The pandemic has been hard on everyone, for me it specifically brought out a lot of emotions and memories and abuse that I had repressed all my life. I am thankful those memories have finally come to fruition however the predicament it leaves me in is one of much confusion.
I transferred far away from home to go to college and I had to move back as a result of the quarantine. When I returned I discovered that my mother, who has been in chronic pain and is on disability, was misusing her medication and reached a state of psychosis.
My family and I were able to get her medication taken away from her, ie by calling her pain management doctors anonymously, and she brought them in by her own choosing. However she does not know our involvement and if she did she would most likely retaliate against us, more specifically me as I am the only one who has had a relationship with her as my sisters moved out to live with our father, so until she decides to come to us with the information about her addiction we have to act as if we don't know anything.
The problem I am having is deciding whether or not to stay or move back to where I go to college because while she is not acting high or in any means abusive to me like she was in my childhood and early adolescence, I find that I get triggered by her. Again in comparison to before she hasn't been abusive to me in the same ways and I feel that I can stay here with her because ultimately I do worry about her. She is the only family I've ever known, she is my support system and even though she abused me horrifically I love her. I don't forgive her and it will take work to be able to fully forgive her.
In a lot of ways I was her caretaker growing up, and so sometimes I cant assess if it is codependency that is preventing me from taking the initiative to leave or other factors relating to finances and the pandemic that make me hesitant to leave. I know that even if I did leave I would still feel the same way so it is not a fix to the problem, but maybe it would help me heal in ways I couldn't do living with her.
I just don't know what to do, I'm a strong person and I've been through hell and I've reflected so much and grown so much but maybe I only think I could handle staying when I actually can't. The way I feel fluctuates everyday but sometimes I think it is because I give too much weight to the negative thoughts and Im stuck in those past sensations of fear and pain and abandonment.
Ultimately I want to leave and have that independence again, but I feel like I can use my current circumstance to my advantage as well. No matter what I choose it is a double edged sword and neither decision feels right. Any advice would be greatly greatly welcomed.
I transferred far away from home to go to college and I had to move back as a result of the quarantine. When I returned I discovered that my mother, who has been in chronic pain and is on disability, was misusing her medication and reached a state of psychosis.
My family and I were able to get her medication taken away from her, ie by calling her pain management doctors anonymously, and she brought them in by her own choosing. However she does not know our involvement and if she did she would most likely retaliate against us, more specifically me as I am the only one who has had a relationship with her as my sisters moved out to live with our father, so until she decides to come to us with the information about her addiction we have to act as if we don't know anything.
The problem I am having is deciding whether or not to stay or move back to where I go to college because while she is not acting high or in any means abusive to me like she was in my childhood and early adolescence, I find that I get triggered by her. Again in comparison to before she hasn't been abusive to me in the same ways and I feel that I can stay here with her because ultimately I do worry about her. She is the only family I've ever known, she is my support system and even though she abused me horrifically I love her. I don't forgive her and it will take work to be able to fully forgive her.
In a lot of ways I was her caretaker growing up, and so sometimes I cant assess if it is codependency that is preventing me from taking the initiative to leave or other factors relating to finances and the pandemic that make me hesitant to leave. I know that even if I did leave I would still feel the same way so it is not a fix to the problem, but maybe it would help me heal in ways I couldn't do living with her.
I just don't know what to do, I'm a strong person and I've been through hell and I've reflected so much and grown so much but maybe I only think I could handle staying when I actually can't. The way I feel fluctuates everyday but sometimes I think it is because I give too much weight to the negative thoughts and Im stuck in those past sensations of fear and pain and abandonment.
Ultimately I want to leave and have that independence again, but I feel like I can use my current circumstance to my advantage as well. No matter what I choose it is a double edged sword and neither decision feels right. Any advice would be greatly greatly welcomed.