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Sexual Assault Feeling confused, too many questions lingering. can't make sense of it

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littleoc

MyPTSD Pro
I feel like I'm losing my mind. I hate needing to write this. I hate what happened.

Why did I keep going back to him? Was it even rape?

Also, why am I so confused about child sexuality? I've been told by my mom over and over that children's love isn't sexual. Why was mine? Why did I care about sex so much that I thought it was all that mattered to adults? What was wrong with me?

Is it just a taboo?

Why did my pedophie say it was natural? Why did he feel so bad, and why are there pedophiles at all? Why was kid love a thing in some cultures? Is it just taboo here?

Would I not be traumatized if I lived in some other culture before the 1400s? Not Italy. Middle East or something.

So confused. I hate my thoughts because I don't have the answers and I hate not having the answers, but I'm afraid to look it up because I feel like my dad is still stalking my every move. He used to stalk our internet activity and listen under our doors. Maybe someone here knows already?
 
I don't know. It makes me angry when people hurt kids. I can't look at a kid and think thoughts like t...
Then why are you any different? You deserve the same treatment as any other child. I understand the idea of trying to minimize what he did because then it hurts less. "he didn't mean it" hurts less than ," he hurt a child over and over and that child was me".
He did mean it. Whether it was intentional or not doesn't matter. If I kill somebody because I'm angry it doesn't matter that I'm angry it matters that I killed somebody.
 
Of course it was rape. It wasn't your fault you had venereal feelings as a child because the conduct of the child does not matter in instances of rape. Firstly, children don't naturally think about sex in a specific form. They aren't interested in sex unless it's introduced to them and they get a taste of it first. When an adult does that, it's sexual abuse, as it invades the child and its innocence. I think you might be confused about this because you've never experienced a natural, non-abuse-induced begetting of sexual feelings at an appropriate age.

Acting on pedophilia is never acceptable. Children can never consent, and adults should never engage in sexual activities with children even if they "invite" it. Any adult to have sex with a child regardless of provocation needs to be locked up. The idea of it repulses me, but pedophilia is naturally occurring. It is seen in animals as well, and people have no choice but to feel that way. I don't understand it, but it exists. There are pedophiles out there who would never hurt a child. Pedophilia is, however, an abnormality and a defect. Just like how cancer happens naturally. Pedophilia, no matter what, is always wrong to act on. It is taboo in all cultures, though there were "religious" and "spiritual" excuses made for it historically. Samurai men would molest samurai boys because it turned their spirits into the spirits of men, apparently. In reality, they were twisted men that found an excuse to rape children. I believe children of any time period would be traumatized by rape, even if they don't realize it because it was "normalized."

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You know how to open private tabs, activate a VPN, and delete search history, right? Very strange that your father might be doing those things; a telltale sign of psychological abuse if you ask me.

I hope you find the closure and answers you need.
 
you believe this because he TAUGHT you to believe this. He was a pedophile who groomed you until you believed whatever he wanted you to believe. This does not make you a bad person or someone with bad thoughts. This is someone who was a victim of a predator -- someone who was taught from a young age that what was happening was normal. Even when it wasn't

Think about learning a second language. You hear the words and foreign concepts over and over until you can repeat them back perfectly. Then you take those words and concepts with you into the world and believe that the words you know define what you see and hear.

Same thing here -- he taught you words and concepts that benefited him. And he taught them to you so well that now this is how you define the world. Now you have to unlearn them. And unlearning is hard!!
 
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