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Feeling alone, panic, hypervigilant -worth it?

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T2L

Learning
Good evening. I realized this got long (again) but it's the only way to get things "out" on very tough moments. I tried to keep things general as to not possibly trigger anyone. Please ignore any possible autocorrects.

I've been sitting here for over an hour trying to calm myself down. I love how this forum has many topics to post in, but I'm not sure where this belongs.... I've tried positive self talk and tell myself I'm safe right here and now; distraction techniques with coloring or tv; deep breathing and stretching; snuggling with my purring furballs (they sense it and snuggle extra when they know I'm having trouble); took anxiety meds and sleeping meds to see if they'll relieve the anxiety so I can just sleep it off: curling up in my safe place (on the floor in a hoodie): and rocking back and forth. It's not working tonight.

I can see just actively practicing these techniques is a huge improvement for me compared to when I was going directly to negative self destructive behavior. I'm trying to remember this, while at the same time I seriously wonder if it's worth it.. Therapy that is. I hear of people on the "other side," Ted Talks, TV shows, etc. I'm sure it was a long road for them too, but all you see is how they've survived trauma, processed, and moved forward with their lives... But how? I desperately want to get from point A to C. I'm sure processing the various layers and different types of trauma i experienced makes this all more complex.

Point A - avoiding emotions, depression, numbness, anxiety, negative coping skills. I'd be doing these things without processing the events and reasons... No emotional connection but still some PTSD reactions... If that makes any sense.. That's no way to live. I wanted to move on with life and be happy, which leads to seeking therapy (again!), but finally more in depth than ever with a therapist I trust the most.

Point B - starting the process. The brick wall in my mind became glass. I began to see the reasons and "see" the feelings were locked behind that glass wall, but I couldn't access them. I couldn't feel or put them into words. That glass wall started to crack and I began to feel anger then rage. Yay, I'm finally feeling, right?

The problem now is that the glass wall cracked so much that it has now shattered. In theory this is good and progress as far as therapy goes. Although I now have a lot of flooding with numerous intense feelings at once that I STILL can't verbalize. If I'm not flooded, I just lay on the floor shut down and can't do basic tasks like press start on the dish washer (which alone contradicts the cleaning OCD so that in itself confuses me and is kind of embarrassing).

I've started to write as I can, which is helping me make connections, or figure out verbally what some triggers are. Once I identity those, I can then try to use self-talk or tiny exposure therapy very slowly to work on reducing their impact. Some of these triggers are so minor that many wouldn't think anything of it, but the anxiety is so intense even if I'm still telling myself I'm completely safe. I know it's an automatic response, but I don't understand that logic vs emotion split in my mind.

Apparently writing this is helping me, so I'm sorry this is so long. I've found a new pattern that the day before therapy I get really anxious, irritable, and hypervigilant. I think that was my trigger today at work just completely overwhelmed and on edge. The random change in routine didn't help matters... And the fact is was a Monday... We all know Mondays suck.

I got home, did my usual routine, settled down to try to relax. Boom... anxiety took hold. That's when I tried all the positive techniques above. It would eb and flow but I did my best to keep trying to not let it overpower me.

Suddenly, and I have absolutely NO idea why, but flashbacks or intrusive memories started playing like a movie. I'm half present and can hear tv and physical things around me. I tried grounding techniques. When the these things get intense like this, it's not just one full event I go back to. It's like 5-10 second movie clips of each event back to back and keep going with no reprieve and they're from all different ages. I need to know why. I want them to stop. They just keep flipping over and over and over again. Usually only destructive behavior makes them stop or do something to knock myself out cold. I'm just trying to sit through the anxiety and panic tonight and I hate it... Again, that's where I wonder if this whole thing is worth it.

Can my brain just do this as part of the process of healing, or was there a trigger I'm unaware of that I should try to figure out? I know night is a trigger for other daily situations, but not this particular topic except once, that I recall.. Maybe at night it just makes my defenses go down so the images are harder to fight...I don't know. I'm rambling, but again... I'm feeling very alone and no one to talk to.

Is going through therapy and the "it gets worse before it gets better" stage truly worth it? I wasn't living before, just existing, but right now I'm essentially catching up on 30 years of feelings I never processed and sometimes it is just too much, especially since I'm working, which I am unable to change at the moment... i do my best to just deal somehow, but i know my performance and motivation are suffering, which adds to the anxiety/paranoia I'll get fired. I'm panicking at work these days, but luckily I can close my office door. I'm considered the awkward, quiet, and possibly snobby employee just because I barely talk. Random, but some of this and the emotional and sensory processing may be because they think I'm high functioning on the spectrum, or previously Asperger's.... This was recently brought up to me so I'm also processing that new information, which does explain some things.

Anyway, along with the increasing anxiety is more and more dissociation in various forms. I'm also terrified I'll push the few friends I have away if I continually vent to them or if I'm honest with the "how are you?" small talk, even if I know my friends genuinely care and want to make sure I'm ok.

Finally, to Point C - the person who appears to have moved on, gotten stronger, has learned to trust, can let their triggers pass rather than take over, those that use their experience to help others through their professions, charities, being an advocate, sharing their stories, ect. Perhaps I'm too impatient and feel I should get to point C much quicker.

Can anyone who's further along in recovery and finally processing things provide any advice, insight, or methods you've tried? Or share your experiences at the beginning? Any additional ways to help with anxiety and panic? I've been increasing the xansx and due to addiction issues in general, I see it becoming an possible problem and would like to rely much less on it. I've gotten alxalco under control (almost a year now)... So yea, need to replace substances instead of flailing like I am right now...

Again, I realize I'm actively making progress, but at the same time the anxiety and deeper thoughts are getting worse. It's so frustrating! Sometimes I wish I never broke down that wall, but it's down and I have to deal with it.... And act human at the same time.

I have therapy tomorrow so I'm going to possibly read this post to her. I don't know if verbally sharing the memories will "get them out," to help process it, or if it'll make things worse.

I guess that's it for now. I appreciate everyone on this site and thank you if you were able to read this all.
 
Can my brain just do this as part of the process of healing, or was there a trigger I'm unaware of that I should try to figure out?
yep to both. could be your brain has switched into a different type of processing and it's freaking you out - or it could be a new trigger. Either way it's affecting you, so getting your symptoms under control is the priority. You can figure out what caused it later.

Is going through therapy and the "it gets worse before it gets better" stage truly worth it?
Yes. It is. I'm still trudging along but I can do things now that I couldn't do a year ago - like post on this site and ask for help from those around me. It still gets bad sometimes, but I have some successes to back me up now so I know it will be worth it in the end.

Perhaps I'm too impatient and feel I should get to point C much quicker.
Yep -- I think that;s pretty much all of us. I KNOW it's me. I'm forever being told I need to slow down and let the process work. Forcing it just makes it worse.

What you posted all seems pretty normal to me.... or at least in the way that my journey went. You might talk to your T about additional sessions until you or over this bump in the road??
 
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