Feeling trapped in a life filled with ongoing adversity

[littleoc]

Hello, y'all, I hope you're well :) I wouldn't necessarily recommend reading this post if you're not lol, up to you obviously.

Anyway -- I was going to say something about this in my trauma diary or just keep it to myself. But decided I want extra feedback. This is a cognitive distortion of some kind, though it doesn't FEEL like one.

Just stalling because I feel embarrassed to be having "emo" thoughts.

I'm starting to worry that nothing will ever be okay ever again.

Context being, well, everything. I suppose it mainly started in 2016, where we all collectively had a bad year (it feels like) and then nothing got better and just kept getting worse. My best friend ("Bestie") and I joke that we can't wait for "things to stop happening," as in we get a little time to just sit and relax and have nothing go wrong for five minutes. Just five minutes of getting away from the chronic stresses of life.

But it's just been one thing after another for so long now. I feel like Job with everything going wrong, except obviously there isn't a humanlike god standing over me to test if I still love her lol -- I'm no bible figure. From starting out life in a rabbit cage, to being bullied constantly by parents, to getting trafficked, to having to be in that same neighborhood now with intense fear that I won't be able to move out again and that I'm being watched by the neighbors who participated in said abuses, etc. Things WERE going better, briefly, but I've been through more trauma trying to get away from this place, got diagnosed with a new disorder that has a high rate of homelessness, thought I was about to be trafficked again and ended up in a lawsuit with a corporation about it, now just lost a very important grandparent in a way that showed me that my relationship with her was heavily interfered with by my family making me keep secrets from her and trying to convince me she was secretly evil. And now she's just gone and I can't redo anything.

I'm genuinely worse off from when I started, which sounds dramatic, but it feels this way because I feel like most people have some kind of childhood to base things off of, to gain friends and support, and meanwhile I had. Just trauma after trauma. I'm in a country that couldn't care less about me and actively wants me dead; not an exaggeration, been getting sent videos of people decapitating Jews and raping trans men -- trying to just stay away from it but often when I'm triggered this way I end up seeking out similar content as some sort of? internal practice to help make sure I'm prepared for when I get murdered, if I don't kill myself first? I do find myself actively watching others' suicides in preparation for my own to avoid some of the fates I've been threatened with by kidnapper/pedophile and others.

I'm hearing other people live sheltered lives in college if they go, which my college career was heavily marked by having to go to the hospital several times due to being afraid of the world and also being out of the traumatic situations of home while getting brand new traumatic experiences.

I just feel like I can't get away from anything. Other people get head starts in life, or support for their singular traumas, and some people get to live a life that isn't dangerous, and meanwhile I'm just.... here. Couldn't even get a break in therapy. Got kicked out of one office for being disabled and my therapist retiring and forgetting to help me get another therapist. Long story short.

Are any of you getting breaks where things are "okay" enough? Or is the struggle of life just that all of us have one thing happen after another, become more vulnerable, and then get diagnosed with some kind of illness that kills us? I hate to ask it that way, I really view myself as a optimist, but it's been so difficult lately and most of my friends are dying and I'm struggling to make it to the next major stressors or trauma. Does that make sense/do I make sense? Really not sure I'm even wording this right -- just, will anything ever be okay again?

I'm genuinely worried this sounds self centered and dramatic but, like, anything good going on in your lives that you don't feel like you have to lie about to cheer other people up? Anything at all make you not feel like your just surviving one bad thing after another?

 

[littleoc]

mild update: drank some water after realizing im dehydrated from sleep 24 hrs, got a snack, listened to some good songs, and made fun of rutabagas. Now feeling a bit better

still feel everything in this post, but less extreme? gonna go pet a cat and consider showing this to my new therapist, idk. hopefully I get something stable in my life soon

 

[Sideways]

Anything at all make you not feel like your just surviving one bad thing after another?

The thing that springs immediately to mind is:

been getting sent videos of people decapitating Jews and raping trans men

Whoever the fk is sending you these videos? Tell them stop. If they don’t? They gotta go. I mean seriously, what kind of person sends you that shit??

Are any of you getting breaks where things are "okay" enough?

Yes.

But I’ll put a caveat on that: just because good things happen, doesn’t stop bad things happening. Both happen.

Spoiler: Gratitude journaling

There’s research on Gratitude Journalling about this. The old “write down 5 things you’re grateful for every day”. I started this exercise when I was going through a period of active suicidality - I was hospitalised for over a year at one point because I was so obviously going to top myself the second I got the chance. And instead of it being an ‘acute crisis’, it just went on and on and hospital essentially became my permanent residence.

There’s substance to it. I was (veeeeeerry) skeptical, but very open to trying shit, especially free shit with zero side effects. The neurology of it is it teaches our brain how to prioritise information differently, so that us folks with looooong histories of trauma can teach our brain to prioritise the good shit.

I did have to work my arse off for the good shit. Still do. And there’s still a load of not-good shit. But very definitely good stuff happens.

Some things you can’t control. And self compassion is vital for those things.

But learning how to notice, and appreciate, the very small good things, is (for me) what turn a small good thing into a good thing worth living for.

Depressive episodes are something else. My brain doesn’t have the neurological ability to appreciate good things when I’m depressed. Anhedonia. But depression is treatable. People recover from it. It comes and goes.

So you don’t quit. Because yes, good things will happen. To all of us. Just as surely as bad things will.

 

[littleoc]

Whoever the fk is sending you these videos? Tell them stop. If they don’t? They gotta go. I mean seriously, what kind of person sends you that shit??

Okay yeah that seems so obvious suddenly, maybe should avoid certain websites for a while

There’s research on Gratitude Journalling about this. The old “write down 5 things you’re grateful for every day”. I started this exercise when I was going through a period of active suicidality - I was hospitalised for over a year at one point because I was so obviously going to top myself the second I got the chance. And instead of it being an ‘acute crisis’, it just went on and on and hospital essentially became my permanent residence.

There’s substance to it. I was (veeeeeerry) skeptical, but very open to trying shit, especially free shit with zero side effects. The neurology of it is it teaches our brain how to prioritise information differently, so that us folks with looooong histories of trauma can teach our brain to prioritise the good shit.

Oh, right, I've been given this task to do every day and I totally forgot about it again. Thank you

Anhedonia

Thank you for this word

So you don’t quit. Because yes, good things will happen. To all of us. Just as surely as bad things will.

Thank you so much for this

 

[littleoc]

Three things I'm grateful for today/positives:

1. The rain sounds lovely
2. No thunder, but that means my traumatized service dog wasn't afraid of getting eaten by a tornado and therefore did not need her trazodone lol
3. I have frozen veggies I can eat
4. Bestie is willing to cut the rutabagas instead of me or my mom trying to do it
5. my 6 cats (oof) are all indoors, warm, and happy
6. I got to know my grandmother at all before she passed
7. Good music

Three times I felt safe today:

1. comfy in bed
2. right now, it's quiet and I'm also out of the cold rain, as are my critters
3. just now when I recognized i'm living in a "good moment"

Accomplishments/times I felt determined/etc:

• realizing a lot of my current mood may be related to grief on top of regular stressors, as well as housing concern since my grandmother owned the rental property I'm in right now
• reminding myself that "good" and "bad" are black and white and that i can have grey days
• making these lists instead of ruminating for too long

This does really work, feeling SO much calmer now, thank you thank you @Sideways

I think I may be enjoying a little depression episode right now, but hopefully things will get better soon.

 

[littleoc]

Great news, I remembered what I said above are all Symptoms of my Symptoms Syndrome.

As in, it's amazing that I would have symptoms of PTSD

I'm doing better again. I hate that I keep flip flopping like this but whatever. Gonna cook some pies and sides. Hope you have a good week

 

[littleoc]

This was me (if anyone relates):

 

[Friday]

Are any of you getting breaks where things are "okay" enough?

Not since 2011.

Sounds like you need cupcakes and sparklers since you’ve had good since, then.

Or? f*ck the hell off.

Or? Neither. IE fawk the bell off what “everyone else” has had… and fight for your own.

 

[littleoc]

Sounds like you need cupcakes and sparklers since you’ve had good since, then.

Haha, maybe. I'll send some your way and hopefully that'll be a good okay thing since 2011

 

[Friday]

Haha, maybe. I'll send some your way and hopefully that'll be a good okay thing since 2011

Please, don’t get me wrong… There’s a point when it’s been so long that a person is “so desperate for a win” it creates MAJOR (bold, italic, underlined) stress/danger/bad decisions.

I’ve been there. A few times. It is NOT an “oppression olympics event”.

It’s a very serious thing.

When you get knocked down too many times? It creates a kind of… madness.

You’ve been through hell.

You’ve survived.

But?

That ‘desperate for a win’ can f*ck you over.

It’s worth it …full stop, even though I’m going to keep talking…. To center yourself. Hard luck, bad luck, bad circumstance included. Desperation makes monsters of us all. When it’s been especially hard? Be especially true, to yourself.

No judgy little things attached. Be you. Even if the sparklers are elsewhere.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you

I'm still struggling with that "will things ever be okay again" feeling again tonight, even though logically I agree with all of you here. Emotionally, it's very hard to shake.

I suppose half of it is grief. I've lost a lot of family to cancer, suicide, and murder, so that's not new, but my grandmother was also my mom's (and my, if you ignore the part where legally speaking I'm homeless) landlord, and my biological father's step mom. And someone who I wanted to be talking to even more than I was -- she and I were close -- but my mom's issues caused her to need to control what I said to my grandmother. And now I have a lot of regrets.

It was the one big privilege I had, having a bio dad who grew up rich. Not that I ever saw a penny, more that it meant when he and/or my mom f*cked up, my grandparents could swoop in and save the day in big ways, like buying the foreclosed house we were living in.

I didn't like asking her for money and tried to avoid it where possible, and now she's gone, I miss her, and it's only JUST now occured to me that she really owns everything in my life.

When my mom had her heart attack and stroke and I suddenly had to foot 100% of the bills (thank goodness I was employed in a bad job and had student loans), that was stressful, but not as stressful as having to convince my mom to move out because she WASN'T actually entitled to living in the run down house forever.

I don't know. I guess tl;dr version is that I'm trying and failing to get somewhere in life and failing at literally every step of my goals in one way or another, and now I don't even have my support, who my mom practically forbade me to talk to openly about what was REALLY going on, so that's left me more uncertain than I've ever been in a long time? I guess?

And without any wins it just has started to feel like maybe I WILL lose all my animal friends and live on the streets?

I kinda liked my time being HOMELESS homeless in comparison I guess, but. I don't know, I'm just more and more disabled as time goes on and I'm not even 30. Thankfully will be soon. I hope that's a luckier decade with me. I got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (major depressive type) and was told that most people with this diagnosis are homeless, including when they are on disability, and I have shame about it because my mom forced me to keep it a secret out of shame, and despite trying to better myself everything seems to be getting harder and harder.

I don't want to invalidate my emotions or anything but it's very frustrating to not have the resources I need and potentially never even be offered. My service dog is 13 and can't do all her tasks anymore either, and my health has declined further since then, with me mainly being told to figure out how to live with her support because there are no other options.

I guess it just be like that sometimes, I don't know. Here's to hoping for stable housing for everyone here because that's kind of become a worldwide problem

 

[littleoc]

Wait, I made some sort of connection. I was in a great mood and was feeling really accomplished before visiting my family at my sister's. Did they stress me out? Or am I just overwhelmed overall? Is am I upset because I overworked myself maybe and haven't noticed? Or because the sun is down?