Feeling Out Of Sorts - Bad Nightmares

[Monarch]

I am feeling a little out of sorts today, it isn't as bad as in the past but I had some bad nightmare's last night and woke up a little anxiety ridden. It has been off and on today, I took some breaks at work did the breathing and that is all going well. Honestly I have told myself that I won't consider suicide an option, I won't do that but those damn thoughts still come at me. Cutting has been my way of gaining control but I don't want to do that either and sometimes it gets hard, I can remember how it felt, how it took away the pain and how it didn't hurt until afterward. I still have that urge and I don't want to do it. How the hell do I get rid of the urge. I almost feel itchy over it like I need to scratch the inside of myself.

I know I am wierd.

 

[madjon]

grab an ice cube,
its a tough one to overcome, but it can be done, just remeber not to let yourself go back again to where you were, not much advice as im not at the best myself, but do take care

 

[Monarch]

thanks, I just have to chill out.

 

[nov_silence]

Don't get hung up on being "weird." This will only cause you to feel worse about what you are struggling with. It's so hard to give ourselves a break about the junk inside. I used to cut too but stopped bc I realized that no matter how much I cut or how deeply, the pain was still there... the ease was temporary and sometimes would just frustrate the hell out of me...

What are some things in your life you feel you have control over? It doesn't matter what it may be... you are capable of control... it's just harder sometimes than others. I am preachin... I just hear your frustration, you are not alone.

Keep reachin for the good stuff,

Nov

 

[zoe]

Monarch,

Your not weird and you don't need to "chill out". You need to accept that you have these feelings and that they will pass. The more you fight them the worse they get and the worse you feel and the more you want to hurt yourself. Those were not my words but the words of a friend who knows how angry I get at myself for having those feelings.

The truth is they do pass whether or not I cut or overdose (although it may not seem like it at the time) Personally, I'm not really fond of hospitals or looking at the scars on my body. So I try to take a break go to the bathroom, hold myself, cry, and refocus. I can go through this several times a day. It is really hard.

I wish you could feel the hug I'm sending you and know that you are not alone and that it will pass.

jmp

 

[Monarch]

I am doing better and I didn't cut, I dug my nails into my arm really hard just to get my own attention and maybe back off a little on myself. Everytime I think I am getting better about this stuff it comes back up.

cutting seems to be about control, I feel out of control and that will bring back the control. What are the things I have control over. I have control over me, i am the only one that can control me. But when I can't control that it all breaks down inside and I feel like I am suffocating.

You are right, these feelings will pass, it won't be that way forever. I took some breaks, reloaded and went back to work. It was just an off day and it passed and I didn't do anything I regret.

Thanks for the support!

 

[Marilyn_S]

Monarch! Awesome Job!!!!!!! If you were able to overcome your urges you did great. I so much can feel what you are going through. Just a little over a week ago I got a tatoo on my abdomen. It was for the sole purpose of helping me not to give in to cutting. It has somehow really helped me. It says in big red letters, "Image of God". A friend of mine told me that cutting was harmful to me because when I do it I am abusing myself just like my abusers. She said I'm treating myself like a piece of meat to be cut up. It really made me think. I am sending you a warm and gentle hug of comfort. I am here for you! If you just need to vent in private you can also PM me any time, OK!

LOVE & CARE
Marilyn S.

 

[Monarch]

never thought about it that way, abusing myself like my abusers, huh that is true, good way to look at it for sure.

Thanks for the hugs and everything, everyone is so good here, I wish it were that way all the time. I am not going to catch my therapist giving me a hug. LOL

 

[Audrey_Hepburn]

Hi,

Yes, I know those feelings/impulses very well.

BUT don't do it. I know it's hard but you have to deal with it later. I don't know how it is for you but it makes it worse in my case.

I understand exactly what you mean about wanting to scratch the inside of yourself. Many times I felt like I wanted to "take my skin off" if you know what I mean.

Keep posting, I've found that talking to people who udnerstand is invaluable : )

take care,
Audrey

 

[Audrey_Hepburn]

Hi Monarch

Hi,

Yes, I know those feelings/impulses very well.

BUT don't do it. I know it's hard but you have to deal with it later. I don't know how it is for you but it makes it worse in my case.

I understand exactly what you mean about wanting to scratch the inside of yourself. Many times I felt like I wanted to "take my skin off" if you know what I mean.

Keep posting, I've found that talking to people who udnerstand is invaluable : )

take care,
Audrey

 

[Monarch]

thanks Audrey, it does make it worse because then I beat myself up for giving into the cutting. I really don't want to do it. i am glad to find other people that understand what I am going through, it is very important to know we are not alone.