I guess I have a hard time with feelings and PTSD and am still trying to figure mine out which I know is what most of us with PTSD do. So my PTSD was caused by abusive parents as well as growing up in a strict religious cult that does not allow it's followers to become friends with anyone outside it and if you do or decide to leave the cult, you will be shunned. Anyways, that cult helped me to believe in God and rely on him to survive my childhood and when I became a teen, I devoted my life to God by becoming an active member of the religion and thought I was happy because I had meaning in my life and was saving people's lives. I felt good about myself despite growing up abused and despite being diagnosed with PTSD. So, because that cult is strict about dating treating it's members like immature teenagers no matter what age they are dating, I found myself single at a later age and it was embarrassing to me but I was also waiting for "the one". And as long as I was serving God, I was fine. So getting to the feelings part: I was facing an unrequited love by telling myself to stop thinking about this person and move on and just continue to put faith in God and He will provide. This made me feel at peace and feel fine about moving on. But then I had this realization that no matter what I had gone through, my entire life, I was always positive about it and relying on God and moving forward and continuing to be happily serving Him. In this moment, I wanted to have feelings so I pushed all my positive thoughts away and then tried to mentally push God away by thinking some awful thoughts on purpose. And then I started thinking negatively. I did all this so I could have feelings but of course none of this worked. I just felt numb and at this point I thought something must be terribly wrong with me. Like what the hell is my problem? It was as if I was trying to manufacture feelings. This whole thing started a process of me sabotaging myself and my life. Years later, now I am in a much better place and am also out of the cult. Yay! But I am also trying to figure out what caused me to react to unrequited love and where I was at in my life, in such a way. I also know it has something to do with being a normal human being with feelings but I didn't realise that trying to be a good and positive person can lead to self-sabotage.