Feeling Down - Nightmares

[anthony]

I see you found the avatars crazy chicken, I mean Lizagirl... LOL

I like em.

 

[piglet]

Don't know what's come over me. I've been fine most of the day (once I got past the post-nightmare morning hours). I just started feeling so angry and I can't work out why - unless it's cos I'm at work tomorrow. There's no point being angry about that, cos I'm prepared as I can be. It doesn't make sense (but what does?).

I AM worried about this week, as I did find last week much harder than I thought it would be. I have a review meeting with my line manager and HR on friday - really looking forward to that - NOT! They'll want to increase my hours and I don't - if anything, I think I'm doing too much.

And to top it all, I've run out of chocolate. Fortunately I have a reserve supply in my office desk - something to look forward to when I get to work!

 

[lizagirl]

Stress does tend to make some symptoms worse...it depends on how you were before the PTSD. Russian Roulette of the mind..some things will trigger the nightmares, some won't...

Anthony...the crazy chicken reminded me of me...it was the one closest to my personality...I wondered about my craving for eggs though....

 

[anthony]

With PTSD, 99% of the time, our emotions come out as anger. It is becomes increasingly more difficult the longer you have PTSD untreated, to identify the actual emotions underlying the anger. Anger is not an emotion. Anger is a consequence of emotions, thus you must dig deeper than anger to find what emotions are creating anger.

Look at the [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread12.html"]iceberg of emotions[/DLMURL], and you need to assimilate what is creating the anger to actually help heal the problem. Are you actually feeling:

• vunerable, or
• helpless, or
• frustrated, or
• feeling things are out of your control

and so forth. The underpinning emotions are what is creating the anger. I should actually be an expert on this topic, as my anger was so far out of control, it really wasn't even amusing when I look at it now. When I finally gave in, and looked deep within to what was creating this anger, rage and hostility within me, I could then identify that I was fearful of the future, I was not in control of myself, I felt vunerable, etc etc. These feeling where what needed to be worked on to fix my anger. So, nothing like a good example:

• Fear - I was fearful of so many things:
  • Losing control of myself
  • Losing my wife
  • Finances
  • Killing myself
  • Lack of friends support
  • etc etc
• Vunerable - where I felt if I shared what was going on within me, maybe that person/s would exploit the issue.
• Not in Control - I had been in war zones, seen things, done things that are not generally acceptable within society, I had a weapon and I controlled every situation I was within. Suddenly, I have no weapon, I have no control, people don't need to listen to what I say if not military, and the list goes on.

You can see these are just a few examples of what I had to go through with a counsellor to identify within myself what was causing the anger. I did an anger management course which did nothing. It wasn't until I did the CBT in the PTSD course that finally counsellors and social workers had the time to fully explain the iceberg of emotions, and that anger is merely an act of emotions, and not an actual emotion itself. Learning to identify with these emotions is what helped rid anger.

Now, on a daily basis. I get grumpy some days, some part days, just as you are explaining, but I then have to apply these techniques to those times to find why I am angry when I woke up.

• Did I have a restless sleep?
• Is something coming up and I am getting anxious?
• Am I stressed about an issue?
• Do I have a busy day?
• etc etc

Whilst I may now get grumpy, I am certainly not angry like I used too, hence only grumpy, which is far less for me and those around me. I might snap here, but then apologise and get on with things, where before I would nearly kill someone and never apologise.

The toilet roll being around the wrong way may be enough to snap from anger, but was it really the toilet roll being the wrong way around, and thus a persons fault for putting it that way; or is there actually another issue that is building stress within me? ie.

• do I feel I have appointments were I'm fearful off the unknown?
• do I feel vunerable that my future is uncertain?
• do I feel helpless that I have PTSD and I don't fully understand it?
• do I feel rejected by my friends, family or spouse?
• do I feel rejected from society even?
• do I feel embarrassed about not being capable of normal duties?
• do I feel embarrassed that my partner is supporting me?

Notice how everything started with "do I feel?" Feelings are the emotions underlying rage, anger, hostility and restlessness. Identification of these with a counsellor, partner, friend or family member, can often help you identify the "actual" real issues of what is showing upon the surface!

 

[anthony]

Anthony...the crazy chicken reminded me of me...it was the one closest to my personality...I wondered about my craving for eggs though....

Oh, don't worry, I seriously considered that one myself for the same reasons! :wall: So I thought I would go with the crazy frog instead...

 

[lizagirl]

Anthony, you do give good advice...the ONLY good thing with PTSD is how it forces you to be self aware. Look at the bright side right? I never would have looked so hard at who I was if I didn't have PTSD. Who wants to really? Sometimes it feels more like self absorbtion. Fine, it keeps me off the meds, but the daily dose of "self talk" is hard to swallow all the same. I too would snap at the littlest thing, I was so angry...that wasn't me, it had never been me. After the accident it was much easier to lose myself in that anger. It is a difficult process, takes some time, but if you are committed to it, it works...I say it again, it was really good advice..

 

[anthony]

Thanks Liza... much appreciated. As you know, its hard with PTSD to accept compliments, but that was another aspect I had to learn to come to terms with, in that if people didn't want to compliment something, they wouldn't, thus we with PTSD need to accept and acknowledge compliments as we have done good. PTSD is an endless mind game... your right.

Thanks, and I can say that really good advice is coming from everyone here. The support building in this place is quite comforting, in that many here know they can come here and find someone who supports them, helps them, maybe provide the right viewpoint to them, or something that just makes them think and feel better about themselves.

Thankyou Liza, and thankyou for your contribution here.

 

[piglet]

Think I'm frustrated about work. Sent an e-mail asking for more non-contact time to catch up with the paperwork. Will find out on Friday. Got through today, but not all there and have the shakes too. Light day tomorrow, but I am working tonight too. Oh well. It'll get sorted. Thanks for the wise words - brought me back to reality again!

 

[YoungAndAngry]

Sometimes the only way to find out what works is to find out what doesn't work. Your doing great Piglet..keep it up!

Piglet, you are doing great, you are back at work, you are listening to yourself and your reactions...

The stress and anxiety you feel about work I would consider normal.
You said you enjoyed walking your dog to de-stress...
Would it be possible to go for a quick stroll during your work break?
Might help get through the rest of each day...?

 

[lizagirl]

Walking during a break or lunch probably would help...kinda like fooling your mind, it would put you in the frame of mind you have when you DO walk your dog...automatic relaxation. Of course you might miss your dog, but it would give you time to recharge, even if only for a short period

 

[piglet]

Would it be possible to go for a quick stroll during your work break?
Might help get through the rest of each day...?

What's a work break? Lunch time (I'd call it lunch hour, but we only get 45 minutes) involves phoning absent students, answering e-mails and preparing next lessons while stuffing any food you have down as fast as possible. Oh - and take off 5 minutes at each end for getting to office and getting to next class....Healthy isn't it?!

 

[YoungAndAngry]

you need to break up your day somehow if possible...
take a 'walk lunch" (banana, juice/water, something you can eat while walking)

I know it's easy to preach these things to you...
doing it is the actual challange..
... but I don't want to see you burn yourself out!