Relationship Fearful avoidant w cptsd help

J

Jbomb

I dated a fearful avoidant for 7 months which started casual and became a situationship. He never wanted a relationship obviously due to his past and how his past relationships ended but it progressed between us and we began to be together daily and I even met his children. Our connection was undeniable and strong. He became my best friend. I never pressured him for more and always allowed him to be be him.
At the 6 month mark, a few times I’d show up (more quietly than usual) and try to communicate with him (I was quiet to process and communicate properly) which he’d say triggered his ptsd and he’d pull back and hold a grudge & tell me not to do it again. He warned me if it continued he’d leave. The last time, we experienced a threesome where I was a bit distant & quiet (I just wasn’t into it) and he got triggered again and bailed on our situation. I have since reached out a couple times (in a month) and sent him a anonymous gift on vday (which he placed to me and got very angry and told me to stop contacting him) where he has said he’s not angry, but wants nothing to do with me ever again (feels hostile to me) and that I don’t get it, but I trigger his ptsd and to leave him be. I never quite knew what triggered it and how I was showing up that triggered him so I didn’t quite know what to change or how to approach him. I think it was just a change in my demeanor that somehow reminded him of his past abuse (violent abusive father and very young codependent mother). He was also a cop which I think aided and further fueled his ptsd.
I guess I just wonder is this it? Will his disassociation and fight or flight calm someday? Will he ever see I’m not to villain nor intended to hurt him? Or maybe he will but be resolute in his decision that I’m no good for him. He definitely has some symptoms of bpd (believe he idealized me - even called me a unicorn- then devalued me and his demonizing me feels very bpd like) and can see clearly his somatic and avoidant reactions to the stress he felt. He smokes a lot of pot and has lots of casual relationships w women but don’t think he expected to meet someone he liked like me . He said he used to have more tolerance for this kind of behavior or stress (assuming from past girlfriends) but has since decided that he doesn’t want that in his life. I get that.
I do see he keeps in touch w exes so I have hope there that someday he will return. I just didn’t really do anything wrong. I just didn’t get it and his failure to communicate specifics caused it to happen again. I know that he is triggered and I did not cause it. Some of my last response to him were a bit more firm and even one not so happy but others I have told him I’m understand and love him and I’m always here.
Does anyone have experience w this behavior of his and do you just move on and cut contact or do you return when you see I’m not the devil and did everything I could to be there for him? How long does the trigger and anger last? I feel like I’d been split by him (like a bpd would do) currently. I’m just this devil even tho he says he’s not mad. Will he ever miss me or just repress my memory w weed and women and doesn’t even have any good thoughts about me and never will again? I’m just confused and sad and want to reach out and tell him I get it now. As I do get it more than I did. And I’m here. But he has asked for no contact so I know I must respect that.
I’m just be wildered and while I’m working on me wonder if there is any hope of reconciliation, if even just as friends.
 
People use trigger as an excuse for a lot of things, but that has nothing to do with his statement that he wants you to stop contacting him, not see him, wants nothing to do with you, etc etc. He does not want you in his life, so.... its stalking if you keep trying.
Of course Anthony. Thank u. I hear that and respect that. But am confused how someone can care about you so much and then suddenly want nothing to do w me ever again filled w vitriol and rage for no concreTe reason. Just looking for answers and compassion and kindness towards my immense confusion and suffering would be appreciated.
 
Sometimes people are just arseholes. Sometimes people change their mind and divert to anger and hostility. Sometimes it can be PTSD. Sometimes people just use other people then want nothing more to do with them. I'm sure there are many more.

I'm not trying to be harsh with you, I'm trying to be honest. I don't know why the guy wants nothing more to do with you. What I do know, from your words, is that he has expressed this to you and you have not respected that. I'm not making excuses for his behaviour. I don't know the details as you do. I know what you write, and what you have written, is that it was a short relationship. You had a threesome with him. He wants nothing more to do with you. You don't understand why and want answers, which he isn't giving you, beyond he wants nothing more to do with you.

Did I miss anything or include anything incorrectly from what you have written?

I have dated women for two or three months, told them I want out and they've done similar things. It pissed me off too. There was no talking me into getting back into a relationship with any of these women. They wanted in, I wanted out. Why they thought it was a good idea to want to be with me when I didn't want to be with them, I have no idea. They were hurt, for sure. Nothing I could say would change that, nor that I didn't want to be in a relationship with them. I had my issues then, no doubt about it, but looking back, so did they. They had massive self-esteem and self-worth problems to do some of the things they did (which mimicked some of the things you're doing), thinking it would some how gain reconciliation of the doomed relationship.

One girl camped out on my front balcony calling my name... I was actually deployed and she didn't trust my house mate telling her this. She went into the house with him to check, and then demanded she stay in my bedroom until I return. Cops were involved. I was hundreds of kilometers away on training. I told her I was going away when I broke up with her. I didn't want to be with her, that simple. When I got home, she returned to my house and then started stalking me, appearing exactly where I was when out. Not harmful, but she thought she could get back together, or be friends. Her self-esteem and self-worth problems were her problems to solve, not mine.

What I see here in some of your writing, is that you feel more for him than he does for you, either way, it is you that needs to accept this and be happy with who you are. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you, do you? Why be friends? Do you think it will lead to getting back together? Because if that is the reasoning, you have self-esteem matters to work on.

Again, don't read me as not being compassionate or anything of the sort. I get it. I really do. People can be dicks. I've been one on plenty of occasions in my past.

Just trying to be honest based on what you are writing. I'm not going to tell you its all ok and that you deserve him, blah blah blah. He doesn't want to be with you. Your actions lay at your feet, is my point. Mourn the relationship, let him go and move onto bigger and better things. Find someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them.
 
Absolutely Anthony and I respect and hear you. I’m no stalker but I do take credit for violating his boundaries of no contact. You’re right there. I sent emails however. But he lives 2 miles from me and I don’t go anywhere near him. I don’t haunt his haunts. And I don’t try. I’ve been going to a gym for years & joined him and we only went together and after his request for no contact, I terminated his membership. Not out of spite. But bc I needed to heal and knew someday if I continued to see him there, I’d try to talk to him. And I didn’t want that for him.
But he kept showing up after I asked him not to go for a coupke
Months. Do I take responsibility in that. Of course I do. I don’t think I have self esteem issues but am certainly confused and my self worth has taken a hit from this. I’ve done years of work on myself. I know what a gem I am and I know I was one in a million to him whether he wanted to admit that or not. I always felt the inequality of him thinking he wasn’t good enough and I’m not feeding my ego by saying I showed up 95% perfectly always allowing him to be exactly who he was. I did that bc I loved him. Not for me.
I’m simply confused. I am suddenly demonized out of left field. Do I want hope? Sure. Of course I do. But I’m more so trying to understand what happened. When someone becomes your best friend and suddenly they want “nothing to do with you ever again” bc I had “an attitude” (I didn’t) this confuses me. He says he’s not mad, but I’m vilified. This makes nonsense. It feels like a classic idealize devaluation split from a bpd. And that is where my hope or confusion lies. Once the storm and trigger has passed do people w complex trauma return. Sure. You can’t fully answer that but some others here who have cptsd may be able to better.

And yes. I do want him as a friend. We had a great connection. I would entirely enjoy a friendship w him as I know he would w me. He felt safe and comfortable w me until things got closer. And that wasn’t on me. Was I used? Perhaps a little. I did a lot for him. But I can tell
You that calling a girl a unicorn and not expecting them to be as great as I was to him was simply a case of being used. He caught feelings but didn’t want to. I travelled w him and met his children. This isn’t just some sexual relationship where he used me. Was there a part of him which wanted to compartmentalize things out of fear. Absolutely.
I’m not trying to beat a dead horse but your responses aren’t anything I haven’t considered. And I respect them. Thank
You. I’m looking more to understand the baffling behavior. Is there disassociation? Does he not even think of me anymore? Sure. My reaching out pressured him and pushed him further away. I get that. Perhaps if I had a better understanding of this behavior I could mourn it and move forward. But none of it makes sense to me. The demonization. The blame shifting. The sudden cut off of all contact w out any kindness or mature actions. The assumed manipulation and mistrust from
Me when I did nothing wrong. Except violate no contact boundaries after being shut out and created a monster. Did I mess up there. Yes. But I don’t think it unhuman of me to do so. They were emails. I’m no stalker
 
I would entirely enjoy a friendship w him as I know he would w me.
I am surprised you say this ☝️ Because this👇
none of it makes sense to me. The demonization. The blame shifting. The sudden cut off of all contact w out any kindness or mature actions. The assumed manipulation and mistrust from
Me
Is not friend-like behavior. Which provides evidence that you might have issues with self-esteem and self-awareness if you think that someone who acts that way toward you is someone who wants a friendship with you—and the fact that you want a friendship with someone who acts that way toward you is concerning that you are engaging in a codependent dynamic.
We had a great connection… He felt safe and comfortable w me until things got closer. And that wasn’t on me. Was I used?
Your connection felt great in the past, but it sounds like he’s not the person you thought he was or expected him to be? Can you grieve that?

Also the fact that you feel like he is completely responsible for you guys getting closer, since it’s “not on you” leads me to wonder if you were using him in a way since you either weren’t desiring or okay with the intimacy increasing but didn’t communicate that? It might be a defensive response to protect you from feeling responsible when a relationship breaks down since you were just along for the ride and doing it all for him but not including yourself in the equation nor communicating your needs and desires (staying quiet.)

It sounds like you are hurting a lot but struggling with separating your pain from his. My suggestion for moving on would be to talk to your friends and acquaintances about it and let him sail on with his own issues—sounds like his problems were bringing you plenty of distraction (through his distress) from your own inner world separate from him which maybe deserves some looking into?
 
I am surprised you say this ☝️ Because this👇

Is not friend-like behavior. Which provides evidence that you might have issues with self-esteem and self-awareness if you think that someone who acts that way toward you is someone who wants a friendship with you—and the fact that you want a friendship with someone who acts that way toward you is concerning that you are engaging in a codependent dynamic.

Your connection felt great in the past, but it sounds like he’s not the person you thought he was or expected him to be? Can you grieve that?

Also the fact that you feel like he is completely responsible for you guys getting closer, since it’s “not on you” leads me to wonder if you were using him in a way since you either weren’t desiring or okay with the intimacy increasing but didn’t communicate that? It might be a defensive response to protect you from feeling responsible when a relationship breaks down since you were just along for the ride and doing it all for him but not including yourself in the equation nor communicating your needs and desires (staying quiet.)

It sounds like you are hurting a lot but struggling with separating your pain from his. My suggestion for moving on would be to talk to your friends and acquaintances about it and let him sail on with his own issues—sounds like his problems were bringing you plenty of distraction (through his distress) from your own inner world separate from him which maybe deserves some looking into?
Thank you. You are correct. I just think when someone is triggered they don’t always say things they mean and the sudden demonization from being caring towards me minutes before explains that. He may have been my friend but his cptsd triggered his flight and freeze and he has to tend to his own needs in that moment. We were friends. Is he showing me a side of him I don’t like. Certainly. But I also have empathy for his struggles and anxiety and knkw people do things just to feel ok and safe that aren’t always aligned w what they wanted or intended to do. I did it by breaching his request for no contact to feed my selfish need to be heard.

The dynamic was certainly codependent towards the end. For 6 months it was not. He created that dynamic. But I went along with it.

When I say “not on me” I just meant I allowed him to lead. I did speak up for my needs but he always followed through with hearing them and as long as things progressed, I was ok without a label. I saw how he felt about me and his actions showed it. I see where I fell short and certainly take responsibility for the break down. Perhaps even too much. I was quiet before communicating. To process how to communicate as best I could. I was never quiet about speaking up
For myself. And I was ok w the intimacy increasing. That’s what I wanted. And it happened. I just allowed him to lead in that respect and he continued to show up more and more for me as I did.

I do speak w friends. I just cannot make sense of some of the confusing sudden behaviors that seem attributed to cptsd and possible bpd but sadly it doesn’t seem like I will get any insight into ptsd or possible splitting to any of them here. Suddenly cutting off contact and demonizing someone who was a significant part of your life for 7 months seems odd. Especially when you say you aren’t mad but act in ways that feel as if you suddenly hate me. But sure. Maybe I was more into him than he was me and I saw it differently. I don’t think so. I just think his fears and stressors were far greater than his desires for love and closeness and he could only give so much.

While I appreciate the answers here I do feel personally attacked instead of supported. I have immense self awareness and act w integrity. I have done more work on myself in the last 10 years than 90% of humans out there. Self esteem is created by doing esteemable acts. Maybe there are self worth issues but I showed up to this relationship w nothing but value to myself and him. That is why it progressed. That is why it became what it did. do I make mistakes and have issues. Of course. Who doesn’t.
 
I am surprised you say this ☝️ Because this👇

Is not friend-like behavior. Which provides evidence that you might have issues with self-esteem and self-awareness if you think that someone who acts that way toward you is someone who wants a friendship with you—and the fact that you want a friendship with someone who acts that way toward you is concerning that you are engaging in a codependent dynamic.

Your connection felt great in the past, but it sounds like he’s not the person you thought he was or expected him to be? Can you grieve that?

Also the fact that you feel like he is completely responsible for you guys getting closer, since it’s “not on you” leads me to wonder if you were using him in a way since you either weren’t desiring or okay with the intimacy increasing but didn’t communicate that? It might be a defensive response to protect you from feeling responsible when a relationship breaks down since you were just along for the ride and doing it all for him but not including yourself in the equation nor communicating your needs and desires (staying quiet.)

It sounds like you are hurting a lot but struggling with separating your pain from his. My suggestion for moving on would be to talk to your friends and acquaintances about it and let him sail on with his own issues—sounds like his problems were bringing you plenty of distraction (through his distress) from your own inner world separate from him which maybe deserves some looking into?
I do appreciate you response. I suppose I’m just disappointed that I have no answers. No insight.

I don’t understand where you say I have trouble separating my pain from his. But you’re right. He definitely became a distraction from myself in the last month of dating.
 
cannot make sense of some of the confusing sudden behaviors that seem attributed to cptsd and possible bpd but sadly it doesn’t seem like I will get any insight into ptsd
You seem quite insightful as to how behaviors he displayed could be linked to CPTSD and BPD. What you said is accurate, and symptoms can arise anytime, your timeline of six months isn’t significant, just unique to your situation. I wonder if you are seeking more insight into the disorders or into his mind specifically? It’s clear to me you are uncomfortable and seeking support, but you asked
anyone have experience w this behavior of his and do you just move on and cut contact or do you return
Yes lots of people on here have experience both with having these symptoms and supporting people with these symptoms. Two people responded to you with “move on.” So far no one has responded yet to support your idea to wait for him to return.
Will he ever miss me or just repress my memory w weed and women and doesn’t even have any good thoughts about me and never will again? I’m just confused and sad
Now one can answer these kinds of questions. You feel confused and sad. That’s important for rebalancing yourself. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I hope you find the strength to stay present with yourself while those feelings rise and fall. You can always find a therapist to help you if you feel overwhelmed.
 
You seem quite insightful as to how behaviors he displayed could be linked to CPTSD and BPD. What you said is accurate, and symptoms can arise anytime, your timeline of six months isn’t significant, just unique to your situation. I wonder if you are seeking more insight into the disorders or into his mind specifically? It’s clear to me you are uncomfortable and seeking support, but you asked

Yes lots of people on here have experience both with having these symptoms and supporting people with these symptoms. Two people responded to you with “move on.” So far no one has responded yet to support your idea to wait for him to return.

Now one can answer these kinds of questions. You feel confused and sad. That’s important for rebalancing yourself. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I hope you find the strength to stay present with yourself while those feelings rise and fall. You can always find a therapist to help you if you feel overwhelmed.
Thank you. Not exactly waiting for his return. I know I need to move on. If I ever did hear from him I suspect it would be months and surely I’d have moved on fully and won’t be here looking for answers or hope, sadly. But I do Just wonder if people who split you (as this feels like splitting behavior to me since he was so hostile and took me off some kind of pedestal) and get triggered ever calm their minds and return or do they just cut their losses? I wouldn’t say I’m waiting or asking for support to wait in that respect. I know I need to move forward w my life. Just trying to make sense of it all to do so better. sure I do hope someday I’ll hear from him again. Of course. We did create a solid foundation for friendship. And I feel I created value in his life that would show up better as a friend to him and him to me. But wonder if there is any hope that he will get in touch with his feelings someday perhaps months down the line that possibly he reacted with impulsivity or does the trigger and anger and resentment stick and so he remains convinced I am no good forever. Do people w cptsd just run and demonize or can they see that perhaps that I am not the villain I have been painted to be since I always showed up w patience and kindness (land understanding (w the exception of my emails) and genuinely cared, given time. Or does he just blame me forever and have no insight into his part or self sabotage. I see my part clearly. And even if he dies, does he just ruminate w shame or regret and take no action. That is where I just wanted to see how others w this debilitating condition have reacted in the past.I know they can’t provide direct answers but at least give me some insight. I do see he keeps in touch with exes so there’s that. Thank you for your kindness and warmth and response.
 
Thank you. Not exactly waiting for his return. I know I need to move on. If I ever did hear from him I suspect it would be months and surely I’d have moved on fully and won’t be here looking for answers or hope, sadly. But I do Just wonder if people who split you (as this feels like splitting behavior to me since he was so hostile and took me off some kind of pedestal) and get triggered ever calm their minds and return or do they just cut their losses? I wouldn’t say I’m waiting or asking for support to wait in that respect. I know I need to move forward w my life. Just trying to make sense of it all to do so better. sure I do hope someday I’ll hear from him again. Of course. We did create a solid foundation for friendship. And I feel I created value in his life that would show up better as a friend to him and him to me. But wonder if there is any hope that he will get in touch with his feelings someday perhaps months down the line that possibly he reacted with impulsivity or does the trigger and anger and resentment stick and so he remains convinced I am no good forever. Do people w cptsd just run and demonize or can they see that perhaps that I am not the villain I have been painted to be since I always showed up w patience and kindness (land understanding (w the exception of my emails) and genuinely cared, given time. Or does he just blame me forever and have no insight into his part or self sabotage. I see my part clearly. And even if he dies, does he just ruminate w shame or regret and take no action. That is where I just wanted to see how others w this debilitating condition have reacted in the past.I know they can’t provide direct answers but at least give me some insight. I do see he keeps in touch with exes so there’s that. Thank you for your kindness and warmth and response.
I’m not asking if I should move on. I’m asking if people w cptsd do so with these kinds of sudden erratic behaviors. Do they cut and run or do they see with time that perhaps what they did was a mistake (assuming he thought it was).
 
People with PTSD often can't handle the stress. Yes, stress. A relationship is stress.

People without PTSD find relationships stressful at times, both good and bad. The problem with PTSD, is that the bad can quickly outweigh the good. Take a look at the PTSD Cup in the articles section. This is why those with PTSD can quickly cut-off others, especially those close to them.
 
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