Feeling like I will never have a healthy romantic partner...stories from the otherside?

[couragetogrow]

Hello everyone,

Has anyone felt that they will not find a healthy romantic partner? I have a dysfunctional family and I have worked so hard to end the cycle of dysfunction by continuing to work on myself, my behaviors and make amendments to my boundaries/relationships with said family members.

That being said, I know when dating for marriage in "normal" healthy relationships, there is high importance placed on how a man or woman treats her family and their relationship with their family. Well...my family sucks lol...but I don't want to be looked at as the problem and like I'm some toxic person because I have chosen to have limited contact with them for my mental health. In my past relationships, it wasn't an issue because quite frankly I avoided intimacy. I had romances that were either quite codpendent or where I had sole control over the level of intimacy. I have worked on myself to the point where I am open to having a healthy intimate relationship with a partner and being more vulnerable. I know that I have a pure heart and love to share, but I won't lie that I've had the disempowering thought creep in "who wants to be in a relationship with someone that has a history of these issues when there are people that don't have this background?" and like I'm doomed to either attract toxic partners for the rest of my life or be alone.

I would love to hear your thoughts and especially if you found happiness on the other side of this I'd love to hear your story. Thanks in advance.

 

[KayW]

I cant give you a story from the other side sadly. Ive been single for around 18 years and Ive never experienced a healthy intimate relationship.

I have thought about what it would be like, I think the companionship would be good. But I think after all this time and given my history, if I wasnt in therapy, I would book myself in to find the support I would need to bevable to build a good relationship (or leave if it wasnt working).

So I think, being aware of what you might find difficult in a relationship and putting support into place to help you manage that, then you might well find a good relationship.

Reading about attachment styles can be useful to understand how you respond to relationships.

 

[arfie]

i flat-out refused to date for all the reasons you just listed, plus a basketful. i had no plans to marry for all the same reasons. my focus was on building an independent life i could be proud to call my own.

but. . . along came this really sweet soul with the a focus similar to mine and. . . love happened. forty odd years later, we still focus on building independent lives we can be proud of and still haven't had our first date, but our 42nd anniversary is around the corner.

our love is not looking deeply into each other's eyes. it is looking deeply in the same direction.

 

[couragetogrow]

i flat-out refused to date for all the reasons you just listed, plus a basketful. i had no plans to marry for all the same reasons. my focus was on building an independent life i could be proud to call my own.

but. . . along came this really sweet soul with the a focus similar to mine and. . . love happened. forty odd years later, we still focus on building independent lives we can be proud of and still haven't had our first date, but our 42nd anniversary is around the corner.

our love is not looking deeply into each other's eyes. it is looking deeply in the same direction.

I love this 💜

 

[Rorster93]

I feel this way right now even tho I'm in a relationship atm. My advice would be to take things very slow. Currently in a feeling-state of hopelessness regarding my own love life but my therapist says people like us do find love, it is a possibility. Our partners are those who accept us, understand to not take things personally and are willing to discuss boundaries and conflict resolution.

As far as "why would someone date me when they can date a sane person?" Everyone has their problems, we shouldn't compare our insides to their outsides. When it comes to your relationship, it concerns the two of you and no one else. You didn't ask to be this way, you weren't born with PTSD. It is not part of your authentic self that comes out in moments of intimacy. And when genuine love is involved, I find myself personally willing to forgive offenses quicker for my love than for another.

 

[sadchick]

Hello everyone,

Has anyone felt that they will not find a healthy romantic partner? I have a dysfunctional family and I have worked so hard to end the cycle of dysfunction by continuing to work on myself, my behaviors and make amendments to my boundaries/relationships with said family members.

That being said, I know when dating for marriage in "normal" healthy relationships, there is high importance placed on how a man or woman treats her family and their relationship with their family. Well...my family sucks lol...but I don't want to be looked at as the problem and like I'm some toxic person because I have chosen to have limited contact with them for my mental health. In my past relationships, it wasn't an issue because quite frankly I avoided intimacy. I had romances that were either quite codpendent or where I had sole control over the level of intimacy. I have worked on myself to the point where I am open to having a healthy intimate relationship with a partner and being more vulnerable. I know that I have a pure heart and love to share, but I won't lie that I've had the disempowering thought creep in "who wants to be in a relationship with someone that has a history of these issues when there are people that don't have this background?" and like I'm doomed to either attract toxic partners for the rest of my life or be alone.

I would love to hear your thoughts and especially if you found happiness on the other side of this I'd love to hear your story. Thanks in advance.

Hello! From I could remember I have always felt that I was never going to find anyone that will truly love me. My family is dysfunctional and mentally and emotionally abusive and manipulative. I did not have a healthy example of a good intimate relationship. I self harm through meaningless sex and drugs. I have set strong boundaries and distance from my parents whilst I have been going through intense treatment for my most recent trauma. Though I struggle daily to not the distance and pain rip me apart everyday, it has been a positive thing for me as it allowed me to make progress towards focusing completely on my mental health. The trauma itself has made me feel more incapable of being loved and developing a deep relationship with someone that I have interest in. The last man that I had been emotionally raw with f*cked me over; and I will never forgive him for abusing me emotionally and manipulating me. I have done my wrongs, and I have illnesses that affect my behavior that I struggle not to constantly shame myself for; it becomes hard to picture myself finding someone that can love me with all my flaws and eternal scars. All my sexual affairs I always avoided emotional intimacy I separated myself from pain from when I was waiting for them to reject me. Now I crave emotional and physical intimacy and I don't know what to do. I have never had an actual romantic relationship with someone and it sucks. I am in a place where I am working on myself but I cannot deny that desire. I relate so so so much on "Who wants to be in a relationship with someone that has a history of these issues when there are people that don't have this background?" Literally like you are doomed to misery in relationships and always being betrayed and left.

 

[RNrecovery]

I am on the other side. It took me awhile but I am here. I didn't take for most of my 20s because I wanted to work on myself. I grew up in an traumatic environment. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive. I spent a lot of years just feeling confident in friendships, doing well at work/school, and figuring out what my hobbies and interests where.

My friend long term relationship was a dud. I thought being in a relationship that didn't involved yelling, conflicts, or fighting was the pinnacle of success. Luckily I realized the error in my thinking. I found my wife in my mid 30s and started dating her in my late 30s. I have know her for ten years and been married for 5 years. I can't imagine having a better relationship. We have conflicts but we communicate really well so we never really "fight." We both have childhood issues but somehow we still fit. A big part of our success is that we are both introspective and independently motivate to keep being a better version of ourselves.

Keep working on yourself and your person will be there. I wouldn't trade any moments of strife in my younger years for what I have with her now. I feel the same butterflies when she walks in the door that I felt the first time I kissed her. I hope that for everyone.

 

[OliveJewel]

As far as "why would someone date me when they can date a sane person?" Everyone has their problems,

Some people might prefer to date those who are aware of and working on their problems rather than people who are unaware and not self-reflective?

 

[Rorster93]

Some people might prefer to date those who are aware of and working on their problems rather than people who are unaware and not self-reflective?

The point I was making was that it's not fair to compare yourself to others, especially those who have not had the same experience.

I was addressing this question "who wants to be in a relationship with someone that has a history of these issues when there are people that don't have this background?"

 

[OliveJewel]

it's not fair to compare yourself to others, especially those who have not had the same experience.

I agree. Comparing yourself to others, especially people without PTSD is generally unhelpful.

I was answering the question too, but from a different perspective. Wasn’t trying to negate your response, rather contribute to it.

I’m in the dating world and I have to believe that I have something to offer to a range of people, in spite of my PTSD. One of the things I tell myself, when that same thought (“Who wants to be in a relationship…”) comes in my head is to tell myself that facing my issues is a positive trait.

Sorry if it came across as oppositional. I think you made a good point.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's my understanding that the saying of not comparing one's insides to other's outsides refers to pre-assuming if their life looks easy, rosy and without issue it isn't necessarily.. (Just a thought). A great example is many comedians, who in reality struggle with or sucumb to depression, SI and trauma(s).

I don't think anyone goes looking for challenges, yet everyone has 'something'. I also wouldn't characterize yourself as 'not sane' if you are in touch with reality, albeit struggling with trauma's after-effects. Nor is one's family the person's fault. Nor does it doom them to being a facsimile.

I do feel that love is not something contrived, but neither can it truly be present without knowing someone, and that includes the gems as well as the faults. But to one person what is a negative to another it's a positive or neutral. FWIW, because no relationship is ever the same (the particular dyad makes it unique), being as healthy as you can be can better allow each person to be able to contribute more. But the relationship isn't a 'you' or 'me' it's a 'we'- what works best to nurture it and ideally both people. And helps each other to thrive or heal or grow. If people fall in love, work at remaining in love, communicate and are fundamentally a good fit and compatible that can go a long way. But also to be yourself. Because no point (really) not being genuine or how can you know if there is truth in it or not? If you are yourself, at least you will know who accepts (or likes, or loves, or prefers) it, or not.

(JMHO).

 

[couragetogrow]

I wouldn't trade any moments of strife in my younger years for what I have with her now. I feel the same butterflies when she walks in the door that I felt the first time I kissed her. I hope that for everyone.

This is so beautiful and gives me hope.

Now I crave emotional and physical intimacy and I don't know what to do. I have never had an actual romantic relationship with someone and it sucks. I am in a place where I am working on myself but I cannot deny that desire. I relate so so so much on "Who wants to be in a relationship with someone that has a history of these issues when there are people that don't have this background?" Literally like you are doomed to misery in relationships and always being betrayed and left.

I feel you girl. Claiming a loving and healthy relationship for both of us!