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Feeling you've never been loved

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Teasel

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I kind of want to ask others what they do with the sadness of never having been loved.

But at the same time I'm aware that that is a trapped feeling. What I mean is there was a time in my youth where there was no-one to turn to. No-one well disposed towards me even. I don't remember a single kind word from 11 till 15.

I do remember the sexual abuse, scapegoating by my family, bullying by kids at school and ostracism by everyone in our street.

It comes up over and over and over - something will trigger this feeling - feeling sad cause no one likes me. I guess I am re feeling how I felt then?

I don't know I get confused. I regularly feel like it's happening again. That no one likes me. I can feel that way even in the presence of someone being nice to me.

It's like the feeling makes me blind to current reality?

Really mixed up.

Any replies appreciated thanks
 
I think I understand.

I don't feel I was ever truly healthily loved, as I'm not sure any of the rest of my family ever was, either. They did the best they could with what they knew and had available, I suppose.

The days I feel those feelings rush in are the ones I have to kick my self-care efforts into turbo by first being able to recognize where the feelings are coming from in the first place, then by allowing those feelings to exist, but not attaching all of my energies to them. Invite them in, serve them tea, let them know you see them, feel them, innerstand them, but no longer allow them to take over all of your thought processes, as they can so easily do.

Sometimes I fail miserably at the process and can be thrown directly into a depressive ditch. Just when I think I fully understand how I will respond to something, my body shows me differently. It's an ongoing challenge in trying to be the love we never received.
 
I understand what you're saying. I think I did use to give the feelings a cupon tea, be overwhelmed by em, become depressed etc.

I'm on the cusp now, between that way of reacting, and the new way - self care, feeling the feelings without attaching etc.

Is this emotional flashbacks that I'm describing or if no what would you describe it as?
 
I don't know what they would technically or scientifically be referred to or labeled as. I just chalk them up to being part of my human experience based on the path I've taken, be it by choice or at the hands of others.

It's an overwhelmingly uncomfortable part of me that's still very much there, even though I'd certainly like for it to be gone for good.

I've learned that expecting discomforts to disappear isn't a realistic expectation and often causes me even more grief in hoping.

A healthy response vs. my typical default reaction is where the hardest work lies for me. That's where the breath work comes in so handy, I think. Having that brief moment of consciously taking a deep breath can offer just enough time to redirect an automatic default reaction.
 
The days I feel those feelings rush in are the ones I have to kick my self-care efforts into turbo by first being able to recognize where the feelings are coming from in the first place, then by allowing those feelings to exist, but not attaching all of my energies to them. Invite them in, serve them tea, let them know you see them, feel them, innerstand them, but no longer allow them to take over all of your thought processes, as they can so easily do.

A healthy response vs. my typical default reaction is where the hardest work lies for me. That's where the breath work comes in so handy, I think. Having that brief moment of consciously taking a deep breath can offer just enough time to redirect an automatic default reaction.

Yes! Liking this 100 times! Mindfulness, self-care, and self-compassion.

I remember being told I was loved by one very precious woman in my life. She was my step-father's sister. She used to take care of me sometimes and sometimes I'd get to go to her apartment. We'd take the bus and go on adventures. I didn't know it at time as was living in my damaged child's mind, but this was a very special relationship. I wish I had known it as she is now no longer with us, but at least I do have that memory to hold up against the other memories of neglect, abuse, alcoholism, bullying.....

Life has been a mixed bag with a lot of damaged people overseeing and impacting my life, now there is just me and I'm no picture of mental health so, I'm puttering along trying to learn how to love and care for myself, to change up belief systems, and to change some destructive behaviors in the present. It is very discouraging when I'm doing well (for me) and all of a sudden my mental steering wheel takes a drastic right turn, throwing me sideways into a ditch. I wonder if this will every stop. I guess that's when I grab the wheel and tell myself "One day at a time, girlie!" I have also learned to really derive the love I need to survive right now from God. He tells me who I am, that I am worthy, that I am loved, that I am forgiven and washed brand new..... It's what I've got to work with that I believe, unconditionally, so I'm holding tight to that robe. I may change from day to day, but He doesn't.

This is how I ground myself and quiet down the negative lies, voices, and images of the past. I think that might be what you're experiencing. If so, I can relate. It's very disorienting and scary. What do you do to ground yourself in the present? For me, it's constantly pulling myself back into the present that helps. The past holds nothing but pain and suffering for me. That will have to wait for examination until I am steadier. Don't know if any of this helped. I'm feeling clumsy with words today. Just know I can relate, if I didn't express that so well, and that I care. :hug:
 
Agreed, expecting it to go away is pointless.

And yes to the breath. Drop the story go to the body works.

Why do I have the feeling no one wants to hear about this. That rather I should go away and deal quietly. Why does it feel like there's a child stubbornly saying no I bloody won't go away and deal with it quietly.

And I get it that going away and dealing with it quietly ultimately is exactly what I shall do. I just don't want to be so bloody alone with this. I want some kind of mum creature.

I'm stuck wanting a mum.

Why does it seem like you can share the fact you are physically ill with people and they seem to care about that but with this stuff.

Ok ran put of steam.

I get that this is some kind of inner child something or other letting off steam and that I shall return to being an adult and shall deal with this.

I want to share this though. Not hide it.

And not directed at you @Tornadic Thoughts either
At the world sort of.

I have the feeling I've done wrong by writing this here. Or at least that others will think I have. I don't know
 
I have the feeling I've done wrong by writing this here. Or at least that others will think I have. I don't know

No ma'am. No wrong on your part. I sense you are hurting. I'm so very sorry. We all want to feel and be loved, and our moms are the logical ones to give this love. I didn't get it the way I needed it. No harm or foul on your part. I remember telling my last T that I was a 50+ year old woman with mommy issues. Sending some more of these for you. :hug::hug::hug:
 
It comes up over and over and over - something will trigger this feeling - feeling sad cause no one likes me. I guess I am re feeling how I felt then?

I don't know I get confused. I regularly feel like it's happening again. That no one likes me. I can feel that way even in the presence of someone being nice to me.

It's like the feeling makes me blind to current reality?

Definitely sounds like a flashback. It's amazing (in a :wtf: way) how the past can feel more real than the present, isn't it? And how things can layer from that as the past & present get mixed up / responding to the present as if it's the past / not being able to judge the present accurately as past stuff is overlaying it? :banghead:

***

Personally, I don't usually care if no one likes me. That's been situation normal for as long as I can remember (not being liked, to actively being disliked). I enjoy the hell out of it -usually- when people do like me, but it's not something I expect or require. ((Or as I told someone once in an interview; If I wanted to be liked I'd have become a veterinarian... or a firefighter.)) It took awhile to acquire that outlook, but I have to respect someone in order to care about their opinion, and there are very few people I respect. Certainly not "everyone". Worse/moreover? A pat on the head by someone I not only don't respect but outright dislike/disrespect? Is an insult. Something to feel sick over. Not a compliment, nor something to take pride in. So not only do I not care if I'm not liked, I also don't want to be liked by many people. That's a learned discretion, however.
 
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I feel ya' Theirs nothing like the feeling of being heard, held, and unconditionally loved. Many of us have been repeatedly told all of our lives, just as soon as we show any emotion, to just zip our lip and get on with life by the very same people we fully relied on for what we came to know and define as love.

It seems like so many have suffered greatly at the hands of the very people entrusted with being nurturing caregivers. It's like we have to pay people to listen to us and help sort our hearts out now because we've grown to feel no one else gives a damn/has time to listen/would even want to know/could handle it on top of their own issues/would hurt us if we say anything/would cause too many complicated ripples/etc. and would most likely just rather not be bothered, whether or not it's actually true. Our subconscious remains convinced by past experiences because that's all we've known.

Society pretty much says sorry 'bout your luck if you can't afford to pay for or jump through the correct hoops for the help they make available, while some of the most simplistic and sustainably helpful things aren't even recognized or acknowledged by the various entities that help us pay for things. Double, triple, and then quadruple whammies coming at us from all sides as we get stuck deeper and deeper in the trenches trying to find our way out.

The whole trust scene is totally wrecked for us because of the very nature of our experiences, so that's a huge endeavor within itself. A simple hug, foot rub, back rub, and/or a cuddle is something we can't just readily ask others for without a whole slew of expectations/fears/triggers/etc. attached and so many go for so long with no touch, other than their own, which sometimes simply means piling on even more pain and wounding as a way to cope and try to silence the feelings.

So many vicious cycles to try to navigate and find our ways through, with each path being as unique as the individual, yet we're all too often handed generic remedies with little else in the lines of meaningful support to complement it. It's no wonder we often question our own sanity. I tend to worry more about the ones who don't.

Grateful for spaces and conversations like this that bring suffering/healing/struggling/supporting minds and hearts together to learn what has and hasn't worked for each who feel led to share. Each discussion pays the chance for some healing forward, even if only offering a good example of what not to do, which is where most of my hard-learned wisdom was acquired.

I hope to see many more healers embrace the bartering scene sooner rather than later. Open sourced healing. Wouldn't that be great??!! Sharing skills/time/services/items rather than cash or insurance. I realize that's not likely happen on the medical/surgical/psychiatric scene so much, but the alternative/complementary fields have possibilities that I'd love to see more of them tap into. Maybe one of these days..... Thanks for starting the conversation.
 
I think that you were dealing with a flashback full of fresh emotion. You are a wonderful person and very caring so good for you. I like you just the way you are and do not be afraid to post here because people here understand your feelings and thoughts.

It takes time to heal from neglect. It does hurt so very much.
 
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