I look up helpful information, and watch videos by professionals about suicidal thoughts and despair. It almost always triggers rage in me though. Especially when someone says hang in there this won't last forever. Sure technically they are right, I'll die at some point and it will stop. 30 years of extreme thoughts and emotions. Telling me it won't last is a slap in the face. I average an attempt one every 10 years or so. So 3 attempts. Shotgun, booze, and pills. Next year I'll be 40. 40 years of loneliness, self hatred, and fear. I can no longer get away from people that hurt me, because they are lodged in my head. 24 hours a day. "You will always be alone. Look at you. You can't do anything to help yourself or anyone else. Nobody wants someone broken and over sensitive. Nobody really likes you. People talk to you out of pity. You're not worth anything. You are just in the way and taking up resources for people that matter. Don't stand like that. Stop talking nobody cares.". There is so incredibly much more. It all shoots through my mind and emotions at light speed. All day everyday. I mean all day. I'm writing this before I even drag myself out of bed so I can go to my pathetic fast food job that I can barely force myself to go to so I'm not homeless. I can't talk about this kind of stuff to people. The extreme shame won't let me because I can't open up without a flood of emotion coming out. That would be worse than death. I was raised to not show negative emotions accept for anger. Crying in front of someone would definitely put me in a suicidal panic. The things people might say to help me I already know. The intellectual part of my brain is always overriden. I've always been a highly sensitive person, I feel everything way too deeply. That also brings a ton of shame as a guy. I was told to do some self examination to understand my emotions. Yes I've made some revelations through that process, but discovered things about myself that are just going to make life even harder. I've just stated to acknowledge to myself that I'm bisexual. At first my emotions ran away with things like "Great. See, your gay. People were right when they called you a fag while beating you." Then I realized that I'm gay really, but bi. That adds a host of other problems. One of which is coming to that conclusion knowing I live in a small farming town. This isn't exactly a good place for people who aren't a stereotypical straight white male. I don't know where I'm going with any of this. I just had this stuff and much much more going through head the second I got up. I think I'm going to need to take some weed to work so I don't have a breakdown. Work has been giving my stress hives. This should help. Still have to worried about getting fired and arrested for having something to get me through the work stress. I just wish I was either ok or dead.