Childhood Father emotionally/mentally/physically abusive. How does anyone let a child go through this???

LisaZ

New Here
My father was in Vietnam and came home when I was 18 months old after seeing me one other time. My life with him and my mother changed drastically. I have no memory of him at this age but I am told he spanked me every time I got out of bed. I had been sleeping in my mothers bed from the time of birth till he came home. My earliest memory of him was when I was 5 yrs old, he wanted to "teach" me to make up my bed before school. He instructed me to do so. I made up my bed then went an got him as instructed. He came to my bed took one look an then dug change out of his pocket. He pulled out a nickel and said if I did it correctly it would bounce. Well it didn't bounce. He pulled everything off my bed and instructed me to do it again and again. He eventually had to stop because I was going to be late to school. This was my whole life. doing and redoing. Maybe that doesn't sound that bad but factor in the constant yelling screaming banging fists etc. It's easy to see why a 5 yr old wouldn't be able to make up a bed let alone sleep soundly in said bed. Let me tell you how many times I washed dishes in one setting. UGH!!! I cried all the time. I was severely depressed. I was told by my mother as well as other family members that I rub him the wrong way. My brother and sister joined in on the abuse later in life. I am singled out all the time as the trouble maker. It's depressing but I have a awesome supportive husband that has seen the abuse I endured.He saw I was treated differently than my sister or brother.
I was yelled at during dinner time for scraping my fork against my plate, drinking after every bite, sawing my meat, eating everything one item at a time, you name it, he found ways to yell at me for everything. Homework was a particular issue because If I didn't understand he would get angry at me and start banging his fists on the table. Everyone had to jump for dishes to prevent them from falling and breaking. I had to sit next to him, I would try to take another spot and he would make me move. Needless to say, I was a terrible student. There is decades of more so I need to write a book.
My question is HOW DOES ANYONE LET A CHILD GO THROUGH THIS??????????????????????????????
Thank you for anything you can give me. even just a "like".
Lisa
 

Friday

Moderator
Putting on my StaffHat for a moment 🤠 : I edited your title to connect with more members.

Aaaaaand now back to replying as a member! 😁

My question is HOW DOES ANYONE LET A CHILD GO THROUGH THIS??????????????????????????????
Some people are simply terrible parents. Meanwhile, unless those same terrible parents agree to it? Everyone else aware of the situation is essentially powerless, even if they’re doing everything they can think of, or are stretching the law to its limits.

It’s not fair, but when has life ever been fair?

The only thing I can speak of with absolute certainty, it that it’s never the kids’ fault who their parents are, nor how those parents behave. Whether they have the best parents in the world, parents who are trying their best, or the kind of parents who shouldn’t even be responsible for raising a goldfish, much less put in charge of children. Parents? Are just people. Some people are amazing, most have their faults, whilst others should be nuked from orbit. That’s on them. Not anyone else. How we treat others? Is an ongoing series of decisions on our part. You, me, them, anyone.
 

LisaZ

New Here
Putting on my StaffHat for a moment 🤠: I edited your title to connect with more members.

Aaaaaand now back to replying as a member! 😁


Some people are simply terrible parents. Meanwhile, unless those same terrible parents agree to it? Everyone else aware of the situation is essentially powerless, even if they’re doing everything they can think of, or are stretching the law to its limits.

It’s not fair, but when has life ever been fair?

The only thing I can speak of with absolute certainty, it that it’s never the kids’ fault who their parents are, nor how those parents behave. Whether they have the best parents in the world, parents who are trying their best, or the kind of parents who shouldn’t even be responsible for raising a goldfish, much less put in charge of children. Parents? Are just people. Some people are amazing, most have their faults, whilst others should be nuked from orbit. That’s on them. Not anyone else. How we treat others? Is an ongoing series of decisions on our part. You, me, them, anyone.
Thank you for that. I appreciate your help. I agree with everything you said, but mostly with nothing is fair.
 

LuckiLee

MyPTSD Pro
My guy is a combat veteran who is estranged from his 3 grown children because of the reasons you mention. He was a horrible parent/person when he was untreated and out of the service.

I'm sorry he put you through all of that. None of it was your fault.
 

LisaZ

New Here
My guy is a combat veteran who is estranged from his 3 grown children because of the reasons you mention. He was a horrible parent/person when he was untreated and out of the service.

I'm sorry he put you through all of that. None of it was your fault.
Which is better with or without? I say without.
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
So, my mom stayed with my dad until after I moved out. Actually, until my sister moved out. I remember asking her when I was 12 why she didn't divorce him. She said that if she did, she'd lose us.

My dad never hit my mom, but the emotional and psychological abuse was much worse. She was convinced she was a bad mom (she wasn't), that we hated her (we didn't), and that he could get away with anything (he probably could).

I don't blame my mom AT ALL for staying, and we are best friends now. She's 87, and I'm so grateful for her.
 

Weemie

MyPTSD Pro
I was yelled at during dinner time for scraping my fork against my plate, drinking after every bite, sawing my meat, eating everything one item at a time, you name it, he found ways to yell at me for everything.
Oh, lordie. This is where the PTSD really bites you in the ass, yeah? I wish you hadn't been through this. I have misophonia and PTSD and I used to get after my mom for clinking dishes and washing dishes, too. Sometimes she'd drop things and it just went through me like my nerves being rended through a grate.

It was selfish of me and abusive, too. I have a lot of regret for the way I treated her because she walks on eggshells around me now. We're working on repairing it. I've come a long way. My suspicion is your dad very likely never was able to do the internal work to look back at himself and realize what he'd done to you. Even if he did, it's still not your responsibility to forgive him. That's real hurt.

We in the biz call it "secondary PTSD." It is PTSD, but it's within the framework of being caused by someone else's PTSD. It's a very real thing. I'm sure there's more to it than that but just the stuff you mentioned made me think of the term.

I'm really sorry your father did that to you, and I'm sorry that no one around you had any ability to uplift you from those circumstances. My mom's an adult and even that was too harsh, but you were just a baby and should have been allowed to live and explore the world.
 

LisaZ

New Here
Oh, lordie. This is where the PTSD really bites you in the ass, yeah? I wish you hadn't been through this. I have misophonia and PTSD and I used to get after my mom for clinking dishes and washing dishes, too. Sometimes she'd drop things and it just went through me like my nerves being rended through a grate.

It was selfish of me and abusive, too. I have a lot of regret for the way I treated her because she walks on eggshells around me now. We're working on repairing it. I've come a long way. My suspicion is your dad very likely never was able to do the internal work to look back at himself and realize what he'd done to you. Even if he did, it's still not your responsibility to forgive him. That's real hurt.

We in the biz call it "secondary PTSD." It is PTSD, but it's within the framework of being caused by someone else's PTSD. It's a very real thing. I'm sure there's more to it than that but just the stuff you mentioned made me think of the term.

I'm really sorry your father did that to you, and I'm sorry that no one around you had any ability to uplift you from those circumstances. My mom's an adult and even that was too harsh, but you were just a baby and should have been allowed to live and explore the world.
I’ve been saying the same thing. He has PTSD but he would never admit or get help with it. Everyone that I have talked to about this say I should forgive him. That is so hard because he still tries to abuse me. I could have forgiven him a long time ago but with his continued abuse and trying control me made that very difficult.
My parents divorced once all of us kids moved out. My mother started getting the same abuse I did growing up and she couldn’t handle it either. She understands now what it’s like being a target. My mother and her side of the family are mostly deaf so that aided the abuse in both situations. My sister and brother never really got the “attention” I received so they seem to team up with Dad picking on me. I don’t talk to my brother because he treats me like dad did. My sister manipulates everyone so she was Daddy’s little princess. I guess I feel jealousy over this because I just want to be loved. Sorry for the long response but it is helping to get it out and talk to other people about this.
Thank you for your response,
Lisa
 

Weemie

MyPTSD Pro
I’ve been saying the same thing. He has PTSD but he would never admit or get help with it. Everyone that I have talked to about this say I should forgive him. That is so hard because he still tries to abuse me. I could have forgiven him a long time ago but with his continued abuse and trying control me made that very difficult.
My parents divorced once all of us kids moved out. My mother started getting the same abuse I did growing up and she couldn’t handle it either. She understands now what it’s like being a target. My mother and her side of the family are mostly deaf so that aided the abuse in both situations. My sister and brother never really got the “attention” I received so they seem to team up with Dad picking on me. I don’t talk to my brother because he treats me like dad did. My sister manipulates everyone so she was Daddy’s little princess. I guess I feel jealousy over this because I just want to be loved. Sorry for the long response but it is helping to get it out and talk to other people about this.
Thank you for your response,
Lisa
Oh of course! Talk and talk away. That's what we're here for.
 
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