Sexual Assault Feel guilty after writing a fake letter to my perp

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Hi everyone - my dr just had me write a letter to the guy who sexually assaulted me (not actually sending it )and now I’m feeling all kinds of guilt for placing the blame on him and being so hard on him … has this happened to anyone else??here it is -

“Why did you do it? Why couldn’t you have just been upfront with what you wanted. That’s why I brought it up from the start- so there would be no confusion. Do you do this to every girl you go on a date with or was I just a pathetic, easy target? I opened up to you and thought I could trust you. I’ve spent my entire life avoiding vulnerability and not being able to trust people- especially men, and I was finally forcing myself out of my comfort zone. For what? now I’m right back where I started, if not worse. Did you know what you were doing? Was this your plan all along? Did you really just see me as a dumb naive girl that you knew you could take advantage of? I don’t know what to think. I feel sick to my stomach all of the time. I can’t concentrate on my work/ job because My mind’s constantly racing trying to piece everything together. I have so many questions. What made you think that it was ok when I stopped you multiple times And told you I wasn’t comfortable and you kept going? Was I not direct enough? How did you just walk away when you were finished like nothing happened? Did you even think twice about what you did? What were you planning to do if I let you pick me up from my house? I should’ve just listened to my gut, but I’ve been told I’m too picky with guys.

I never quite understood why victims blame themselves in situations like this, but now I do…. Not the why, but It just seems to be so automatic for me to think that I must’ve done something wrong. Im ashamed to even admit this,but sometimes I think if you actually raped me I wouldn’t feel as guilty and embarrassed for reacting like this…I feel like I’d have a valid reason to be this upset and more people would understand why I’m so traumatized.

Everyday I try to give you the benefit of the doubt and find ways to blame myself for what you did to me, even if I know they’re not true… it’s just easier to make sense of. I try to convince myself that I did something wrong or didn’t do enough to stop you or maybe that this is just a normal occurrence and I just need to get used to it. It’s torture.

Some days I wish I could report you just so I can ruin your hopes and dreams of becoming that pediatric doctor you’ve always wanted to be, but you’re lucky that in this world we live in, you’d probably get away with just a slap on the wrist, if anything, and I’d look like a fool, so it’s not even worth it. Other days I feel like I’m an evil person for wanting that for you and would feel bad being that “crazy bitch” trying to tarnish your record for something so stupid. At the time I didn’t know this, but it turns out we have mutual friends so I don’t want to be the one to do it anyway. But You took away my own hopes and dreams that I was finally starting to believe in, and now I just feel like a weak and worthless piece of shit that’s just an annoyance and burden to everyone around me. I don’t even want to leave my house. Even simply driving in my car, I feel nauseous and have this feeling in my gut like somethings not right -the same feeling I had when I was driving home that day and making sure you weren’t following me. I hate the fact that only you and I know what exactly happened that day and I feel like I cant Even trust myself anymore with my own memories, what if maybe I’m the one remembering wrong.

Do you know how long it took me to get where I was? I thought I was finally over the endless days and nights of wishing I were dead and not seeing the point of being alive, and physically harming myself as a distraction from all of the unbearable emotions and frustration, but here I am sitting with these thoughts and acting on these behaviors once again. I don’t even want to live anymore, it’s not worth the constant battle that takes over my head and I just want to give up. I feel like a complete failure in all aspects of my life right now. I don’t think I was cut out for this life, and maybe this is the universe trying to tell me that. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone even in my worst depression… like I’m holding onto this secret that nobody will understand. It’s lonely and exhausting. Some days I wish I could just hire my own hitman to kill me because Im too scared it won’t work if I try something myself. That’s been on my mind a lot lately. but then I have conflicting feelings that I don’t want people to think I was being selfish…I just want to disconnect from the world

I don’t know why I thought you were such a good guy and that I could trust you…now you have me questioning if I’m just a bad person that has terrible judgement. I think I’ve just given up on finding someone I can trust and be vulnerable with. I was finally starting to feel a little more confident in that area, but I’m worried any future intimate encounters will be ruined by this in some way or another and I’ve just lost all hope. You probably didn’t think anything of it but I just want you to know that you have destroyed me and my future. I don’t like you, but I hate myself even more for putting myself in this situation and allowing this to happen.”
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I’m feeling all kinds of guilt for placing the blame on him and being so hard on him … has this happened to anyone else?
I have never written a letter to anyone who hurt me with sexual violence, I've written a letter to my parents but not sent it.
But I get your feelings of feeling guilty about placing the blame on him. For me: I carried the blame and shame for decades. I felt it was me and my body that raped me. I felt that I made them do it as fundamentally there was something wrong with me.
So if you feel similar things, it makes sense that when you are addressing and facing the blame and responsbility head on: i.e. directing it to him, that you would feel guilty.
Working through and fully accepting this wasn't your fault is surprisingly hard hard hard work.

I hope the guilty feelings have lessened.


You describe it as a 'fake' letter, so is there any part of the content that isn't true or real in some sense?

If not, then you have nothing to feel guility about. It's worth trying to work out why you feel guility about speaking truth to power - which is worthy and heroic.

If there is something untrue or not real about it, then the guilt might point to something useful too.
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