Fear of presence.

Hi All,
This will be free form and based on several thoughts I’ve had over the past year or so. It’s a bit of a vent…
I’ve known I had PTSD since I was 19. I had a “big T” at age 11, which I thought shaped a lot of my “stuff”.
However, I only semi-recently (maybe three years?) addressed that there was plenty of “stuff” before 11 and I also addressed/realized more my source of repressed anger towards my upbringing.
The main culprit in my fear of being in my body came from countless stories about spirits directly interacting with my one parent in our house, and I was maybe a toddler when the stories began.
I also already had the classic signs of sensitive kid and the nightmares, bed wetting and insomnia followed.
It’s “funny” because I later would form close friendships with people similar to this parent. I also apparently assumed that I wasn’t in tune enough emotionally and felt like I needed someone else to “know” emotions.
I’m at the point now where I feel safer be a little more present one minute at a time, and I’m also filled with plenty of thoughts & feelings around feeling like I needed to “go away” to keep “the madness” at bay. This also came at me full force when I started having horrible paranoia while on pot, after having been a pothead for about ten years before it went dark.
I intellectually know that I’m in good shape as well as have people in my life who are open about having trauma.
In the same breath, I’m still freaked out to find out what’s going to continue to come up with me given my disposition.
Thanks for reading and listening. I have an appointment with my therapist this week too, doing the work and just needed some support while I continue to dip my toe into life without fearing wonky responses in my environment.
 
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