Fear took over me tonight

stjohn1633

Learning
A little back story... my daughter was seriously burned in a house fire 7 years ago, I was the one that got her out. She spent 5 months in the hospital get skin grafts on half her body. She will be 8 this month. This week, my daughter was sick with belly pain, back pain, fever 103, I took her to the doctor Monday and she's on antibiotics for a uti, 3rd time in the past year. She popped up a rash today, which has actually been a chronic issue for her as well. Of course my mind goes to worst case scenario and I start looking up Steven Johnson's syndrome, which is just as bad as severe burns, which she already endured. I just broke down realizing that I can't handle that again. I can't handle it. The future is so scary to me sometimes. Why I'm I enduring this pain of an imagined future :'( why do I do this to myself? Thank you for listening <3
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I'm so sorry you and your daughter went through that.

Catasrophising is something a lot of us do. We know that bad things happen as they have already happened.

I think for me, I feel feelings like: scared, angry, fearful, terror etc. And then I imagine things in the future that would match those feelings I already have. Sort of gives them legitimacy. But it fuels them. For me, it's not a healthy way to deal with the feelings.

Maybe your daughter being ill has triggered everything for you. Understandable that it would. But the worst is over. You saved her life. Amazing. She will get better from this recent illness.

Are there 'truths' you can tell yourself? Like, she will get better from this recent illness. She is having treatment and it is helping her. Or something that grounds you and you believe?
 

ruborcoraxxx

Sponsor
Hi @stjohn1633 I am sorry for what happened and for your daughter having difficulties now. But at least she's been saved and you did it.

Once our brains kick the survival button it's really hard to come down and worrying for someone might be the worst kind of stress one might feel.

However what you're describing is "future tripping", a sort of flashback/flashforward of the future that mirrors the terror of the past (it's a member here who found the expression I find it very good).

As @Movingforward10 , grounding is important when you get spikes of stress. Deep breaths, noticing exercises, rational and reassuring thoughts you can cling on, stuff like this.

Do you have therapy? It would be great to manage symptoms and perhaps also for your daughter when she's better.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. You might want to call your doctor to be reassured and ask for specific signs to watch, so you have actual info you can base yourself on and know that if the worst case does survene, you know exactly what to do.

The most of the stress happens in uncertainty. What if, what if, what if. If you know what to do in the case of what if, even if it's highly improbable, it becomes more manageable. You go down from terror to high stress. It still sucks but you keep control.

If that happens to you often you might want to consider psychiatric medication. Not necessarily benzos, but other anxiolytics have a good effect on anxiety and panic related to worrying. Perhaps something you might discuss with a psychiatrist or your family doctor?

I hope this helps. All good vibes for you and your daughter.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
why do I do this to myself?

you are not doing this to yourself. we don't choose ptsd any more than people choose diabetes. theories abound, but personally i believe the flashbacks are about healing the still infected wounds of trauma. leaning ever so gently into the flashbacks allows me to identify and heal those residual wounds.

steadying support while you work through the episode. hope healing happens here.
 

stjohn1633

Learning
I'm so sorry you and your daughter went through that.

Catasrophising is something a lot of us do. We know that bad things happen as they have already happened.

I think for me, I feel feelings like: scared, angry, fearful, terror etc. And then I imagine things in the future that would match those feelings I already have. Sort of gives them legitimacy. But it fuels them. For me, it's not a healthy way to deal with the feelings.

Maybe your daughter being ill has triggered everything for you. Understandable that it would. But the worst is over. You saved her life. Amazing. She will get better from this recent illness.

Are there 'truths' you can tell yourself? Like, she will get better from this recent illness. She is having treatment and it is helping her. Or something that grounds you and you believe?
Thank you so much. She is better, the fever is gone and the belly/back pain is gone. The rash doesnt look any worse today. It seems like I always have to have something to freak out about. Maybe I think worrying is the same as caring?

Hi @stjohn1633 I am sorry for what happened and for your daughter having difficulties now. But at least she's been saved and you did it.

Once our brains kick the survival button it's really hard to come down and worrying for someone might be the worst kind of stress one might feel.

However what you're describing is "future tripping", a sort of flashback/flashforward of the future that mirrors the terror of the past (it's a member here who found the expression I find it very good).

As @Movingforward10 , grounding is important when you get spikes of stress. Deep breaths, noticing exercises, rational and reassuring thoughts you can cling on, stuff like this.

Do you have therapy? It would be great to manage symptoms and perhaps also for your daughter when she's better.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. You might want to call your doctor to be reassured and ask for specific signs to watch, so you have actual info you can base yourself on and know that if the worst case does survene, you know exactly what to do.

The most of the stress happens in uncertainty. What if, what if, what if. If you know what to do in the case of what if, even if it's highly improbable, it becomes more manageable. You go down from terror to high stress. It still sucks but you keep control.

If that happens to you often you might want to consider psychiatric medication. Not necessarily benzos, but other anxiolytics have a good effect on anxiety and panic related to worrying. Perhaps something you might discuss with a psychiatrist or your family doctor?

I hope this helps. All good vibes for you and your daughter.
Yes, that sounds accurate. I fear reliving the past. My mind is working overtime to try to keep that pain from happening again. But there are things out of my control. I need to accept that. The chances of her being severely burned again are very rare. So I should rarely worry about it. Just keep our surroundings safe and trust that I have done my best to protect her.

you are not doing this to yourself. we don't choose ptsd any more than people choose diabetes. theories abound, but personally i believe the flashbacks are about healing the still infected wounds of trauma. leaning ever so gently into the flashbacks allows me to identify and heal those residual wounds.

steadying support while you work through the episode. hope healing happens here.
7 years is so long, you would think I wouldn't cry over it anymore. But her scars are on her face, hands, feet, arms, legs and torso. How can we ever totally heal? Scars remind us of the pain endured. But scars also remind us that she endured and survived something that should have killed her. Her scars display her strength.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
how tragically true that some things never really heal.
rocking you gently and crying with you, st john
then back to the life that is given us to live, unexpected strength, scars and all.
never forget to look for the collateral beauty.
we would never choose it, but we can choose to grow from it.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Really glad to hear she is getting better. That must give you a lot of relief.

It must be so painful for you to see her scars. She is an amazing little fighter.

Your question about is worrying the same as caring? That's a question! I think wiser people on here than me will have good responses to that.
I suppose it is only natural to worry? And being worried for someone's safety and well-being is a sign of caring. Because a lack of worry and concern is a sign of lack of care?
But maybe it is the level of worry that is the issue? Too much or too little worry having more negative effects, than a 'middle ground' level of worry? If that makes any sense?
 

stjohn1633

Learning
Really glad to hear she is getting better. That must give you a lot of relief.

It must be so painful for you to see her scars. She is an amazing little fighter.

Your question about is worrying the same as caring? That's a question! I think wiser people on here than me will have good responses to that.
I suppose it is only natural to worry? And being worried for someone's safety and well-being is a sign of caring. Because a lack of worry and concern is a sign of lack of care?
But maybe it is the level of worry that is the issue? Too much or too little worry having more negative effects, than a 'middle ground' level of worry? If that makes any sense?
Yes, thank you! There are ways to care without worrying and I should probably try focusing on those more. Crying and imagining the worst probably doesn't help much honestly. I like that old bandaid commercial that said covering is caring. I always think of that when I cover my patients in the hospital. Just simply pulling a blanket over someone shows them you care <3
 

MnM

Confident
Disclaimer: not a doctor

I've found chronic uti's incredibly common among girls who have been through something traumatic. My theory is the body is demonstrating either survivor guilt and does something similar to what auto-immune diseases do, or the body is saying "something is wrong with me, help." Does she have a therapist?

I'm so sorry you've all been through this horror. Like has been said, you're not choosing this, nor are you doing it to yourself - your brain is doing everything in its power to prevent the unthinkable, the sometimes unpreventable from happening *again*. If you can look at your hypervigilance in this area as a symptom, what can you see might calm it?

You're a warrior. And so is your little girl!
 
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