Feeling torn (trauma and self-hatred)

It has been almost 2 years since my last traumatic experience (and probably the worst one, though I don't know why I think that).

Still, I find it very hard to understand it and I don't know what to feel.

I have been told by others that it was clearly rape, that happened, but something inside of me refuses to see it that way. I never ever use that word and when I do have to write it down, like I just did, it takes me a while to write those four letters. My body's reaction to it makes me assume that it was in fact what caused most of my trauma symptoms (I get anxiety attacks when it is mentioned on tv or in a book, article, etc. or when somebody says the word) at the same time I think back to what happened and can't see why it should have been so traumatic.

Now this is where I feel completely torn: I know for a fact, that if someone else told me the exact same story, I would not doubt that it was rape and that it might have been traumatic at all. Yet, knowing that it's my story, I keep believing that it wasn't bad and there's no reason to make such a drama out of it. And the weird thing is, I am 100% conscious about the way I contradict myself, but I can't help it. It's like there's my brain that says one thing and then there's something inside of me, the belief, I think, that says the opposite. And this has been going on for almost two years now and it makes me feel completely torn. I know what multiple personalities are and I know what I experience is nothing like that, but there are two different parts of me that say opposite things and it's driving me crazy.

My brain tells me I should stop hating myself and stop the negative thoughts, but deep inside, I believe that it was my fault and that I was an idiot and have no right to feel sorry about myself. I always thought it would be the other way around, like your belief is who knows what is true and your brain blames yourself, but it happens to be the opposite. I mean I can change my thoughts, I can try to think positively, but that self-hatred and that negative belief is so deep inside of me, I don't know how to get rid of it.

Also I have no idea who I am or what I'm supposed to feel. I usually only feel fear or depression. Like if something minor saddens me, I can't just be sad. I spiral right down into a depression and tend to get drunk. And if I have to talk about something emotional, I start laughing. Like when I told my last therapist what happened and was like grinning the whole time and just shrugged it off. She said that it was not visible at all how I felt about it, but when I tried to name my feelings, I came up with nothing. I feel absolutely nothing.

There were many reasons for me throughout my life to shut down my emotions, even as a child, and I have been doing this for so long that I honestly don't know how to let them out again. I understand that my subconscious must be trying to protect me when I'm talking with someone, that's probably why I always laugh, but I tried to trigger myself when I was alone in my room, even with the help of alcohol; but it didn't work. It feels like I have been resisting my emotions so much that I put so much pressure onto them and now they became hard like a diamond. I don't know how to break them open and I'm afraid to do so.

I am writing this because I was hoping maybe somebody here could relate and found a way out of this - or something similar. I had to stop seeing a therapist after a couple of sessions because I can't afford it. My plan is to save up so I can start therapy again, but it will take a while, so in the meantime, I'm glad for every advice I can get here...
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
IME 2 years is still very very close / fresh to it.

And conflicting feelings about trauma are utterly normal.

If it were easy and straight forward, it wouldn't be trauma.

I found staying with the contradictions and letting them coexist, giving all of it space and air time in any means I'm comfortable, can do a lot for lessening the distress. Until I can tackle the core issues more in depth, or at all.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Excellent work you wrote it out beautifully. I know the feeling so well. It’s almost like longing. Looking right at a thing and knowing it’s not what you are feeling.

I don’t have any solution. But I really liked reading your post and smiling to myself thinking here is someone else who understands how I feel and what it’s like.

I have now been through many years of talking it out in therapy and knowing what’s going on. Knowing certainly helps. I’m still like this though I still go through what you are describing I just don’t hate myself as much anymore about it?

I was just writing earlier how it’s lonely. Thanks.
 

Wonder Woman

MyPTSD Pro
Hi, BlueBerry6999.

Much of your post I feel as though I could have written myself.

It sucks to realize you were raped, and to have to confront that reality is difficult. Especially, if you were raped by someone you had trusted, it can really do a number on your mind. Leaving you confused.

I'm glad you are able to begin accepting the truth.

It's understandable that your thoughts and beliefs are at odds. (I struggle with this, too - big time struggle for me.)

Often, when we have been stuffing our feelings for prolonged periods of time, it can be difficult to express them, even after we give ourselves permission. Be patient with yourself. Plus, it takes time to build trust within the context of any relationship. This includes therapy.

I don’t know if you keep a journal already, but if not, you might find it helpful. You can write about your thoughts, feelings, and begin to explore yourself through writing. Personally, I find writing very helpful in sorting-myself-out.

I have been where you are, unable to afford to receive consistent therapy. A local rape crisis center may be able to get you in touch with more affordable counseling.

If in the U.S., you can call Rainn at 1-800-656-HOPE that is
1-800-656-4673. You can call to talk with someone over the phone, or ask for some help connecting to local support groups, and individual therapy.

I send you warm thoughts of healing and inner peace. ?
 
Thank you for your responses! It's good to hear that what I'm experiencing is an actual thing that happens in these cases... I was thinking that I was doing this to myself somehow, by not responding the way I'm supposed to.
And thank you, Wonder Woman, for the tips... I do keep a diary, but I usually keep it shallow. I actually wrote in my last entry that I find it weird I can't even confide in my diary. Like part of me is always scared someone else might read it or something. Or watch me write in it and laugh about me. Which doesn't make any sense, I know that, but I often feel watched and then I feel embarrassed about writing certain things. I keep my diary on my computer and I have even considered to just delete certain entries. But luckily I was able to refrain from doing so. I know I can't erase the past by erasing what I wrote about it...
I'm not in the US, but I think we have a helpline like that here too. I always thought it must be for urgent situations, because they plastered the number all over the bridges in our town, to keep people from jumping. But maybe they offer help in other cases too...

I feel like these days, I have way too much time to think and that affects my mood. I'm sure it's the same for a lot of people here in this forum. Being locked at home with nothing but your thoughts is challenging.
 
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