Sufferer Father French kissing me

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I’m really confused about why my dad (57m) used to French kissed me (25f) when I was 5-7ish but never went farther than that. I didn’t feel like a victim when it happened I didn’t even know it was abnormal. But I feel so much dread and discomfort around my father and I’ve wanted to avoid him and not have a relationship with him at all but I feel so guilty for it and confused because what he did wasn’t even like he molested me. Why didn’t he just molest me so I could feel like I had a reason to feel so uncomfortable?

I doubt myself but I know these memories are real. I have always had them and they make sense a bit considering my dad and his history and issues but he never took it further. I don’t remember the kissing being that traumatizing but I do remember feeling so uncomfortable around him even though he’s always been the “nice” parent I always chose to be with my mom and to this day avoid him and dread seeing him or even talking to him.

Why did he say to my mom once, during an extremely intense fight,that his dad raped his sister (my aunt), but then deny and take it back and say it wasn’t true and he doesn’t know why he said that? Did he mean it?

The kissing didn’t feel weird or traumatic at the time. Why didn’t he just molest me if he stuck his tongue in my mouth and twirled it around. I’m grateful but I don’t understand. My mom said he kissed her the same way, like aggressive and really into French kissing. I’m so confused.

The fact that he didn’t molest me makes me doubt everything so. I don’t have any memories to process or anything, just some stupid kiss and a lifetime of weird gross sexual acting out, stripping online as a minor for old men and perverts, exhibitionism, wanting to be “used,” letting myself be exploited, turned on by abuse.

In a way, my mom — who has anger issues and once forced me when I was 13 to strip and lay on the bed to examine me (I lied and said I didn’t have pubic hair when I did and refused to undress for her until she forced me) then screamed at me while ordering me into the shower where she roughly washed my privates as I sobbed and she called me a “liar” and “dirty” and “so incompetent I couldn’t even wash myself by myself” (???) — was more like sexual abuse despite her having no sexual intent.

Sorry for all this. Thanks for reading. I just don’t understand either of my parents. Nothing makes sense. I don’t fit into a normal category. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t understand what happened to me or why or what my parents were thinking or thought they were doing.
Well, by definition, the kissing does count as sexual abuse of a child. That’s still sexual assault! I don’t think it needs to be worse to be valid-that’s pretty messed up and you’re within your right to feel bad about it. And shaming a kid isn’t right either, with what your mom did. I don’t know if that would be considered abuse in general or not but the fact that it was traumatic is still a valid reaction to such an experience.

Your therapist saying that about others having worse-I consider that completely unprofessional! That’s not something a therapist should say to anyone. Your experience is bad for you as someone else’s experience may be bad for them. It doesn’t matter how traumatic the experience is on some formal scale of opinion-how you react to trauma and how much pain your in from the situation is what matters. And easing the pain is the goal!

I’m sorry your therapist said that and I definitely agree that you should have a talk with them and tell them that was uncalled for. Everyone’s trauma is valid and trauma olympics doesn’t help ANYONE.

Aside from that, though, welcome to the forum! I’m relatively knew here but I know what’s it like to be abused by your father figure in such a way. It’s truly devastating when a parental figure, who is supposed to love and care for you, takes advantage like that. I’m sorry for the experiences that brought you here but you’re definitely not alone!
Welcome to the forum.

It is very confusing when things are sexual but not or doesn't feel sexual but is. Massive brain mess for a child to comprehend. It is confusing. So not suprising you feel confused.
My mum was odd with my body too (similar thing with me with her trying to take my first public hair off, and various other things).

Whatever labels you want to put on what they did to you: it's left you with this trauma and these traumatic feelings.

I hope coming on this forum helps.
Do not discount your pain or compare it to anyone else. That's not fair to you. What happened to you was molestation by any reasonable standard. It was painful and is something you have clearly suffered from. It's not like you are some delicate snowflake or something. You were treated badly in a power dynamic by someone that had complete and utter control over you while you were essentially powerless and helpless. That's never right.

The important thing is, you're doing something about it and you're here trying to understand it. I have every hope for you to heal and thrive.
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