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Feeling stuck in therapy

Discussion in 'Treatment & Therapy' started by ImSad, May 17, 2018 at 12:39 AM.

  1. ImSad

    ImSad New Member

    Hi! This might be a lot, so apologies in advance.
    I’m having a rough time with therapy and it’s got me feeling pretty frustrated. I’ve been in therapy before, back when I was in high school and didn’t really want to be in therapy, and again once or twice in college when I never stayed with a therapist longer than 2 or 3 sessions due to feeling judged. I guess I thought that it would be easier to open up this time around, seeing as I was practically desperate to get help when I found this therapist and eager to start the work.

    Unforunately, that hasn’t been the case so far. I’ve only been with this T for a little over 3 months now, so I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised that I don’t feel comfortable yet. I just feel like I’m all over the place. The first few sessions I had with this T I was pretty much a wreck — spent most of the sessions crying and being open to talking about past traumas. I opened up to her about a specific trauma and I shared way too much too soon and spent weeks enduring the backlash in my mind. Ever since then I feel like I’ve had almost no productive sessions — I spend most of them dissociated and blanked out, no tears or emotions, just trying to figure out how to open up.

    We started with EMDR therapy pretty much right away which caused a ton of flooding and therefore dissociation. We’ve since taken a step back and she actually apologized to my parts last session (we’re also doing some internal family systems work) for not picking up on the fact that I wasn’t actually ready to dive right into my trauma like I did. Last session I felt myself getting very frustrated with this parts work, but I think that’s because everything is still so blended so it can be difficult to take in the information when they’re all tangled up and shouting different things. Sometimes they’re calm when I’m on my own and I can start to see the value in ifs parts work.

    I guess I am just wondering where to go from here or how to feel more comfortable opening up in session. I always think of a ton of things to talk about during the week and then my mind is completely blank when I’m actually in session. I started to keep a list of things in my phone to talk about. I did that one session and she seemed to think it was a decent idea (I think?), but when I came in last session and handed her a piece of paper (she took notes last time so I figured I’d just have a physical copy for her), she paused things before reading it and warned me of sharing too much too soon because of the backlash I experienced prior. The whole time she was talking all I could think was “well now I want that piece of paper back”. What we did was go over it and mark things down as “safe” to talk about or “protected”. It was pretty much all safe material, besides one thing which I acknowledged I wasn’t ready to talk about yet but wanted her to know about, but by the time she read the list I was closed up again. She asked me to pick something to focus on and I couldn’t do it — my mind was blank and I was numb, and so we just had to spend the whole session dealing with that.

    I guess I’m just frustrated that during the week when I’m on my own I can think of all the things I want to say, and I can feel capable of working on them, but as soon as I show up to session I shut off completely. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with fear of judgement and being vulnerable, I’m just not sure how to work through it so that I can be open with my T.
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  3. Innordinate

    Innordinate Sarcasm is a way of life

    This still happens a lot to me. I don't open up easily, or ever really. Not face to face to people.

    Some people communicate better through texting and email. Me included, but that's never been an option with my t's.

    I started writing stuff down, then handing it (sometimes a novel really) to my t at the beginning of sessions. She could read it later, but it helped her direct sessions to important things.
  4. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

    I think it would be a good idea to share this with your therapist. She can help you work through it hopefully.
    Sietz likes this.
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