Feelings of inadequacy

JGTRG

Learning
I’m never spoken about this to anyone, so it will be interesting to see what others think.

I feel like I have to look perfect everyday. Perfect dressing, hair, make up etc.

I wear dresses everyday. Always make sure I’m very presentable. I don’t own a pair of jeans, as they make me feel ugly and like it’s not up to the standards of the dress, elegant style.

I have tried being more casual, less dressed up, but I feel so ugly and uncomfortable, I feel so inadequate. Yet, I would never say that about anyone else, just me. If I see someone casually dressed, jeans, T-shirt, etc, I am in awe, they look nice, comfortable - but I can


But at the moment, I feel horrible in absolutely everything I wear. No matter how lovely it looks, no matter what it is.

Basically if I don’t look good, perfect, all the time, I feel so inadequate.

It would be good to here others opinions on this as it’s the first time I’ve sought others opinions on it.
 

Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
@JGTRG

Can empathize with the deep feeling of being inadequate if I don’t look a certain way..
Not sure if this rings true to you? But I always felt/still feel that there is an attempt to control feelings.. if I don’t represent a certain look that I find ideal then I‘ll have to deal with wounded emotions, assumed rejection from the outer which reminds me of abandonment as a child ect. In having a certain look I feel I’m in the safer side.

This has reduced during the last few years with therapy, but I do have moments where I feel less worth if I don’t look a certain way. For me it’s less style or how my face looks, it’s wanting to look strong and muscular.

Just sharing.. wishing you a good Day
 
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Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Similar too.
Not just in looks but in behaviour as well.
Mine is a bit different to you in that I will wear jeans. But I will berate myself if I catch a glimpse of myself and think I don't look ok. And I will beat myself up about what I have said, how I interacted with people etc. Constant negativity.
For me I think it comes from my parents who are obsessed with how people look and behave and will ridicule them (they always comment on my and my sisters, and every one else's hair, weight, clothes, etc etc).

I try and be kind.
I don't judge people on their looks or their clothes, so why should I judge myself? I judge people on their character, and values.

My T said just this week that I don't need to carry my parents introjected messages as my own and I can let them go. That has really helped, and I am trying hard to give me positive counter messages to the negative ones.

I hope you find a way to be at peace with yourself.
 

Friday

Moderator
Yep.

Not in the same way... mine are far more hygiene & fitness related, than apparel, although that enters in as well, just differently.

I know where it comes from... it’s a combo of non-trauma & trauma-related things married to my own personality.

I’ve played around with it here & there (not shaving my legs perfectly/ letting my roots grow out, not using war paint, buying less than perfect clothes, etc.) , and I’ve come to the opinion that I not only DGAF where it came from, I strongly prefer it. So if I’m livin life to the hilt? I’m doing it the way I fawking love it.

Yes, it very much does create problems when I’m not able to live my life the way I love it. But c’est la vie.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
I had a problem like you with bodily hair. Unfortunately genetics has given me pretty hairy legs. I used to fight it relentless and going to the gym or swimming pool with others was simply a Nightmare.

Meanwhile, I've had several sexual partners and exactly none gave a single shit about hair. They liked my body as it is. I didn't. But I understood that it wasn't that that would make me "fit in".

It might be silly that it's in the eyes of others that I eventually came to peace with it. I don't look into feminine magazines as they make me feel bad. I aim to feel good in my body and avoid anything that makes me feel bad in it. I do struggle with weight control though. I don't like when I pass above a certain bar.

I don't like not feeling fit.

And I was struggling against myself a lot with this.

Until.

Until I heard this sentence.

"Instead of asking ourselves what a body is or how it looks, we can consider what a body can do." Judith Butler said this in an interview. Very simple sentence.

Then I told myself, actually is my body doing any better without hair? No. I still do not like the hair on my legs. But I figured out that I'm not obliged to adore every single part of my body.

What I reproach to body positive movements is that it celebrates beauty in everything, but still it's beauty, and most of what I see still is staged and very much in control. I found it more productive to find some comfort with ugliness or at least normalcy. To learn to live with imperfections and not try to make the imperfect perfect.

I prefer the gain of time I have by not thinking about hair growth,not feeling the discomfort of the hair growing back, and the pain of removing it. The time I spend thinking my hair is ugly is actually much less when I have it on than when I'm not having it.

So perhaps you could chose a moment where no one is watching you for a while and try to test jeans for a few days and feel how it sits without looking. No mirrors or anything. Just feeling your body moving. Better to chose a pair of trousers that is comfortable, sometimes jeans really can be tight especially if they're new. I do avoid most of them for that reason.
 

LiVeNoW

New Here
Feelings of inadequacy used to be a moto 9f mine. After modeling school, I had to look a certain way, then I was abused physically, sexually, and emotionally and over time, I felt like it didnt matter as much! My abuser, claimed, Ibwas his arm candy. I think in an effort, to no longer be percieved that way,I slowly let myself go. Then having a psychologically abusive exhusband alienate my children, I just gave up after a few MVA's. I just quit giving a shit and now post menopause, I regret that!

Why do we allow anyone to take up vacancy in our brains, and tell us how we should or should not dress. A body is a vehicle for the human spirit, it's beautiful, no matter its shape, its color, its age, it's so called disability. I feel way to much emphasis is based upon our exterior and alot more needs to be based upon the interior of our vehicle or human body. I feel getting in touch with my thoughts, how they run my day, or choose to run this body, is the answer to the best form of fashion I can have. I employ you, to see that inner beauty as well, because I CAN sEE it!
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
I used to wear high heels (and I am very tall already) to buy the milk!
I do not know what happened? Maybe I got married...ahaha and let myself go...but what I learned is when I used to do that...I always had a person in mind to be parroting for! could have been some invisible perfect species of men that I may ran into, the lady next door, I gotta look better than her...and I am so fine and should show it...none conscious at the time but probably underlying drives. Look at me I am something but really nothing inside....fill the void with enticement!

Many years later, I learned in therapy, seeking approval, love, recognition of my mother...gosh you kidding me here? why would I do that? am I that stupid? but again for a long time I was parroting, like a freaking peacock for a person I could not careless (did not even know about it)...but in reality, I felt I wanted to look good...what is wrong with looking good...well it was exhausting so I was not looking good, I was on the puppy mill of 2yrs old child looking to the busy and distant mother! Just thinking about it made me tired...I wish I had the language of calling it inadequacy...I just felt desperate and trapped on high heels.

In my book, you becoming of aware of this is priceless and the first step to dismantle the core issue for your particular background scheme.
 
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