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Feeling depressed and anxious as i uncover years of traumas... should i be feeling it on purpose?

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littleoc

MyPTSD Pro
Hello :)

These last couple of months I've been working hard on confronting my cPTSD traumas. I'm now a young adult, coming out of the last traumatic thing I was dealing with until last October. Despite being a member here for longer, but at least I finally had the guts to end it at SOME point.

Anyway, I keep getting flooded with intense emotions that I'm either not used to, or are used to pushing away and hiding. Hiding because I hate being uncomfortable, in any way. Can't even be hungry, or hot, or oily. No discomfort.

Also hiding because in the past it was what was best for me. Having emotions got me into trouble.

However, I'm a very emotional person because I happen to be a human being, like at least the majority of people here :P But I don't like uncomfortable emotions.

I still feel covered in an almost physical way with guilt and shame for everything that's happened. I feel at fault for at least three things, including a death. (The creature that died wasn't a human, to be clear, but I saw everything in him to be like me. We really weren't that different.) I feel depresssed when I address it, like I've lost who I could have been and missed out on my own life. I also feel generally uneasy, and absurdly anxious. Like it's secretly not done yet and I'm going to take some wrong step and get SOMETHINGed again. Kidnapped, hit, assaulted, whatever.

I have pushed down these emotions for almost as long as I have been alive, because it started when I was a baby and I think it's really over now. I had to survive. Now I want to move on. And for some reason I want it to be instant and as painless as possible.

As I get these intense emotions, and depression and anxiety, I'm feeling that the best way to deal with them is to tell myself it's okay to feel that way. It's fine to be uncomfortable. As a human, our minds and bodies are rather resilient, biologically speaking. I know (from studies, not personally) what our ancestors were capable of. I know what my great grandfather was capable of when he fled Russia as a Jew in danger.

But I'm still doing things like looking at funny movies and videos, looking at cat pictures until it's very late at night so I can fall asleep exhausted instead of entertain my thoughts, like I'm still trying to avoid those emotions.

I think I'm avoiding the intense feeling? Maybe I'm overwhelmed? Should I be trying to get smaller doses of emotion that are actually able to be processed?

Sorry for the long-windedness. I'm confused a bit. Still a kid, honestly, and not sure what I'm doing wrong. :/
 
((((littleoc)))

First, may I remind you that you've done the best you could with the shit hand you were dealt? The shame you feel belongs to your abuser(s).

Like you I put everything aside so that I could focus on surviving, and those buried emotions almost destroyed me. I know it's hard, but honour your feelings. All of them. Cry. Let that pain out. Scream, curse, get violent on your pillows. Do whatever you need to do.

I cried for almost three years solid. I felt ashamed to cry, but we reach a point where we have no choice. Now, I feel better. It's like I finally got everything out.

We're here for you, sweetie!
 
Feeling these emotions doesn’t mean that you have to feel them all the time, all at once. It’s ok to do some of the online funny pick me up kind of stuff, as long as you’re not constantly doing it. My LOL pick me up is reading buzzfeed and I read it almost every evening. Sometimes I’m in stitches over the good articles.

Maybe when you feel a “bad” emotion, you can practice sitting with it, reminding yourself that this will pass, the feeling is temporary, using your breathing skills, etc. Do this for so long and then give yourself a break. Then, increase the time you sit with those bad feelings. Flooding your system with “bad” emotions should be avoided if at all possible (but in all likelihood you will have periods of flooding, and that’s ok).

Hugs.
 
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