Feeling Like Sex Is Being Forced

[Manic11]

My boyfriend is a wonderful, very supportive man. He supports me in every way with my PTSD and OCD. Unfortunately, he's a very sexual person (of course he's a guy! LOL) and because I grew up being molested and then was raped, I'm just getting used to sex being a normal and pleasurable thing. This has taken a year for me to start believing but my boyfriend is having a hard time.
He is feeling very frustrated and doesn't want to be selfish but he feels he cannot continue with someone who cannot or does not want to have sex all the time. It doesn't have to be everyday but more than once a week or usually twice a month. This is already a lot to me!
It's coming to the point where he feels that he doesn't know if the relationship will last. I'm left feeling like again sex is being forced on me, just in a different way. It feels like if I don't just do it and pretend to enjoy it so he feels better then I'm going to lose him.
He's an amazing man and I love him with all my heart. I don't want to lose him but I don't know what to do about this...

Advice?

Thanks.
Manic

 

[Jawn]

I've been in his shoes and it does get very frustrating. However, if he truly loves you AND really understands how difficult it is for you he should back off. He needs to let you set the schedule. Tell him you talked to a guy that gets it about once a year and would love to have it twice per month! ;-) And this guy loves his wife, so he is still hanging in there. While sex is important to me, my overall relationship is much more important so I focus on that instead of lack of sex.

It's time for him to think about what really matters to him. If sex is the only reason he is in the relationship, that speaks volumes. I am sure you have tried talking to him already, but you probably need to have a real heart-to-heart talk and explain that when he pushes for more sex it makes it more difficult for you. Tell him to be patient and as you become more comfortable with sex you will increase the frequency.

Take what I say with a grain of salt and I hope it helps.

Jawn

 

[spero]

I don't have advice, but that is one of the reasons I am afraid to be in a relationship, and have never been.

 

[cherryblossom]

You might find the following book useful for both you. It's called 'A Sexual Healing Journey', by Wendy Maltz

Dead Link Removed

 

[ISupportHer]

I think it's all about you Manic. I mean that your needs, as with anyone who's suffered the trauma, come first.

Just a question though. If you feel you can say anyway. Are you being pressured and/or are feeling obligated to do something you don't want to do? I think that in a lot of relationships there are times when one partner is not "in the mood" but goes ahead. This takes on a new perspective, however, if that person has a history of sexual trauma.

And hey. he can still have sex! It will just have to be lonely for him! :wink:

ISH

 

[Aine]

I felt this way with every guy I've been in a long-term relationship with. Like, ISupportHer, I think that there are times where sex only happens because one person feels like it and the other just feels obligated. It would happen a lot with me and I'd feel awful afterwards. Dirty, almost like I'd been raped. It was awful. It took ages to realise that the problem wasn't with them. It was with me. I was too afraid to say "no". In the end, I bit the bullet and forced myself to be firm and say "no" and not feel obligated. We don't have the "luxury" of having sex when we don't really feel like it, so don't do anything you don't want to.
As the others said, make it clear that you have to go at your own pace and he can't rush you. If he really loves you, he'll stick around.

Love and Light,

Aine

 

[Lucycat]

Hi,
I know what you mean too. I want to want sex, but most of the time am just 'not in the mood'. I also find it hard when I do feel like it, but that feeling goes away too soon and I am left feeling like a tease, or going ahead with it , but just going through the motions. It is such a difficult situation. So hard to discuss. Hard to resolve.

My husband is a loving, lovable man. He has shown extreme patience but I still worry about when he will reach breaking point and think enough is enough?

 

[somerandomguy]

You might find the following book useful for both you. It's called 'A Sexual Healing Journey', by Wendy Maltz

I'm not sure if this is one of the books I have personal experience with, but I have a word of caution about many books like this one. While these books generally do a good job explaining and mapping out a program for the abuse survivor, from the partner's point of view they can be *very* frustrating. Many if not most of the books in this genre encourage placing a hold on any kind of sexual relationship while the survivor works on her (yes, her) issues. However, they do not map out a plan for returning to a healthy sexual relationship.

I have been on both sides of this issue (first as a partner, currently as a survivor). In my first role as a partner, because the book we were using told us to stop having sex, we stopped having sex. Unfortunately, the book never said, "OK, you should try to restart your sex lives again at some point," and so we never did. This led to a chasing scenario where I pushed for sex, it was interpreted by my partner as pressure, and so on continuously until our divorce.

I guess the question I would like survivors to consider (and I am not directing this at anyone in particular) is do you really WANT to eventually have a sexual life with your partner? In my life currently, the answer is yes. In my previous relationship, I am sure my partner would have said no. If the answer is no, do your partner a favor and let him or her go.

 

[cherryblossom]

Ok, the book that I recommended, I've never followed through and tried all her suggestions (basically because I've been single for 10+ years). I bought the book when I was a dating a guy, because I knew that I would have problems with the physical side of the relationship. I thought that alot of the advice in the book made good sense. It doesn't say stop having sex, never have sex again. It shows exercises to help you regain trust and touch, so that you can get to a point where sex feels loving and trusting again. I think this book does encourage a healthy sexual relationship.

To answer your questions

do you really WANT to eventually have a sexual life with your partner?

, then the answer is yes, but if my answer were a little hesitant, then perhaps it would be something we could work on, rather than walk away from.

 

[Marley]

Guys are naturally ... like this. But they do need to be toned down sometimes! Give him a strict no, sleep in a different room if you have to. He and you are two totally different people, so sometimes, he might have the urge, just put your hand to your face, the other one shunning him, just say no, tell him to go play video games read the Bible, whatever he enjoys doing that doesn't involve the sexual nature! You need space just as much as he does. But you deserve intimacy too.

I've read "The Five Love Languages," maybe that will be a good book for both of you to take a look at. Take the quiz at the end of the book first to determine which languages are your strongest and weakest, and maybe it will help him respond to you in a better way, and you to react to those responses. In good time, you might be able to say yes more than you say no. But saying no is very powerful ... the guy might hate it, but you just have to say "Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it!" He should get the clue.