Feeling disgusted about sex


New Here
So I've been in a relationship with my fiance for about 4 years now, we're getting married in 2 and we love each other so much. Legitmately an amazing, healthy relationship and I wouldn't change it for the world.
But lately there's been something that's bothered me.
As a teenager, I was sexually assaulted and harassed for years by a classmate who I thought was my friend. It's been a few years since it all ended and I'm getting help for PTSD because of it within the next few months. I thought I was doing better but the more time that passes, the more it weighs on me. And it's gotten to the point where I can't comfortably be intimate with my fiance. We haven't actually had sex yet, but we have done other intimate acts, but afterwards and in my day to day life I feel disgusted. Whenever I think about being intimate with him I just feel so, gross, ashamed, disgusted and repulsed by myself. Not by him, I'll specify. My fiance is okay with taking things slow, he's not ready for sex yet either (please don't judge us for not having sex but being engaged, we have our reasons) but I don't want to feel so repulsed by myself after being intimate with the love of my life. These feelings are accompanied by memories of my abuse, or the feelings from when i was abused, which are very similar.
I just hate it. I feel like I can't be a normal adult. I feel like I'm stunted, like I'm being held back. I want to be intimate, and show my fiance how much I love him but the feelings are so viscerally uncomfortable I just can't.
Does anyone have any advice?
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Welcome to the forum!

I deleted your trigger warning, we don’t use those here 🙂 I inserted a portion of the Community Constitution and a link. I recommend taking a look at that

MyPTSD does not use trigger warnings. Mind reading what could be a trigger for another is a negative thinking style, a problem all PTSD sufferers need to correct at some level. Whilst some view its use as a courtesy, it is impossible to know what will, or will not, trigger another person, regardless the graphic detail contained. After all, this is a space where those affected can discuss trauma and its consequences.

Community Constitution

Does anyone have any advice?

I most definitely relate with this feeling. Can I ask, have you disclosed what you’re going through to your fiancé much?