Feel I’m doing something “wrong” but I’m doing nothing

[Thisgirlwashere]

So, for the first time in my life after getting out of abusive situation…again I am taking time to figure myself out! I have been single since Feb 2021. Not even looking! Also in counseling at local dv shelter every 2 weeks. Things were going good. I have a toddler with my ex. He went to rehab but was living with family until 2 weeks ago. Now out on his own he has started 3 fights with me over our child’s care in the last week. This is after almost a year of almost no issues. I am happy to report that I have been responding the way I want. Not engaging. Saying needed info only and refusing to get in arguments. However, the first one I was seething with anger and kind of vented too much around a family member that was in town. I was embarrassed.
The second time he was accusing me of causing her allergies. I was in a panic and could not get back to the plans I had for while she was gone with him for a couple hours. The last one on Saturday he was trying to tell me how to parent on my parenting time. I ended up having a panic attack after hiding alerts so I could get myself under control. In that incident I DID get back to my normal activity but I just feel so defeated that after so much time of doing well this has me freaking out again.

Nothing has happened in 2 days but all day I have felt like I’m doing something wrong and like I’m about to get caught and found out. I have no idea what it’s coming from because I’m not doing anything I’m ashamed or or worried about. Except I am worrying about the nothing I’m doing????
I was giving my daughter dinner tonight and I started crying and thinking I’m a horrible mother. I’m not. I’m a great mom. Why is my brain doing this to me? I tried riding it out. I feel better now. But I’m sure it will be back again.
I have fears he is going to act crazy again. And my usual behavior while we were together was to fix everything. I’m not fixing things now so maybe that’s it? I guess it doesn’t have to have a logical reason.

 

[Movingforward10]

His behaviour is triggering you and you're falling into familiar territory of believing it's you that is wrong?
I don't know your history but for me, I was brought up being told things were my responsibility to fix, any problem in my family and it was me that was made to make everything ok. And when I couldn't (because how can the youngest person in the house, and not an adult, fix adult things?!), I assumed I failed and I was doing everything wrong. So I carry that with me in adulthood when something happens, I immediately think I am doing something wrong. Learnt behaviour.
So for you, maybe you had something in childhood too or this DV relationship he programmed you to believe it was you?
Good thing is, now you recognise it. It's not you. You're not doing something wrong. You don't need to adapt your behaviour. You can change the game and pattern of engaging.
It takes practice, but just as you learnt to think it was you, you can learn to think it isn't you.

 

[Thisgirlwashere]

His behaviour is triggering you and you're falling into familiar territory of believing it's you that is wrong?

This thing about familiar territory is exactly what it feels like. As a kid I wasn’t really expected to fix things but my feelings were always invalidated. My mom taught me that we must always be overly concerned with what others think. If our behavior is not acceptable to others we must change it. I am in a weird group that I had a pretty good childhood but then as an adult continued to get in very bad relationships. I think it is because with no trust in my own thoughts or feelings I have to default to what others tell me I should do or feel.

Over this last year or so I have noticed weird patterns with myself like I don’t eat until I’m starving. I don’t go to the bathroom until I almost can’t hold it anymore. It’s like I have no idea what is going on with me because I’ve spent so much time putting everyone else ahead of myself.
I’m also a teacher about to have to go back to work after summer and there are some changes I’m not so sure about. I think for the first time in my life I don’t have a major crisis going on and it is the first time I’ve really had to deal with my own feelings.

I hope you are right about practicing this new way. Hopefully it doesn’t take the same amount of time as it took to get here lol.

 

[Charmd1]

I call this slight of mind behavior.
To explain a person targets and creates drama with someone else with the specific intent to create an emotional negative reaction.
This is "look at how everyone else is messing things up" so you no one is looking to closely at the person who is actually doing something wrong.