Feeling Loss

I’ve been having a really hard time lately. For context, I have CPTSD and bipolar II and relationships- particularly when they end- are really hard for me. That’s especially true this month due to a major trauma anniversary and after going on a trip with family who I struggle to be around on a good day and who during this trip made it clear that I’m just extra baggage.

I have a friend who I thought was a really good friend, who I thought I built a pretty healthy relationship with. We have a lot in common and what we differ on gives us lots to talk about and such.

One of the core things in our friendship though is we bonded over a shared traumatic past and the journey to healing after that. We both have been suicidal over the years and just having hard times in the past and typically reach out to one another and talk things through.

Only things have evolved from that, and while I haven’t been suicidal in several months or more (neither has she), this past week I was. So I reached out to her. And she’s left me on read. She basically ghosted me and I haven’t heard from her in four days. That doesn’t sound like much but when we talk almost daily, the loss feels sharp.

I want to keep telling myself that it’s just that she’s busy, she has a full life and I don’t and that’s my problem, not hers. She has many close friends, I have her. Which again is a me problem and not hers. I have a really hard time making friends that go beyond just being friendly to each other. I want to keep telling myself that she doesn’t even realize I’m hurting.

But that thought makes it hurt worse. Like am I that forgettable? Am I that easy to move on from? Obviously I am. My family made that extremely clear this past couple weeks that I’m nothing more than a disgusting nuisance and they would have had a much more fun time if I hadn’t been there. Does she feel that same way too? Apparently.

Which makes me think, why do I even bother staying here? Not like anyone would notice I was gone.

I know all the different hotlines I could use, I’m in therapy. It just all feels useless when it’s not like my presence brings anything positive to anyone.
 

Friday

Moderator
Welcome… to the community. With many people exactly where you’re at, many farther / newer, and others in wildly different places; with different struggles/challenges, strengths/weaknesses. I can only hope it will be a useful thing to you, but I do hope it.

Friday
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
hello sherman. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

One of the core things in our friendship though is we bonded over a shared traumatic past and the journey to healing after that.

in my own herstory, trauma makes an unpredictable and unstable bond. for starters, trauma needs to heal. when the trauma heals, the bond heals, leaving the relationship ungrounded. for nexters, the desire to continue cherishing the relationship all too often nurtures/escalates the trauma injury rather than healing. inside my own strictly personals, i strongly believe this cycle is the heart and soul of my codependency cycles.

but that is me and every case is unique.
gentle support while you sort your own case. welcome aboard.
 
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