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Feeling So Screwed Up Right Now - Going Back To Work Knowing I'm Not Ready

Discussion in 'Employment, Education & Disability' started by nurse1, May 19, 2007.

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  1. nurse1

    nurse1 Active Member

    I have always been a really hard working. I have never slowed down until PTSP slowed me down. I have had problems in the past. Even tried sucide
    when actually feelings hit. After being really numb for years. I had emotionally shut down from the age of 15 til 26. I thought showing no emotions was being strong. Not weak minded. . Started having nightmares of childhood. I could feel and that scared the shit out of me. So I tried to kill myself . I failed at the attempt so I patched my own self up and went on. No threapy nothing.

    37 now

    So there has been some bumps since then. But the past just keeps coming. I have taken some time off. I have also tranferred to a low stress job with my company. I will be making one third of what I was making before.

    But I am so scared because I really dont think I can handle work at all right now. I am a wreck.

    I have a great wonderful husband. I have never had anyone good to me in my life. My new car is paid for. House is almost paid for. Really there is no need of work other than insurance. But I have never depended on anyone. That scares me to depend on him. I worry about that. Even if there is no need to worry.

    I trust no one in that way. I learned that from childhood. Been taking care of self since 14.

    I freakin worring about everything. I should be happy. PTSD has me so screwed up. I sound like such a winy little B>>

    Why cant I just go on like a normal freakin person.

    Scared to go to work. I may break. And scared not to? :eek: :dontknow: :eek:
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    Work keeps many of our heads afloat. I never relied on others and was out since 15. I am still coming to terms of my husband taking care of me. I have and have needed it for years now. Sad part is we all hit a point we do need a hand. We have to accept it. It is hard but we must trust.

    You won't go on like a normal person as you are not, but you are normal for PTSD. You just be normal for you, not the Jones... I cannot help but I can relate.
  4. nurse1

    nurse1 Active Member

    Thanks for the comment.
    I am going back to work Monday and I was just in such a bad state yesterday. It does not take alot for me these days. Just was feeling really froggy. Now at least I am in threapy and seeking help for my problems. There will be no stress with this position. So hopefully it will be ok

    Thanks again
  5. Lisa

    Lisa Well-Known Member

    I just want to say I feel for you. I have somewhat been emotionally shut down when it comes to certain aspects and certain emotions for as long as I can remember. I fear it all coming at me at once, which makes me more scared to feel, and more determined not to let anything strong overtake me.

    Trust issues are also not new to me. But, as wisely pointed out, there comes a point where you just gotta let someone take over for a little. The alternative sounds more drastic than it needs to be.

    Having said that, working can sometimes help. Sometimes it can drastically hinder. Pressure on yourself is going to near guarantee failure. Take it a day at a time... you will soon know if it is not going the right for your health....

    Good luck, with work and also with the therapy.
  6. Rabbit

    Rabbit New Member

    I am the same. For years I avoided my childhood, family, places that reminded me until I had to go to back and BAMB i end up with PTSD. I had no idea I had it until I finally sought help 4/5 months later. I was scared I was becoming schizo seeing flasbacks constantly. I tried to work but it just made me worse until I ended up attempting suicide. I don't blame work tho I just couldn't cope with everything that happened at hte same time. I haven't been able to work now for nearly two years. I'm hoping that as I get better and stronger I can try voluntary work to get used to be around people and build up from there. I felt ashamed and guilty about not working at first but then i realised that my quality of life and mental state were more important so that I never try suicide ever again. Sometimes you just need time out.
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