Feel “weird” due to not knowing intimacy or being embraced.

I’ve recently been owning the fact it’s a wound of mine that I was brought up in a household that did not include physical affection. I’ve understood the “why” and also had seen the positive in it, I rarely get urges for affection because it’s that unfamiliar to me.

At the same time, I feel “weird” and it has shown up in very negative ways how I try to partake in intimacy. Mostly, I’ve had to get drunk and would have reckless sex, which never actually felt like intimacy as much as a numb performance.

To be honest, I’m also very angry right now. I’m 40, alone (by choice, mostly) and just feel like this weirdo outsider in my head who doesn’t know how to connect with others.

The silver lining is I am back in therapy, started sharing my day photography on IG and do have a prospect of a new artist friend (or more) on the horizon.

I’m also sharing here because I can so quickly spiritual bypass and silver lining that I further suppress very real feelings that I need to process.

I am turned off by advice due to trauma around that (which brings me further into myself vs trusting I’m being seen/heard) and also wanted to share because this is my chosen space as I continue to navigate. Thanks for listening, hearing, seeing. ❤️✨
 

Weemie

MyPTSD Pro
I can relate with this very well. My sense of sexuality and physicality is extremely altered from the ordinary && it has taken me about 20 years to fully get a handle on what exactly I'm "about." When I started doing trauma work I elected to stop pursuing sexual relationships because I knew that I would act in toxic/unhealthy ways, && I do not want to put myself or another person through that stress. But it can be very overwhelming to step back and take stock of just how different we are from the typical, due to our traumatic experiences && how alienating and isolating it is.
 
I can relate with this very well. My sense of sexuality and physicality is extremely altered from the ordinary && it has taken me about 20 years to fully get a handle on what exactly I'm "about." When I started doing trauma work I elected to stop pursuing sexual relationships because I knew that I would act in toxic/unhealthy ways, && I do not want to put myself or another person through that stress. But it can be very overwhelming to step back and take stock of just how different we are from the typical, due to our traumatic experiences && how alienating and isolating it is.
Thank you *so* much for sharing this. I really appreciate it. I also appreciated your mentioning what you’re “about”, that resonates and helpful to hear. ❤️🙏🏻✨
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
there is no shortage of ways to feel weird. in my own case, the feelings of being weird are ALWAYS inspired by comparison. when i can avoid comparing myself to others, there is nothing to feel weird about. i is what i is and i ain't what i ain't, as are you and every other person in the world. acceptance and tolerance are quite liberating.

i'm with you on being turned off by unsolicited advice. a) advice-givers seldom, if ever, know the whole story, far less all the mitigating factors. b) being handed profound nuggets of wisdom from gurus on mountain tops seldom equates to making the connections inside my strictly personal neural pathways. those connections come from working ^it^ out for myself.
 
there is no shortage of ways to feel weird. in my own case, the feelings of being weird are ALWAYS inspired by comparison. when i can avoid comparing myself to others, there is nothing to feel weird about. i is what i is and i ain't what i ain't, as are you and every other person in the world. acceptance and tolerance are quite liberating.

i'm with you on being turned off by unsolicited advice. a) advice-givers seldom, if ever, know the whole story, far less all the mitigating factors. b) being handed profound nuggets of wisdom from gurus on mountain tops seldom equates to making the connections inside my strictly personal neural pathways. those connections come from working ^it^ out for myself.
Thanks so much for this. I actually recently thought about comparison a lot due to coming more to terms with being asexual in the queer community. It always feels great once I let go of “shoulds” and your response was a great reminder. ❤️🙏🏻✨
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
It always feels great once I let go of “shoulds” and your response was a great reminder.

what goes around comes around. the timely reminders i receive from my peer support network do help me limit my shoulding around. i get seriously melodramatic when i start shoulding myself. let's see. . . which should should i be shoulding today? the world isn't short on shoulds.

life's so much simpler when i just let myself be, weird spots and all.
 
I grew up an a household with lots of sex & no affection. I've made significant progress over the years, but I'm still learning how to combine "trust" and "affection".
Thanks for this. I appreciated your adding about trust. It does feel more involved for me as well and good to remember as I navigate.
what goes around comes around. the timely reminders i receive from my peer support network do help me limit my shoulding around. i get seriously melodramatic when i start shoulding myself. let's see. . . which should should i be shoulding today? the world isn't short on shoulds.

life's so much simpler when i just let myself be, weird spots and all.
hi I’m normally not a “please follow up” type and I want to be honest/bridge the gap that your “what goes around, comes around” statement was unsettling. From other aspects of the convo, I assume you didn’t mean ill and also, if it makes sense, do you mind expanding on that?
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
you thanked me for the timely reminder.
i, too, receive many, many timely reminders from my peer support network.
when we keep the timely reminders going around on the network, there is always a reminder there when i need one.
take what you like and leave the rest.
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
I’m 40, alone (by choice, mostly) and just feel like this weirdo outsider in my head who doesn’t know how to connect with others.
Oh, I can so relate. I was in my 40s the first time I had consensual sex. And physical intimacy in other forms (like hugging) was so very hard all my life because we just didn't do that in my family.

I felt so much like an outsider. It felt like everybody was experiencing stuff I wasn't (and couldn't, emotionally). I was the odd one out in high school--I didn't even go out with anyone. Now that I'm 61, it feels like it was a silly worry. I was not the only one.

I'm alone now and generally happy with no pressures for sex. Do I sometimes miss the others? Yeah, but I have cats that are good huggers. LOL I definitely need some sort of physical contact now--and when it feels like I need it from a person (not very often), I go to church. People there think hugging is a given once you walk in the door. LOL
 
Oh, I can so relate. I was in my 40s the first time I had consensual sex. And physical intimacy in other forms (like hugging) was so very hard all my life because we just didn't do that in my family.

I felt so much like an outsider. It felt like everybody was experiencing stuff I wasn't (and couldn't, emotionally). I was the odd one out in high school--I didn't even go out with anyone. Now that I'm 61, it feels like it was a silly worry. I was not the only one.

I'm alone now and generally happy with no pressures for sex. Do I sometimes miss the others? Yeah, but I have cats that are good huggers. LOL I definitely need some sort of physical contact now--and when it feels like I need it from a person (not very often), I go to church. People there think hugging is a given once you walk in the door. LOL
@whiteraven thank you SO much for this! What you said resonated a ton for me. No hugging, I tend to laugh because my mom honestly said it felt insincere to hug people because it felt forced. I think she was brought up in the same way so it was just how it was done. Not without impact for sure and humor & wisdom tends to be my go to when faced with these things. Anyway! I also appreciated your sharing your age now and your current reflections. Very awesome of you to take the time & care, very helpful and validating! 🙏🏻✨
 
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