Feelings of inadequacy


I’m never spoken about this to anyone, so it will be interesting to see what others think.

I feel like I have to look perfect everyday. Perfect dressing, hair, make up etc.

I wear dresses everyday. Always make sure I’m very presentable. I don’t own a pair of jeans, as they make me feel ugly and like it’s not up to the standards of the dress, elegant style.

I have tried being more casual, less dressed up, but I feel so ugly and uncomfortable, I feel so inadequate. Yet, I would never say that about anyone else, just me. If I see someone casually dressed, jeans, T-shirt, etc, I am in awe, they look nice, comfortable - but I can

But at the moment, I feel horrible in absolutely everything I wear. No matter how lovely it looks, no matter what it is.

Basically if I don’t look good, perfect, all the time, I feel so inadequate.

It would be good to here others opinions on this as it’s the first time I’ve sought others opinions on it.

Rani G2


Can empathize with the deep feeling of being inadequate if I don’t look a certain way..
Not sure if this rings true to you? But I always felt/still feel that there is an attempt to control feelings.. if I don’t represent a certain look that I find ideal then I‘ll have to deal with wounded emotions, assumed rejection from the outer which reminds me of abandonment as a child ect. In having a certain look I feel I’m in the safer side.

This has reduced during the last few years with therapy, but I do have moments where I feel less worth if I don’t look a certain way. For me it’s less style or how my face looks, it’s wanting to look strong and muscular.

Just sharing.. wishing you a good Day
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Similar too.
Not just in looks but in behaviour as well.
Mine is a bit different to you in that I will wear jeans. But I will berate myself if I catch a glimpse of myself and think I don't look ok. And I will beat myself up about what I have said, how I interacted with people etc. Constant negativity.
For me I think it comes from my parents who are obsessed with how people look and behave and will ridicule them (they always comment on my and my sisters, and every one else's hair, weight, clothes, etc etc).

I try and be kind.
I don't judge people on their looks or their clothes, so why should I judge myself? I judge people on their character, and values.

My T said just this week that I don't need to carry my parents introjected messages as my own and I can let them go. That has really helped, and I am trying hard to give me positive counter messages to the negative ones.

I hope you find a way to be at peace with yourself.



Not in the same way... mine are far more hygiene & fitness related, than apparel, although that enters in as well, just differently.

I know where it comes from... it’s a combo of non-trauma & trauma-related things married to my own personality.

I’ve played around with it here & there (not shaving my legs perfectly/ letting my roots grow out, not using war paint, buying less than perfect clothes, etc.) , and I’ve come to the opinion that I not only DGAF where it came from, I strongly prefer it. So if I’m livin life to the hilt? I’m doing it the way I fawking love it.

Yes, it very much does create problems when I’m not able to live my life the way I love it. But c’est la vie.


I had a problem like you with bodily hair. Unfortunately genetics has given me pretty hairy legs. I used to fight it relentless and going to the gym or swimming pool with others was simply a Nightmare.

Meanwhile, I've had several sexual partners and exactly none gave a single shit about hair. They liked my body as it is. I didn't. But I understood that it wasn't that that would make me "fit in".

It might be silly that it's in the eyes of others that I eventually came to peace with it. I don't look into feminine magazines as they make me feel bad. I aim to feel good in my body and avoid anything that makes me feel bad in it. I do struggle with weight control though. I don't like when I pass above a certain bar.

I don't like not feeling fit.

And I was struggling against myself a lot with this.


Until I heard this sentence.

"Instead of asking ourselves what a body is or how it looks, we can consider what a body can do." Judith Butler said this in an interview. Very simple sentence.

Then I told myself, actually is my body doing any better without hair? No. I still do not like the hair on my legs. But I figured out that I'm not obliged to adore every single part of my body.

What I reproach to body positive movements is that it celebrates beauty in everything, but still it's beauty, and most of what I see still is staged and very much in control. I found it more productive to find some comfort with ugliness or at least normalcy. To learn to live with imperfections and not try to make the imperfect perfect.

I prefer the gain of time I have by not thinking about hair growth,not feeling the discomfort of the hair growing back, and the pain of removing it. The time I spend thinking my hair is ugly is actually much less when I have it on than when I'm not having it.

So perhaps you could chose a moment where no one is watching you for a while and try to test jeans for a few days and feel how it sits without looking. No mirrors or anything. Just feeling your body moving. Better to chose a pair of trousers that is comfortable, sometimes jeans really can be tight especially if they're new. I do avoid most of them for that reason.