Feeling Really Depressed

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A lot of this has to do with Little (little side of me) coming out 2 weeks ago. Little just consumes me and takes over, I try to shove her away, back into the closet but she fights back. When Little gets really upset or angry I lose, and I don't know what she does, but I get hurt when she takes over. I'm scared because I think she puts us in unsafe situations and people might be hurting us, but I don't know. I had fresh bruises today when I went into my therapy appointment. T asked about them when we had like 5 minutes left and I didn't want to talk about it because I felt scared and ashamed. Plus Little started to get emotional and I knew if I let her come and cry then I wouldn't be ok when it was time to leave.

Little only ever feels angry, afraid, or intense sadness. All I can do is sit there and feel it. Being alone with your feelings is the worst thing in the world. There is nowhere you can run to, and there's nowhere you can hide. It's even worse when Little and I both feel the same thing because the intensity is jacked up, it feels unbearable, I feel very suicidal in those moments.

Could someone just please hit the pause button? Please just hit the pause button because I'm so scared. And I don't want to grow up and take on a world that is so much bigger than I had ever known before. I'm just a child. I feel like just a child now.

If I let myself hurt that way (cry), like the pain could get inside me, I would be dead. I would lose. I won't give them that. That's the thing about depression: a human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key. Sometimes it's so hard to see the end in sight, it makes getting up in the morning and going to work seem like impossible tasks.

All I want to do is numb the pain, lessen it, eliminate it entirely - if even it's only just for a little while. The only problem is numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.

T said something today that made me really sad. She said she brought up the bruises because she wanted me to know that she noticed and cares, and she wants Little to know she cares. She also made a comment on not judging me ever from the time I started seeing her, she just wanted me to know that she doesn't judge me at all. The comment about her caring, and her wanting Little to know she cares made me so sad. I think because it makes it more real. It makes Little more real by T acknowledging her existence.

I really need to talk to someone tonight. I'm hurting in ways I don't understand, in ways I don't know how to cope with yet. The crisis line isn't much help, I feel judged by them or pitied and I hate both feelings.
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