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Sexual Assault Feeling Alone

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lilstar

MyPTSD Pro
If i'm not on somewhere like here or talking to my T then I feel really alone.
None of my family or friends know about the abuse I suffered so hiding things from them make me so isolated.
I don't know how to deal with all these feelings and emotions, argh it's so hard.
 
Have you thought about talking to a friend or family member? Is there anyone in real life who you could trust and talk to? Sometimes you have to take the risk!
 
I have thought about it but i'm really scared. I don't know how they would react to hearing it.
 
I wrote it, and then it was never to be mentioned again, although she did try I just wasn't ready then.
 
I am a bit angry right now and I don't know how much sense I can make, but I'll try.
First of all, this is a virtual world. It is good that you found it, but the fact that you feel lonely should show you that it is not enough. Search for more. Find that one person who you trust - I really really hope you have at least one person you trust - and who has been there for you on other occasions and tell her/him. Just blurt it out. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I did that. I just spat it out in front of my best friend. She never judged me, she never forced me to disclose more than I could. She just was there when I needed her.
Let me ask you a question: what do you think would happen if you told someone your story? How do you think they would react? What is it exactly that scares you?
 
It's worth thinking about what Nyx has said. Over the last 12 months I have trusted more of my friends and family and none of them have let me down. I now have a great amount of support from caring people. Give it a go - you don't know unless you try.
 
I don't want them to see me any different or judge me in anyway. What scares me is once i've said it, it becomes even more real than it already is and I don't know if I can handle that. I find it hard already.
 
All that I can say is that I've been there, felt the same fears..... and then spoken out. The sooner you do it, the easier it is. I know how you feel. I kept my 'secret' for 17 years. I always protested when anyone suggested I tell my family. Eventually, I gave in, and I'm so glad that I told them.

Your family are with you for life... can you really keep this a secret for the rest of your existance? I doubt it, it will continue to eat away at you.
 
I don't want them to see me any different or judge me in anyway. What scares me is once i've said it, it becomes even more real than it already is and I don't know if I can handle that. I find it hard already.

If you choose a person who knows you and loves you, that person will never judge you. You can't love a person and judge them. They will just be there to hear and help heal. At your own pace, at your own moment.

I understand the fear of being looked at differently, I have also felt it and still do. Beside my best friend and my actual boyfriend I haven't told anyone either. I told my mother the first time it happened, but I couldn't the second time - but with her it's other reasons. The point is that I told them, the persons I most trust in this life and things have only changed for the best. My friend could better understand my depressions and outbursts, and my boyfriend understands my intimacy issues. They're far from solved, but these two wonderful people support me in solving them.

Regarding the 'real' part, I'm sorry to have to be so blunt, but it was real. No matter how many people know of it, it happened and you can't change that. You cannot take away the past just by not telling. I know it's hard, but this is the first step: accept that it has happened. Please note that I am using past tense. Try this little exercise when you feel overwhelmed: try feeling that past tense and then just concentrating on the good things in the present. But focus on clearly separating them. Because they are separated. That WAS. But NOW you ARE here and this IS a big step forward, even if you don't still realize it.

I'm sorry you are going through this and that you are feeling alone. And I wish I could help you, but I can't. That's why I was telling you to try talking to someone you know. Don't think that I am trying to convince you of anything, it's just that I can see no other solution. I'm sorry you're hurting, it WILL get better. Just stay strong.

Take care,
Nyx
 
Yep... the flipside is that you also tend to find true friends and family when you do tell such things, on who listens, who acknowledges, who supports you vs. who avoids you. Yes, some people will avoid you or deny what you told them because they don't know what to do with that information, or they don't care or want to know... but that doesn't mean EVERYONE doesn't care or won't care. Those times in our lives we often find the real people who might not always be around, but when you need them most, they are there for you.
 
I have thought about it but i'm really scared. I don't know how they would react to hearing it.

Lilstar something I was told and was reluctant to put into practice was "that it doesn't matter how they react or what they think; what matters is you saying your truth and getting it out". While it took me 6 months to do what was suggested and it only happened as a knee jerk reaction; it is true and has been the most uplifting and freeing experience of all my trauma.

You can't control how people will respond or react to what you need to get out but at least then you will be free of the burden and then you can identify who truly cares for you. It is better to have one person care about you than 20 frauds. Also, while you carry these burdens you can never be your true self. Life it short and it's not easy so if you can lessen the burden you really have nothing to lose.
 
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