Relationship Feeling sad, alone, lost in a relationship with a combat veteran

KatKat

New Here
Hi all.
I met the man of my dreams in July last year whren he was stationed in my country. At first it was like a dream and he shared a lot of his experience with me. Has has been on three overseas missions and has been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety. He had other traumatic experiences during his youth and later on in life as well. We were very happy, he even reduced his meds, feeling so good. But then things went downhill with covid, his unit being not allowed to leave the camp etc. He got depressed again, started ignoring me. But we got through it.
In December he went back home. When we met, both of us were separated from our spouses. I got divorced in September and his divorce was set to take place in February. That never happened. He is terrified to go through with it, he is afraid of losing his daughters. And he is absolutely miserable, self-medicating with alcohol. He has tried to break it off with me a number of times but as I know he loves me and because he is the love of my life I have stuck with him, always telling him I am there to support him. He has come up with all kinds of not-true stories, hoping I will leave and make things "easy" for him. He ignored me for about a week at some point and seems to be doing the same now. He has promised he will fight for me and fill out this paper I need to go be with him (because of covid, the border to his country is otherwise closed but I could enter if he filled out this paper), yet he never fills it out. I haven't seen him since December... He hardly ever communicates with me anymore, sometimes, writing a few sentences at night about how much he misses me...
I don't know what to do anymore! I am willing to help him in any way he needs, I told him I am willing to relocate to his country to be with him... I feel so lost, so sad, disappointed, alone, terrified. We had planned a life together and now it is all slipping away so senselessly... How could I make him see that if he went through with his divorce (he doesn't love mhis wife and is only staying because of his kids and, of course, the fear of leavig his old life and starting a new one, he is absolutely miserable and devastated) and let me support him, be with him, everything would be okay. He told me he saw a therapist but I am not sure if that's true and I don't think he is seeing one now. He also said he joined the AA but...
I just love him with all my heart and all this is destroying me! All I want is to help him and support him.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
Unfortunately it sounds like the honeymoon phase of your relationship is over and you’re seeing the actual reality of his condition now.


How could I make him see that if he went through with his divorce (he doesn't love mhis wife and is only staying because of his kids and, of course, the fear of leavig his old life and starting a new one, he is absolutely miserable and devastated) and let me support him, be with him, everything would be okay.

There is no way of knowing that everything will be OK if he did all that. Love and support doesn’t fix PTSD.

This is one of the hardest parts of being a supporter. We can’t fix, we can’t help, we can’t cure. He has to go through treatment and work on this himself.
 

Friday

Moderator
I don't know what to do anymore! I am willing to help him in any way he needs, I told him I am willing to relocate to his country to be with him... I feel so lost, so sad, disappointed, alone, terrified. We had planned a life together and now it is all slipping away so senselessly...
Be willing to help yourself.

Live your life. Love your life.

Love doesn’t fix PTSD. The head over heels distraction of new love can temporarilly ease some of the symptoms, just like the rush and roar of danger can temporarilly relieve some of the symptoms. But unless he plans on spending the rest of his life hopping from bed to bed, exchanging one pair of arms for another? ((Which wouldn’t help your cause, as you’d just be the next woman he’s cheating on, who doesn’t reeeeally “love” him, according to him, as he finds ease in someone else’s bed.)) It’s not going to help.

He said he’d leave his wife. He didn’t.
He said he’d take you with him. He didn’t.

Just because YOU were honestly leaving your husband? Doesn’t mean that everyone else, or even most people, are being honest about leaving their spouses.

He lied to you.
He’s probably been lying to his wife.

I would write this bloke off as a rat bastard who cheats on his wife with other women, and give myself a good shake in the mirror. As I’ve just become all those women who is sleeping with other women’s husbands, believing they’re different. An easy trap to fall into, once. And resolve never to do it again.
 
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