Relationship Feel so low and I don’t know what I’ve done wrong

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AnonymouslyNeedHelp

My partner and I broke up just over a week ago. She has PTSD from her abusive parents and an SA incident.
We drifted apart for the last few months in a romantic manner and mutually called it quits.
Throughout the relationship I’ve really struggled. She has autism and everything I did was wrong and I haven’t felt like myself since I entered the relationship. My social circle is smaller and I always feel guilty for some reason.
We try to stay friends because she is my best friend and I do have love for her. She has no contact with family and no really close friends apart from me.
Yesterday we went to my friends house to hang out. On the way there I cried and told her I needed to tell her something, then let her know the at I was going to ask my sister to remove her from my family group chat because I needed to set a boundary. To me it felt odd to have her in the chat as we are no longer romantically involved.
She reassured me and said it was ok and I’m not doing anything wrong. I dropped her home and had a text later saying that she didn’t want to come to Christmas with my family and me. I asked if she was sure and said said yes.
This morning I woke up to a text saying that she can’t do this any longer and needs a break. She said I have been acting strange with her and not like a friend. I asked her why she feels I haven’t been a friend and she said “because you haven’t”. She won’t let me come talk to her to figure out how I have upset her.
I know she has erratic episodes which I used to take the brunt of. And now it’s happening again even though I’m no longer in the relationship. I don’t know what to do. I keep crying because it’s making me feel really low and I don’t understand what I did wrong.
I can’t just cut her out, she’s my friend. We also work together and we originally had a really mutual breakup. I am trying to figure out my boundaries. When she sets a boundary I don’t have a go at her, but when I set one why do I get made to feel so horrible for it?
 

Friday

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She said I have been acting strange with her and not like a friend. I asked her why she feels I haven’t been a friend and she said “because you haven’t”.
I don’t understand what I did wrong.
Take a step back from the emotions and look at things logically, for a moment.

You just broke up, and things are weird.

They will be for a little while.

Then they’ll either normalize, and you’ll be better friends than you ever were; or things will break, and rarely come back to being anything more than acquaintances.

Neurotypical people tend to understand this innately. People on the spectrum tend to get hurt and confused because what one says (staying friends) IS NOT what’s happening. It’s weird. It’s emotional. It’s odd boundaries being redefined. What used to be easy (like of course we’ll have Christmas together!), is now difficult. And a hundred other things that NT peeps rarely if ever notice.

Add in PTSD, and finite capacities for stress, and the inability to handle other people’s emotions when you can barely manage your own?

Pfft.

That can get dark and complicated fast.

She’s smart to want to take a break.

Because you’re not friends, right now. You’re trying to be. But things are weird, and hard, and emotional.
 
A

AnonymouslyNeedHelp

Take a step back from the emotions and look at things logically, for a moment.

You just broke up, and things are weird.

They will be for a little while.

Then they’ll either normalize, and you’ll be better friends than you ever were; or things will break, and rarely come back to being anything more than acquaintances.

Neurotypical people tend to understand this innately. People on the spectrum tend to get hurt and confused because what one says (staying friends) IS NOT what’s happening. It’s weird. It’s emotional. It’s odd boundaries being redefined. What used to be easy (like of course we’ll have Christmas together!), is now difficult. And a hundred other things that NT peeps rarely if ever notice.

Add in PTSD, and finite capacities for stress, and the inability to handle other people’s emotions when you can barely manage your own?

Pfft.

That can get dark and complicated fast.

She’s smart to want to take a break.

Because you’re not friends, right now. You’re trying to be. But things are weird, and hard, and emotional.
Thank you. I am struggling with the guilt of it all because I don’t want her to feel alone but I also don’t feel like I have done anything wrong for her to be mean to me.
She has a habit of taking things out on me and although it’s because her PTSD is taking over and she’s not in a good state of mind, I don’t think she realises how damaging it is to me.
I feel so alone and sad.
 
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