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Feeling Like A Zombie

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I meant in a way that being hurt physically can sometimes hurt much less than verbal abuse. In a way.

Okay :) But I still disagree about that. That's okay though, we can agree to disagree.

The subject of physical abuse is very touchy for me because my mother beat me black and blue until I was 15. On the side, I was verbally abused in the sense of I was "a piece of shit" and "I made her life horrible, she'd kill herself because of me". I don't know which kind of abuse f*cked me up more and I really don't care. Both having beaten the crap out of you and being verbally abused hurt in their own horrible way.

I'm still angry about what they did to me, so I'm sensitive about it.
 
Yes, not reacting to something leaves me feeling bad, makes me want to kill, hurt and get rid of ones I hate. How much I wished to push the guy who was threathening me with a knife into that river. I could have done it, without facing much consequences, he was the one holding a knife, I just had a stick for self defense. I should've done it :banghead: At least I smashed his nose in "self defense" later when he attacked me.

Well, my self control can be really bad sometimes, luckily I more or less manage to do what I want when I'm attacked, doing my best to make it be self defense.
[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/10416/"]@shimmerz[/DLMURL]
Uhhh, so I'm supposed to keep that desire to kill that eats me from inside in me the whole time... Then I will just randomly boom and do something wrong...
Why are people attacking you @otakujome . I am trying to hear you but you are building a wall with the phrases like 'I want to kill' and '1 litre of alcohol'. Don't you see that it is actually your wording that is the cause of the derailment of this thread?

You state that your parents don't care what you do. Clearly from the response of this thread many of us do care. But caring comes in many different ways that doesn't always include agreement.

So let's get to what you think is happening when people attack you. What is that about? Also, when you came on the site you were starting therapy. Is that still happening?
 
@shimmerz

No, unfortunately no theraphy. Parents say it would be "just wasting momey on me" and last time it was mentioned, they yelled at me. I guess I will just have to survive for next N years somehow.

Also, no goof theraphists in Croatia to be found. Last visit the guy kicked me out because I didn't agree with him saying that it's impossible to have partial memory loss. I kinda gave up on that part then. Had 3-4 theraphists in life so far, nothing actually useful.

shimmerz said:
So let's get to what you think is happening when people attack you. What is that about?

Are you asking about actual physical attacks/assaults or verbal?
 
Sorry to hear about the no therapy thing.
Let's start with the physical ones. Is this a cultural thing or do you feel it is more about 'you' being targeted?

I need your confirmation on the other issues I raised in my last posting too. Can you keep the alarmist language out of this (drinking, killing) so we can focus on the issue? Otherwise I need to step out of this one.
 
@shimmerz

Ok, I will try to not use such words. I'm sorry for upsetting you so much, my brain is so messed up. I'm sorry.

It's me being targeted... Since the second school and serious bullying, the 'news' of me were pulling along and people knew me, and due to some circles ans groups, bullying didnt stop. I don't quite remember stuff from before, and don't want to be streamed by memories atm.
 
I'm sorry for upsetting you so much, my brain is so messed up.
Thank you so much @otakujome . I appreciate your hearing me. You haven't upset me. You see this is for you more than for me. Letting those words sit in your head isn't a good thing for you and that matters to me. Sometimes it may seem that a person is saying something for a reason you believe is true when in fact it is for another reason - like in this instance. I wonder if you could ask for clarification when you feel like your brain is messed up?
and don't want to be streamed by memories atm.
Smart. Very smart. This is self regulation. You know when posting about stuff when to stop in this instance. Well done! When your brain comes back online you might want to look at posts about self regulation as I feel it isn't there so much when you are angry. I feel this because you use those 'big words' which to me, is an indicator that you are not regulating properly. Maybe have @Harley Quinn look for these words and remind you if you feel this might be true. I can understand why given what I know about you and your situation. I can also see that you are a very 'feeling' guy. I have noticed that when you feel like you have hurt someone's feelings you quickly apologize.

Bullies aren't too smart you know. They don't like people seeing them for what they are. They hate the light being shone on them. I know. I wonder if there is a possibility that you could outsmart them by learning some self regulation and thinking your way through this situation? Just a thought....you see I know because I had to do the same a little bit ago when I was continually being overpowered by bullies. I made my way through by being smart. What do you think?
 
I have to add my two cents here, I'm just sitting on the fence here and thinking that you are making your self a target, I have done that myself in the past, You have to relise that you are asking a bunch of people with ptsd to help solve your problems, we are all here because we want to talk to people who understand how we feel, I am on 200mf of Zoloft a day now and still need Diazapam on top of that to control my anxiety, so I know a little bit about anxiety, Prior to that I drank a half a bottle of scotch a night to stay numb, We all know how you feel as we have all been there, Our reasons for having ptsd are all different but we all suffer the same. You are not alone.
 
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