In the pits for the past couple of days. Although nearly zero contact with my toxic mother, she managed to put me into some drama, lying about things I said (which I haven't spoken with her to say). I got a message from a family member, who I don't speak with regularly at all, upset with me and telling me I caused a lot of hurt...by things I never said/did. The day after that message, I get pics from toxic mother of the fam together w/"my beautiful family." I felt furious, but more than anything sad and depressed. I would do anything for a supportive, nurturing, safe mother. I literally wish I had a mother to help me through my mother sh*t. I feel broken right now. I know that she has her own mental issues and I get it, but there's grief here over not having this with someone. I don't want mothered by her ever. I don't want this fakeness. I wish it didn't still hurt. There is physical pain when I think on these things. And I hate myself for that.