my T and I have been really working on how I feel about myself and how that impacts the way I go about daily life. I tend to use keeping very busy as a distraction - a way to avoid feeling anything and from dealing with those feelings. Slowly but surely we’re unpicking that defence mechanism to try and process my feelings about sexual exploitation as a teenager - my feelings are very confused and there’s a huge amount of shame around what happened. I’ve also started toying with reporting my abuser to the police, which would be a massive thing for me.
This week we got to really explore how I process emotions, and recognised that my emotions come from a very young place, which is covered up by me being very strong cognitively (hence any kind of CBT/DBT is pretty useless for me. I keep busy because sitting quietly, by myself, relaxing brings up all the feelings I keep boxed away. I’ve had a couple of days off that I’ve just taken to do nothing for a change, I was feeling a bit tender but after seeing my T all of the feelings I’ve been fending off have flooded back again, it was a very sore session but I felt ok pretty much leaving.
Anyway, I’m feeling very raw about it all now. Usually I can pack up my thoughts and feelings from one session to the next but that’s not happening today - I’m really tearful and just going through the motions to keep myself in check. Which hasn’t been me for a long time. It’s like we’ve taken a layer of skin off something and I feel physically, emotionally, psychologically pained - I could just curl up into a ball and let the world pass me by.
I’ve got in touch with T and arranged to see her but need to get from here to next week with my kids and work and life making demands on me that I don’t have headspace for. I’m more than pissed of that after this amount of work on myself PTSD and bloody therapy can still knock my on my arse.
Feel free to sympathise, empathise, point and laugh or get in the boat with me - it’s going to be a long weekend.
This week we got to really explore how I process emotions, and recognised that my emotions come from a very young place, which is covered up by me being very strong cognitively (hence any kind of CBT/DBT is pretty useless for me. I keep busy because sitting quietly, by myself, relaxing brings up all the feelings I keep boxed away. I’ve had a couple of days off that I’ve just taken to do nothing for a change, I was feeling a bit tender but after seeing my T all of the feelings I’ve been fending off have flooded back again, it was a very sore session but I felt ok pretty much leaving.
Anyway, I’m feeling very raw about it all now. Usually I can pack up my thoughts and feelings from one session to the next but that’s not happening today - I’m really tearful and just going through the motions to keep myself in check. Which hasn’t been me for a long time. It’s like we’ve taken a layer of skin off something and I feel physically, emotionally, psychologically pained - I could just curl up into a ball and let the world pass me by.
I’ve got in touch with T and arranged to see her but need to get from here to next week with my kids and work and life making demands on me that I don’t have headspace for. I’m more than pissed of that after this amount of work on myself PTSD and bloody therapy can still knock my on my arse.
Feel free to sympathise, empathise, point and laugh or get in the boat with me - it’s going to be a long weekend.