is very specific issue but I wonder how others deal with addicted family member who has huge entitlement that things will work out cause others will be guilted to do on their behalf...this is my feeling and I am not sure if this is me - (my default to survival mode) or being reasonable and aware of my boundaries and running for my sanity.
What would you have done? What have you done in similar situation? What would a reasonable person do in such situation? I feel I could have ignored the whole thing - but this is where family obligation is coming from ....whatever that means honestly. idk
I have been simmering in this for while and I am feeling a bit moody cause it is like a stench on my body.