Feeling Inadequate with a Busy Friend

[LeiaFlower]

I recently started hanging out with a new friend. I’ve been talking with them since early this year with a sparse hangouts in between. They have a busy schedule and stated planning things can get hard. In the beginning they still made sure to check in, call, or plan a future outing. For the past two months though things sort of fizzled. They are working more and stated their schedule gotten more busy. While I understand this I can’t help my feelings of abandonment.

I am not owed their time or energy, but it still sucks knowing that they still make time for other friends. I know this is a conversation that I should have, but it’s hard to get a reply most of the time. I don’t want to come across that I am not understanding of their uncontrollable busy schedule but a part of me is like you make time for people you care about, so if they aren’t making time for me does it mean they no longer care? I had friends in the past that ghosted me or things didn’t work out, so it’s opening up a trauma wound. I want to approach it in empathetic space not just for her, but for myself.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

I recently started hanging out with a new friend. I’ve been talking with them since early this year with a sparse hangouts in between. They have a busy schedule and stated planning things can get hard. In the beginning they still made sure to check in, call, or plan a future outing. For the past two months though things sort of fizzled. They are working more and stated their schedule gotten more busy. While I understand this I can’t help my feelings of abandonment.

I am not owed their time or energy, but it still sucks knowing that they still make time for other friends. I know this is a conversation that I should have, but it’s hard to get a reply most of the time. I don’t want to come across that I am not understanding of their uncontrollable busy schedule but a part of me is like you make time for people you care about, so if they aren’t making time for me does it mean they no longer care? I had friends in the past that ghosted me or things didn’t work out, so it’s opening up a trauma wound. I want to approach it in empathetic space not just for her, but for myself.

It sounds like you're going through a tough time with this situation, @LeiaFlower. It's understandable that feeling like you're being left out or ignored can bring up past experiences of abandonment and contribute to feelings of insecurity and hurt.

It's positive that you recognize the importance of approaching this from an empathetic space for both yourself and your friend. Have you had a chance to reflect on what specific needs or feelings are being triggered within you in this situation? Understanding what lies beneath the feelings of abandonment could help guide you in expressing your needs to your friend in a gentle and conducive manner.

Considering the history of friends ghosting you in the past, it's natural that this current situation would evoke those past traumas. How do you think these past experiences could be influencing your current feelings and responses in this friendship dynamic?

When you mentioned that you want to have a conversation with your friend but find it hard to get a reply most of the time, have you considered different ways of expressing your thoughts and feelings that might resonate with them? How would you like this conversation to ideally unfold for both of you to feel heard and understood?

 

[LeiaFlower]

Have you had a chance to reflect on what specific needs or feelings are being triggered within you in this situation?

It’s triggers feelings of inadequacy, that I’m easily replaceable. I make me wonder if they got bored of me or annoyed with me. I mostly need reassurance that it isn’t the case by my friend checking in without me replying first, or taking time to make plans. They haven’t, but they could be tired because of new responsibilities. They said they prefer calling more and I stated a few times I am open to calling instead, but they never took me up on that offer.

When you mentioned that you want to have a conversation with your friend but find it hard to get a reply most of the time, have you considered different ways of expressing your thoughts and feelings that might resonate with them?

I am unsure how to express this since text does not seem appropriate but randomly asking to call seems attacking. Maybe if I just ask to call to catch up then find a way to bring the topic up? But that seems like I’m deceiving her or attacking her out of nowhere. I don’t know how to approach it where both of us feel heard and safe to express our feelings.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

It’s triggers feelings of inadequacy, that I’m easily replaceable. I make me wonder if they got bored of me or annoyed with me. I mostly need reassurance that it isn’t the case by my friend checking in without me replying first, or taking time to make plans. They haven’t, but they could be tired because of new responsibilities. They said they prefer calling more and I stated a few times I am open to calling instead, but they never took me up on that offer.

It's understandable that this situation is triggering feelings of inadequacy and questioning your value in this friendship, @LeiaFlower. Feeling easily replaceable or feeling like your friend may have gotten bored or annoyed with you can be distressing.

Expressing your need for reassurance is a valid and important step in navigating this situation. Have you considered sharing these feelings with your friend in a way that communicates your vulnerability while also fostering understanding and empathy?

It's positive that you've expressed your openness to calling instead of texting to your friend, offering an alternative way to connect. Since they haven't taken up on that offer, have you thought about gently bringing up your need for more frequent communication or connection in a way that emphasizes your feelings and needs rather than placing blame or judgment on them? How do you think you could approach this conversation to convey your feelings and needs effectively while also considering their perspective and circumstances?

I am unsure how to express this since text does not seem appropriate but randomly asking to call seems attacking. Maybe if I just ask to call to catch up then find a way to bring the topic up? But that seems like I’m deceiving her or attacking her out of nowhere. I don’t know how to approach it where both of us feel heard and safe to express our feelings.

It's understandable that finding the right approach to express your feelings and needs in a way that feels safe and non-confrontational can be challenging, @LeiaFlower. The balance between being honest about your emotions and creating a space where both of you feel heard and understood is crucial in maintaining a healthy and open dialogue.

Asking to call to catch up as a way to initiate the conversation is a thoughtful approach. It provides an opportunity for a more personal and immediate form of communication, which can convey sincerity and openness. You can use this call to reconnect and share updates about each other's lives, creating a comfortable atmosphere before diving into discussing your feelings.

When you feel the timing is right during the call, you can gently bring up your concerns about feeling a bit disconnected and share how important their friendship is to you. By using "I" statements to express your feelings and needs, you can convey your thoughts without sounding accusatory or confrontational. For example, "I've been feeling a bit insecure about our connection lately, and I wanted to talk to you about how we can stay connected despite our busy schedules."

How does the idea of initiating the conversation during a call feel to you? How do you think you can express your feelings authentically while also creating a safe space for both of you to share your perspectives?

 

[LeiaFlower]

The balance between being honest about your emotions and creating a space where both of you feel heard and understood is crucial in maintaining a healthy and open dialogue.

Asking to call to catch up as a way to initiate the conversation is a thoughtful approach. It provides an opportunity for a more personal and immediate form of communication, which can convey sincerity and openness. You can use this call to reconnect and share updates about each other's lives, creating a comfortable atmosphere before diving into discussing your feelings.

Okay, maybe I’ll have to take the first step with calling. I recently tried to connect through text but they haven’t responded yet. I’ll wait until midweek for a reply, so it doesn’t come across as me bombarding them. Then I’ll focus on keeping my request for calling as friendly and welcoming, and mostly focusing on the conversation as that. At times I shy away from uncomfortable conversations where I have to express my feelings, but I don’t want to give up on a friendship.

"I've been feeling a bit insecure about our connection lately, and I wanted to talk to you about how we can stay connected despite our busy schedules."

I like leading with my feelings about the friendship as a whole instead of their actions then trying to find a resolution. Thanks for the suggestions

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

Okay, maybe I’ll have to take the first step with calling. I recently tried to connect through text but they haven’t responded yet. I’ll wait until midweek for a reply, so it doesn’t come across as me bombarding them. Then I’ll focus on keeping my request for calling as friendly and welcoming, and mostly focusing on the conversation as that. At times I shy away from uncomfortable conversations where I have to express my feelings, but I don’t want to give up on a friendship.

Taking the first step with calling sounds like a positive plan, @LeiaFlower. It shows your willingness to reconnect and maintain the friendship despite the challenges you've been facing in communication recently. Waiting until midweek for a reply before following up is a considerate approach that allows them time to respond at their own pace.

It's completely normal to feel hesitant about having uncomfortable conversations, especially when it involves expressing vulnerable emotions. It's commendable that you're willing to step out of your comfort zone to address your feelings and work towards nurturing the friendship.

Remember that expressing your thoughts and emotions authentically is an important part of any healthy relationship. It allows for honest communication, mutual understanding, and growth within the friendship. It's okay to feel vulnerable in these moments; it shows your strength and willingness to prioritize the connection you share.

As you prepare to reach out and suggest a call, focus on maintaining a warm and welcoming tone, with the main emphasis on catching up and connecting rather than immediately diving into the deeper conversation. This approach can help create a comfortable space for both of you to engage and gradually lead to addressing your concerns about the relationship.

How do you envision this conversation unfolding, and how can you reassure yourself that it's okay to express your feelings and needs in a safe and supportive way? What strengths or qualities can you draw upon within yourself to navigate this conversation with confidence and authenticity?

I like leading with my feelings about the friendship as a whole instead of their actions then trying to find a resolution. Thanks for the suggestions

You're very welcome, @LeiaFlower. Leading with your feelings about the friendship as a whole can create a foundation of understanding and empathy, setting the stage for open and honest communication. Acknowledging and expressing your emotions can pave the way for a constructive dialogue where both of you feel heard and valued.

Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's essential to prioritize your emotional well-being in any relationship. By approaching the conversation with authenticity and vulnerability, you are paving the way for a deeper connection and mutual growth within the friendship.

If you have any more thoughts, concerns, or updates after your conversation with your friend, feel free to reach out. Remember to take care of yourself throughout this process and nurture your emotional well-being. You're taking positive steps in addressing your needs and nurturing your relationships, and that's truly commendable. Wishing you all the best in your conversation and in fostering a stronger connection with your friend.