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Feeling Ebarrassed About Coping

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Sues

MyPTSD Pro
I feel stupid and embarrassed about what I do to cope with being abused. I'm not like everyone else. I never feel safe, and that makes me feel stupid too. Because I feel stupid about it, I don't feel like I have a right to my feelings. So I think my feelings are stupid. But they aren't. I just don't understand them. I don't like them either. And I don't know how to deal with them, so how is anyone else supposed to know how to deal with them, or with me?

I already know all of this. But each day, every time it happens, I still feel stupid, embarrassed, not normal, and I feel about two inches tall and like everyone is either going to step on me, or that they are completely irritated with having to walk around me.

None of this would make sense to anyone else. They would tell me that I am crazy and that everything's fine. But I know different. And that makes me feel alone. Because I am alone. No one else knows any of these things about me, and I'll never tell anyone. ever.
 
I wish that you were not so hard on yourself because that will make you feel worse. I think you are a warm and caring person that has suffered and endured so much wrong, anguish and pain. I think you have been so badly hurt. I think you are normal for what you have been through. I hope you can begin to start telling yourself good things about you.

You have every right to your feelings. Your feelings are probably why you are not being abused anymore. I think you are very smart and caring and intelligent and talented. You have gifts that make you you. I hope you can begin to be kind to yourself because you deserve so much good. Big hugs.
 
Sues,

I am not going to say that I know how you feel as each of us is unique, but I understand your statement that you never feel safe. After almost 20 years of an abusive marriage and then almost ten years of constant threats, stalking and break-ins after the divorce, I still do not feel safe at some level.

Yes, I understand the fear of people thinking you are "crazy". My ex is in jail and won't be eligible for parole for another 48.25 years, and there are family and friends who do not understand why it isn't over for me. Thing is, even though part of me knows he is no longer around, another part of me responds like he still is. I still am jumpy, know every escape route from every public place I enter (I scan them out immediately), fight the urge to alter my route when driving, and still have panic attacks when I see a vehicle that resembles his.

But I really am not crazy and what I feel was based in the reality at the time. It is just going to take time and work for all of me to know that he really isn't around to terrorize me any more. So not feeling safe is not crazy, stupid, and is probably a very normal response to a very abnormal situation.

I think it is really hard to accept our own feelings, especially when we are conditioned to deny or invalidate ourselves. I have only recently learned to accept that what I am feeling is OK, and to let them be without judgement. Emotion is personal, and really no one is any position to judge another. But start by learning to accept yourself, what you are feeling, and where you are at without the negatives. It isn't easy and takes time, but that is what being here is all about. Taking the journey together and supporting each other along the way.

Just my .02.

Debbie
 
Thanks for all of the replies and hugs everyone!

I still am jumpy, know every escape route from every public place I enter (I scan them out immediately), fight the urge to alter my route when driving, and still have panic attacks when I see a vehicle that resembles his.

Intothelight- this describes me exactly!

I wish my ex was in jail, but he's not. And he's a retired police officer who did a lot of surveillance during his job. I have the added bonus of not being able to tell people where I live or what city I live in for fear of him finding us.
 
Thanks Abstract. At some level I know my feelings are normal, but most of the time I guess I'm irrational and I don't think so.

I feel like I'm hiding most of the time. When I'm around other people, I have to appear normal and not let anyone know that something's wrong with me. And that's the part that makes me feel stupid.
 
I think sometimes the hardest things is to be honest about your feelings and accept them. For years I had no idea who I was, I was so conditioned. I had no idea how I feel and when to feel it, can act inapproprately sometimes because of it. They had stripped me of my identity. I was also conditioned to beleive that if you can't get on with it and brush it off then then I was worthless or only trying to get attention. In fact I lost touch of me, my feelings were completley confused. I doubted everything I thought so could not trust anyone. That made me feel really stupid sometimes too. God I must be gullible.

However, I have realised it is not that I am weak or stupid or gullible, it was my conditioning that was causing conflict because it went against how I was really feeling, deep down, the feelings I was trying to hide or thought were wrong because that is what I was told.

I have every right to own my feelings.

Best wishes
Saffy :)
 
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