Feelings of bitterness towards new therapist

goosegoose

Learning
Apologies in advance if this has been discussed before, I searched to make sure but I could have easily missed.

So I'm not sure if this would count as a question or more of a discussion, but I've recently had to switch therapists. I was seeing Person A for almost 2 years when they decided to open their own practice outside of my insurance network. To put it gently, I was crushed because it was the first healthy role model in my life and I grew a pretty deep attachment (never verbalized). I found a new therapist who I felt comfortable with, Person B. As of writing this post, I've been going to session with Person B for about 6 months.

But here's where my question is - I still feel very bitter that I was forced to switch therapists. I know it wasn't anyone's fault, these things just happen and I can't ask someone to stay stagnant for my own benefit. But I feel so much bitterness towards Person B, because they aren't Person A and act/think/therapize differently. Bitterness because I didn't want to choose someone new, I had no choice. I like Person B's style and they make me feel challenged in session and I feel bad that I'm so closed off towards them and constantly throw up road blocks. I've never really spoken about how hurtful the experience was with Person A but I thought I had started to move on a little emotionally. But it's still so raw.

I have a really intense block towards crying in session. Could this defense mechanism be blocking me from crying over Person A in session with Person B? Is that even necessary for this situation? I don't know what to do. I feel so static in my progress and it's so irritating to my core.

Thanks to anyone reading this or considering replying

-goose
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
What's stopping you from saying all this to Person B?

Because everything you describe sounds pretty understandable. Totally understandable that you would miss Person A. That you might even be angry at Person A for leaving you like that. That you are then angry at Person B.
A good therapist is prob expecting this conversation.

What stopped you from verbalising your attachment to Person A with Person A? Because that's something to un pick too.
 

goosegoose

Learning
What's stopping you from saying all this to Person B?

Because everything you describe sounds pretty understandable. Totally understandable that you would miss Person A. That you might even be angry at Person A for leaving you like that. That you are then angry at Person B.
A good therapist is prob expecting this conversation.

What stopped you from verbalising your attachment to Person A with Person A? Because that's something to un pick too.
I thought I was stopping myself from saying all this to Person B due to trust issues, like "well maybe I just don't trust them enough yet." But I'm starting to consider that maybe it's really rooted in my fear of crying? But I don't know why I'm holding on to "don't cry in session" so tightly. It feels very aggressive when challenged and I shut down if I feel tears forming.

I guess I feel like it's just not understandable for me to feel these ways, like I'm crossing some kind of unspoken boundary. My fear of crying is what mainly stops me. But my gender also aligns with both Person A and B, as well as my sexual attraction. I've had to try to address internalized homophobia in the past, including people accusing me of acting predatory for things totally unrelated to my romantic feelings or actions. I think a lot of fear is also based in that I'll be labeled as something "bad" and cast out again. I understand rationally that neither Person A or B would ever think that of me but the scars run deep.

About what stopped me from saying all of this to Person A, I'm really not sure. A mix of the above paragraph and maybe anxiety that they would drop me if they thought the attachment was too much. Also, the same (general) trust issues that I have with Person B.
 

Sideways

Moderator
I thought I was stopping myself from saying all this to Person B due to trust issues, like "well maybe I just don't trust them enough yet." But I'm starting to consider that maybe it's really rooted in my fear of crying?
Genuine question - do you think it's trust issues (about them) or possibly shame (about me)?

By which I mean: I feel ashamed of feeling this bitterness towards B.
 

goosegoose

Learning
Genuine question - do you think it's trust issues (about them) or possibly shame (about me)?

By which I mean: I feel ashamed of feeling this bitterness towards B.
Definitely trust issues, but maybe a little of both. My mistrust is to the point where I can't even physically keep my eyes closed in session (if asked to do something meditative or visualize something, etc). My eyes pop back open like I'm on my 10th cup of espresso.

I do feel shame in general about myself, especially when I start getting into Fight mode. I feel bad when I'm snapping at them, acting defensively, picking apart their words, etc.

Trust issues: 75%
Shame (self): 25%
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Everything you say is all really understandable. And great to mull over with Person B.

I really get what you are saying.
Expressing all this makes you vulnerable. And there is the fear of the past happening again.
But imagine you tell all this to Person B and they don't behave like people in the past?

You might get a lot of relief in exploring this with Person B.

Crying: I hear you. Again, crying shows vulnerability. But there is also a lot of strength in showing that (says me who also struggles to do this!!).

You got this, you know. You sound really aware of your feelings and the barriers to expressing them. Sometimes we have to take a little leap of faith.....
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Therapy is your time to express anything psychologically or emotionally that your struggling with. So if I were you I'd just be honest with person B about what happened with person A and let it out. And by doing that it will give person B the chance to reassure you.
 
D

DonnaQuixote

Apologies in advance if this has been discussed before, I searched to make sure but I could have easily missed.

So I'm not sure if this would count as a question or more of a discussion, but I've recently had to switch therapists. I was seeing Person A for almost 2 years when they decided to open their own practice outside of my insurance network. To put it gently, I was crushed because it was the first healthy role model in my life and I grew a pretty deep attachment (never verbalized). I found a new therapist who I felt comfortable with, Person B. As of writing this post, I've been going to session with Person B for about 6 months.

But here's where my question is - I still feel very bitter that I was forced to switch therapists. I know it wasn't anyone's fault, these things just happen and I can't ask someone to stay stagnant for my own benefit. But I feel so much bitterness towards Person B, because they aren't Person A and act/think/therapize differently. Bitterness because I didn't want to choose someone new, I had no choice. I like Person B's style and they make me feel challenged in session and I feel bad that I'm so closed off towards them and constantly throw up road blocks. I've never really spoken about how hurtful the experience was with Person A but I thought I had started to move on a little emotionally. But it's still so raw.

I have a really intense block towards crying in session. Could this defense mechanism be blocking me from crying over Person A in session with Person B? Is that even necessary for this situation? I don't know what to do. I feel so static in my progress and it's so irritating to my core.

Thanks to anyone reading this or considering replying

-goose
I was just reading about transference and about how therapists are trained to deal with this, across the board. From what I understand, transference and countertransference can present as a big roadblock in therapy, and bringing it out into the open gives your therapist something to work with and can get the ball moving. I don't think you are betraying your old therapist or the new therapist, or the therapy process by being a human with these thoughts and I think it may give some insight to your therapist who can in turn provide insight for you....Maybe you could mention that you are having a hard time trusting and letting your guard down. Did you have ample notice before your old therapist departed?
 
Top