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Feeling Confused - Thought I Understood PTSD, But Not Sure Now

Discussion in 'General' started by Roobear, Dec 22, 2006.

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  1. Roobear

    Roobear New Member

    I've had ptsd for seven years now and thought that I had understood it and the ways it's effected me and my life, now I'm not so sure and am feeling a little confused. After my trauma I tried to go to therapy but never found the right therapist, I was put on drugs at first but felt so uneasy on them I decided to try dealing with everything on my own drug free. It was a tough road for a while but I feel like I've learned so much about my ptsd and how it's personally effected me. Like most people with ptsd my trama has changed my life and the person I've become greatly, however there was one part of me I thought it hadn't touched, now I'm not so sure.

    Art has always been a big part of my life, at 16 I knew what I was going to be when I grew up, a computer artist (graphic design, web design etc. )everything was going great, I got excepted to a great art school, I was going places fast and I had it all. The confidence, the talent, the creativity, and then in my second year of art school my trama happened and everything fell apart. I managed to get it together enough to transfer colleges after a year off and graduate with my BFA from an art school close to home. I got job offers after school but they never seemed right, in any case here I am 26 and I still have yet to take a job in my field. In fact I haven't had a real job in over two years, I did teach some fine art classes for the summer though.

    I haven't done much with my computer art skills either, I keep saying I'm going to work on my portfolio and stuff but I never do. I use to love it and now the idea of getting a job in my field scares me, I am so afraid of failure. The idea of getting a job doing something else that has to do with art or just anything else but my field feels like a breath of fresh air. I've been doing computer art for over 9 years though so I'm not sure if I'm just burnt out and tried of it or it's something with my ptsd.

    I'm confused because I use to love it and couldn't wait to graduate and work in my field. Now I'm afraid that ptsd might have ruined this part of me as well and I may never be able to do it because it's too much of a hurtful reminder of the past. I never thought of it as being able to be a possible trigger but now I'm scared that it might be. Which if so makes me feel like I'm back at square one on my understanding of ptsd.
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  3. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Hi Roobear, welcome to the forum. From what your saying above, I don't think PTSD has anything to do with it, because PTSD or not, people desire change. Often we with PTSD confuse what is, and is not PTSD related. Those without still do the same things we do, they still change jobs, they still get bored doing the same thing for years on end. It has nothing to do with PTSD though, it has to do with keeping our mind active. We desire change because our lives change, we get older, more mature, we want different things. How many times have you said it yourself, or friends say, "I will never have children" or "I will never get married" and what happens, their lives change, they meet a girl, their heart or penis takes over, depending... they fall in love and suddenly married, suddenly pregnant with a bub on the way.

    When they said those things, they where correct at that time, but "never" is a rather large word that most don't really comprehend its full meaning, so its used pretty loosely and we read between the lines basically within our daily conversations. Mind changes, body changes, we strive for different purposes.

    Five years ago I was planning to still be in the military now, but I am not. Yes, PTSD caused that change, however; even with PTSD I ran my own online marketing company, made leaps and bounds, got bored, didn't need excessive money as it wasn't important to me anymore, and here I am, now retired and helping others opposed to things I thought I wanted 5 years ago.

    Its not PTSD roobear, your just changing, you want different things from life now, and you just have to figure out what that is.

    You see, our parents generation worked in a job for 40 years that they hated. They loved it for the first few years, novelty wore off around the 5+ years, 10 years they got their long service leave so it put a spark back, but basically they didn't approve of change in that generation, instead you did the same thing day in, day out, and you put up with it. Facts are, society has changed, and now employers are fighting to keep employee's, because they no longer have the same wants or needs. People now are smarter, learn more, are not as accepting to just sit and do, but learn and excel, hence the constant competitiveness within today's society itself.

    What you want is normal. You just have to decide what it is you want, but even that can take trial and error.
  4. Josh77

    Josh77 Active Member

    You sound like you understand your ptsd very well. i don't think you're at square-one again; you've just realized a new trigger, maybe. Don't feel bad about not working the past couple of years. I am close to you in age(I'm 29 y.o.) and i am on Social Security Disability (have been for 8 years, but am allowed to work part-time) because of my psych problems and haven't worked in a year and a half. I also went to school and trained for my job field (I am an electrician). I needed the break to start to heal. Please try not to let your hiatus from work bother you too much.
    Keep posting and look for the good feedback. Everyone here on this forum is very supportive!
    Hang in there, Roo...

  5. GR-ass

    GR-ass Well-Known Member

    I've held casual jobs/ studied for about four years. My PTSD symptoms usually ended up with me freaking out and I'd quit.

    I've been unemployed for the last two years. I have no idea what I'd like to do atm. I just knw that the thought of working with people and around people terrifies the shit out of me.
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