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Relationship Feeling lost and looking for guideance

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Jrabbit

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Hi, I am feeling lost, and any guidance would be greatly appreciated. I do apologize for the length.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend on/off for about a year and a half and we have known each other for 3 years. When I met him, he was dating someone else and I was in the process of getting divorced. However, it was an instant connection. The truth is I fell for him on day one. Our relationship has been moving at a turtle with a broken leg pace, and that's truly ok.

Last year we broke up and didn't speak for a few months. One of his best friends saw me struggling and confided that my love suffered from PTSD, and as much as he puts up a front, after Fallujah, he was broken. Recently, I have heard from another friend that my love has “really bad PTSD”. He has never come out and talked to me about his PTSD, in fact, he’s always put up the front that everything is FINE.

The biggest point of contention in our relationship has always been the massive amount of canceled dates. It has been why we’ve had an on/off relationship in the first place. When we first met, he would “forget” that we had plans and would say he had family obligations. Today, while he will message me the day before, he cancels all the time and it’s always due to family events. He hasn’t introduced me to his family yet, so this has also been hard for me. Because one would think that if you love someone, you'd want them to meet your family. Sometimes I struggle with the feeling he's ashamed of me on some level. While I see other PTSD-like symptoms, the canceling is the one thing I am not sure I can continue dealing with. He always feels awful afterward and I can tell it's hurting him.

When we are together, he is amazing! Loving, caring, attentive, sweet, funny. But as soon as he walks out that door, I feel like I lose him.

A couple of weeks ago after another canceled date, I hit my tipping point. I told him that until he could find balance in his life (work, family, me), we were over. I refuse to continue to be treated this way. A few days went by and he reached out not wanting things to end. I was clear if he wanted to be with me, things HAD to change. He has to take care of me the way I take care of him, be the man I know and love. He said he wanted to be with me and wanted things to change. But I am scared his words and actions will never align.

However, last night he briefly mentioned going to the VA for the next couple of days for evaluation/therapy. I was shocked. I tried asking questions but could tell he didn’t want to talk about it further. I don’t know if it has anything to do with me/us. He’s going that’s all that matters.

I love him with all my heart, he is it for me. But, I have to be able to depend on him to show up. I want so much for us but I'm scared 5 years is going to pass and we won’t move past this place. There's so much good in this man, he is my best friend, the love of my life and my home. Obviously, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to make this work. I just don’t know where to go from here. I can't do it all by myself.

Thank you for reading and listening to me.
 
Hi, I am feeling lost, and any guidance would be greatly appreciated. I do apologize for the length.

I...

My ex would do the same. I feel like he was never there when something was really important to me, and he forgot about plans we had made and when I’d get upset he would blame me in some way. Recently he told me he “didn’t WANT to spend time with me” and I think it was a way for him to push me out of his life again. And here I am again alone and confused. I’m glad yours is getting help; it’s a start and I hope he commits to it. Give him some time because it gets worse before it gets better. Mine refuses to get help and says he doesn’t have PTSD (and he was diagnosed by the VA 2 years ago). I’d love from afar and obviously support him, but taking care of your own needs is important too.
 
What kinds of date is he canceling? Spending time with you, or actually going out and doing stuff?[...
He cancels when we actually have plans to either go out to dinner, go to a movie, go get a glass a wine, etc. When it is just the two of us at my home, he is fine. However, in conversation, he will tell me that he will go do things by himself or he will go out to dinner with his parents and he always will go hang out with his cousin who is SEAL stationed about an hour away. But when it comes to me and him, that is where the struggle is. Which is why I feel likes it's me. He tells me it's not, but it's hard to believe that.
 
Relationships, partner type relationships, bring along a kind of stress seen in no other type of relationship. I'm not saying its YOU, I am saying that it is the stress brought on by this type of relationship.

If its been going on for 3 years, this type of behavior is not going to change overnight. It may take awhile to change.

And his behavior isn't all that unusual for someone with PTSD.

I have an on again/off again and my family doesn't even know he exists! We've been on again/off again for 8 years now and its a dynamic that isn't going to change anytime soon.
 
He cancels when we actually have plans to either go out to dinner, go to a movie, go get a glass a wine, etc.

My vet is total shit when it comes to social engagements or outings. He flakes and cancels all the time. He doesn't like crowds and public places... especially if he's not familiar with them or if the visibility is obscured. He may make the plans to go, and even look forward to going. But the closer it gets, the more he stresses about it. Eventually it gets to be too much and he cannot go. It's not that he doesn't want to go, it's that he's worked himself up into a state about going and made himself sick. Then he feels guilty for cancelling, which makes things worse. It's an ordeal. I fully expect him to cancel any time we make advanced plans.

This happens even with things he loves to do. Even things like starting road trips have been delayed a day or two while he settles down. He's cancelled massages because getting there stressed him out. It's very much part of his PTSD. He hates it.

Is he hanging out with his family (who he's known all his life) at home? Or in massively familiar places? His cousin (who he's known his whole life) who is still in the service (aka a familiar environment)? This is all a totally different than trying to function on a date in public.

I've been with my vet for years, and this is one of his "PTSD Things". We don't make plans ahead of time to do stuff. If he feels like going out, we go out that night. If I really want to do something that I know will freak him out, I go by myself or with other people. I KNOW he can't do weddings, concerts, crowds, amusement parks, touristy things. I'm OK going places by myself, and I'd rather not take him anyway if he's going to be stressed... that's zero fun for either of us.

I just went to a concert last week with my sister and two girlfriends, and I'm going to another next week with a group of friends. My kids and I have season passes to a nearby amusement park, and we go all the time. I wish I could enjoy stuff like that with him, and I know that pre-Iraq, he would have been all over it. That's just not how things are though. It is what it is. I don't have to miss out because he can't do things, and he doesn't have to feel guilty about "holding me back".

We spend time together doing things he can manage. He's not wild about movie theaters, but he can do drive ins. We cook together at home. Go fishing, go shooting, go off-roading. Think quiet, no stress, no people around. Those are the dates he can handle.
 
My vet is total shit when it comes to social engagements or outings. He flakes and cancels all the t...
@Sweetpea76 Thank you for sharing!! Your man sounds exactly like mine. And it does make me feel better to know I am not the only one out there trying to figure out how to deal with this situation. The more research I've been doing the more I am realizing my man's specific stressors are. I honestly just wish that he would open up to me and talk to me about things instead of making lame excuses. I feel like if I specifically bring up him having PTSD, it will backfire in my face. I just want him to know that I will understand, I will support him, no matter what. Did your vet tell you about his PTSD and what triggers he had or did you just figure out through all the ups/downs what was going on? Do your vet goes in waves with being social?

Part of my internal debate is how it will be possible for us to move forward when I can't get him out of my house. Clearly what I have been doing hasn't been working. So, maybe it will take time for him to feel like he can do more with me and I am not stressing him out all of the time. And I need to learn not to get defensive and take his actions personally.
 
But here's the rub... you can't fix it. He may never be able to go out and about to do things together with you. He has a mental disorder, and it's not going to go away. Sometimes things can get better for awhile, and sometimes things can get a lot worse. Nothing is guaranteed. The hard truth is that he has a disability. He cannot function like other people.

At this point in time you have to ask yourself if you can be happy being in the relationship of this was the best it was ever going to get. If socializing and going out are important to you, then you'll need it in a relationship in order to be happy. If not, and it's something you can work around, you have a bit of "sucking it up" and adapting to do. Love doesn't conquer all, that only happens in fairy tales.
 
My ex would do the same. I feel like he was never there when something was really important to me, and he...
@JM318 I am so sorry that your ex has pushed you away. That is incredibly rough and I am sorry you are feeling alone and confused. It is really hard because we love them so much and want the very best for them. You are totally right about not losing sight of our own needs and remembering to take care of our own needs to. I believe that can be easy to do when you care so much for someone. Thank you for writing and sharing your insight - patience, understanding and time are things I need to remind myself.
 
There is a great quote by Maya Angelou that goes something like, when a man shows you who is he is, believe him the first time.
I hope you find peace in this relationship but the only thing that stick out for me is anyone who is acutely dealing with PTSD should not drink at all.
Also you both met during a tumultuous in your life, short of saying, a time when probably some symptoms of PTSD was activated due to other relations problem. You two never got off on the right food. Maybe, and this is a big maybe, you are better off being there for each other and easing all intimacy and relationship expectations. This may help the dynamics and you can see a bit clearly where you are and where he is at this time in your lives.
 
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