Feeling like I’m selfish in my relationship


My boyfriend has been going through a lot lately and I feel like a selfish jerk. Granted he’s there for me and understands my issues but I’m starting to think I’m a self centered person because of this disorder. I have been thinking a lot lately about how I want to change by looking at my strengths and weaknesses. I’m crying over past trauma while my boyfriend just lost his job and I am on disability. I help pay bills: half utilities and internet and a couple hundred towards rent, which isn’t much. He becomes physically I’ll and feels awful most of the time. He talks to me about his feelings, but doesn’t really cry. I told him the other day that I wish I was like him and didn’t meltdown during stress. The littlest thing will set me off. I want to be a better person and stop this self centered behavior but I don’t know where to begin. I feel like being the youngest in my family and the only girl has helped shape me into this mindset along with how I personally react to my trauma.

Please help. I feel like I need to grow up.


gentle empathy, littlestars. i often feel like mental illness is such a hungry demon that it eats up my entire capacity to give and i slide into self-loathing when i let the feeling fester. giving into my martyr complex ends up with neglecting self-care and creating unacceptable collateral damage with the mighty snap of my super cape.

oh for the love of balance. . .

i shoot for the balance by being gentle and compassionate with myself and the extra care demanded by my mental illness while making it a point to commit at least 3 selfless acts every day.


. I want to be a better person and stop this self centered behavior but I don’t know where to begin.
I begin exactly where you are… NOTICING it.

Once something hits my radar as something I don’t like about myself & want to change?

This is actually where my “timeout rules” (below) come from

1. What happened
2. Why did it happen
3. What are at least 2 things I could do differently next time (because there will always be a next time)
4. Make it right, to the best of my ability, now.

Which is a useful shortcut (I often employ instead) than the much longer process I usually charge myself with; also a helluva lot easier to remember! But? Long process below.

Changing things I dislike about myself/my life
1. Notice it when it happens // attempt to stop when I do notice it
2. Look at exactly what happened (not why)
3. Why did it happen? (See? We’ll get there.)
4. Brainstorm things I’d like to do differently next time, keep several options in my back pocket.
5. EXPERIMENT! Start applying those things AS I notice the what or why happening (and see what happens / what I like/dislike & how to improve or change)
6. Build habits and routines around encouraging what I like, and discouraging what I don’t. Until what’s “easy” is the thing I like, instead of the thing I don’t.
7. Whenever possible? Make all of ^^^above^^^ a game.
8. Keep my sense of humor
9. Remember to say “thank you” instead of “I’m sorry” when I f*ck it all up


New Here
That's awesome advice Friday. I use my past trauma to help me be more supportive of others. I know what I needed from others, I know what it feels like to hurt, to feel week, to need to lean on someone, what stupid things not to say, what actually helps, that kind of thing. I'm awesome at being there for others because of what I've been through. One of my goals is to help bring way more healing to the world than the suffering I endured. In my mind that turns that negative into a positive overall. Helping others also feels like it's part of my healing. My feelings towards other people who are hurting helps me see how I should feel towards myself. Do I feel like they're week? Like they're wrong for feeling that way? Like they're broken and unlovable? Like they're hopeless and I should just give up them? No! I feel kindness and empathy and love and hope. So that's how I should feel towards myself as someone who's hurting. It helps change my perspective on myself.