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Feel like i should quit before i get fired...again

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Eagle3

MyPTSD Pro
The new job has been such a great experience, until lately. Apparently, my Asperger's and PTSD issues have pissed off a co-worker, who is now giving me tons of attitude and lots of snippy comments. Today I just couldn't say ANYTHING to anyone without it being socially inappropriate somehow, irritating several coworkers. This triggers the mess out of my PTSD from childhood, having no one understand me but trying to force me to do what neurotypicals can do. My supervisor has been so awesome, she's really supportive when I'm having difficulties, but I can't help feeling like I'm useless here. The distorted thinking of "I deserve punishment/firing/excommunication/death" is skyrocketing and I've been increasingly isolated and depressed.

Add to this mix the fact that the job is in a rural area, there is no opportunity for social self-care here, and while I have found a "decent" local therapist, he's not accessible outside of regular sessions, and he's no trauma therapist (he does have a lot of experience with Autism though). I still have my awesome T back home, but he's dealing with cancer treatments for the next 2 months and will be increasingly out of pocket as he tends to his own health (prognosis is good, he expects to be back in full swing by summer).

The impulse to just pack the truck and go home to my friends, my dogs, my family, my T is very strong, but I can't leave without a job lined up. This pattern of only being able to work a job 6-12 months before either quitting or being let go is really frustrating. I just can't find any stability in my employment!! I need to stick this job out as long as possible, they just bumped up the Case Manager's pay (me), and they are bending over backwards to accommodate my limitations, but since I can't do the work the other CM's do, everyone is just pissed at me. This makes for a hostile work environment, and without the physical support of all the people and animals who are dear to me, I just don't know how long I can hold out.

So frustrated right now!!!! I wanna go HOME!!
 
Hey. You can DO IT! Like Zoogal said, one day at a time. Make this the job that lasts longer than 12 months. Just keep going and don't listen to those "just quit" thoughts. Vent here. Keep trucking. You got this! Prove that inner voice wrong that says 6-12 months is all you can manage. Hold on long enough to see what's on the other side of that time frame... you might just find relaxation after the "boiling point". Keep going!
 
I just wanted you to know that I'm supporting you from afar.

Keep in mind that sometimes, our brains see opposition where there is actually very little. Our minds tend to prioritize it as the most important thing, thanks to trauma.

These people likely have no idea how they're affecting you. I'm sorry they're as rude as they are.
 
Thanks for the support, everyone. Turns out I'm wracked with guilt over my awesome T's cancer (horrific nightmares last night, bad enough to actually email him about them. He responded today and will let me know about session availability next week). I've been crying all day long, can't get the images from the nightmares out of my head. I want to go home so badly, just so I can see him in person again! I left that city with my therapy only partially completed, and the coping mechanisms I was learning didn't get cemented enough for this drastic move. And now, I'm scared I'm going to lose the best T I've ever worked with, leaving yet another hole in my psyche from good, healthy attachments severed too early. PTSD sucks ass.......and yes, the social issues at work are NOT helping this whole situation...triggers are piling up, but I have supports locally as well as back home. I'll be ok, I just have to walk this out. Thanks everyone for being part of my support structure!
 
I have that six ti twelve month job loss problem too. And i am old so that ain't good. But i am getting better. I have some cooping skills, only a few are from therapy directly. Not sure you can find this in rural anywhere, but meditation and mindfulness groups were very helpful for me. They suggested a path rather than pushed me down a path. Kind of peer support, some insights, some fellow travelers.
 
@ground crew I have a group like that, but only in the Big City, which I can only visit once a month. I'm part of meetup for local stuff, but there's really nothing useful in my little rural town. I have books and recordings, but nothing I can actually do regularly with other people. I know I can do meditation alone, but its tough to get into the habit when every waking moment is spent trying to survive at work and cope with stuff from there. (Making excuses, I know...I'll admit, I just don't do what I know to do!). In any case, that's been the hardest part of this move; I can't find any soul-mates or "my tribe" around here locally. They're all in the Big City.
 
Yeah, me too. I always make people want to get rid of me. I think it's the predominant feature of my CSA/trauma/PTSD poisonality. Naturally employment, with any kind of pressure or competition, makes my symptoms go off the charts and I, as you described so well, start feeling first like no one likes me which spirals down into "everyone is gunning for me." (Which if untrue at first will soon be true due to my thinking influencing my actions.) Excellent post, I hope you get to leave there soon and start again, or at least spend some time in and environment without any of that stuff. We are moving and though we did pretty well here and the neighbors do like us I'm still looking forward to being somewhere new (even if it's just a new block) and start over. I don't now nor have I ever wanted to be anywhere people know me for too long. (family excepted)
 
Good news, some of the applications I've sent in back home are starting to answer back. I have a phone appointment with a place just 20 minutes from my parents! I'd have to live with them again, but I'd be with my dogs, I'd have my awesome therapist back, I'd be able to hang out with my friends, and because of the lower rent, I'd be able to actually go out and have a life!! REALLY hoping this interview and the subsequent ones go well because (and I never thought I'd say this) I WANNA GO HOME!!!!
 
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