Fell way off the wagon last couple of weeks.

[FauxLiz]

Just over a week ago things were going well. Then I had my weekly session with my T and we were talking about feeling as though we had processed through my primary trauma and it would be good to begin processing one of my next two significant traumas which we had thought would not be as dysregulating.

Big surprise, following just the mention of the names associated with those traumas I have spent the last 8 days on a roller coaster ride of depression, food restricting, struggling to fight off self-harm urges, suicidal ideation and flirting with trauma re-enactment.

In our session yesterday we agreed to slow down, not address those topics while I get things under control but after the severe reaction to the mere mention of the individuals I don't know how it will be possible to attempt to process the events and maintain the level of functionality necessary to do my job and stay safe.

So my question to anyone reading this, have you experienced a similar reaction and do you think it is possible to process these events in an outpatient once a week therapy setting?

 

[Freida]

Yep
Been there. Done that. After 5 years I still can't say names.

We had to slow down to micro moments - 5 or so minutes at a time. Anymore than that and poof! Freida goes to lala land. Especially when I was still having to go to work afterwards.

So we pick a small thing - like opening the door and what happened in the 3 or 4 minutes after that. And we sometimes stay there for weeks before I amr ready to move to the next 5 minutes. My brain doesn't always cooperate so sometimes I bounce from trauma to trauma....but always work on just a few minutes. That way I can leave without being totally dissociated

 

[piratelady]

I had the same problem. We have been talking about my reactions to the traumatic event, why it happened, stuff like that, rather than the specifics of what happened. He says he thinks of it like skirting around the edge working our way in. I’ll be honest, it feels like it’s been forever! But I will say, I finally feel like I might be able to talk about what happened. And even without talking about what happened, I already feel a lot better about it.

 

[FauxLiz]

I reached out to my T this morning asking if we could schedule another session (I have a work commitment that caused me to cancel next week's session but he is booked. He will check with me if he gets a cancelation.

The worst thing is even with the slow down agreement I indulged in trauma re-enactment and was so disgusted with myself that then I self harmed which began this guilt and shame cycle. I really wish I could just forget all of my past and never deal with this again.

 

[piratelady]

I’m sorry. I wish I had some advice on how to cope with all of this. When I was in a similar boat my therapist just suggested I use positive distractions. Like if there is a hobby or activity you enjoy. Try to fill up more of your time with those things until you an get back into therapy to process what’s going on. I don’t know if that’s any help for you or not.

 

[FauxLiz]

@piratelady I am trying to stick to positive distractions have been working 12-14 hour days to stay away from home but as last night shows I still fail sometimes.

 

[piratelady]

Don’t think of it as a failure. You had a setback, they happen. It’s ok. You’re going to get through this. Are there other things you can do at home in the evening? Like drawing, baking, cleaning, home improvement, playing a game, exercise of some sort? Anything you enjoy?

 

[Mach123]

Yes but it’s extremely difficult. I don’t think there is any other way. I was fortunate in the very beginning and I was doing therapy of one kind or another 3 or 4 times a week which was very helpful because I was having crazy mood swings and just a total inability to talk about what we had uncovered namely, cptsd from csa. Then it took years to approach it and start finally dealing with it. There were many times though when I felt so strongly that once weekly outpatient just wasn’t enough to accomplish anything but it did and it does I think, if you get with the right therapist. I hope you feel better.

 

[FauxLiz]

@piratelady i have started trying to exercise more but my fear is that I won’t regulate that either and as history shows push to far and injury myself

@Mach123 i had been doing really well for over a year, controlling my unhealthy coping mechanisms making progress we even believe we had processed my foundational trauma so how is it the two incidents that happened over a decade later have done more to dysregulate me than I have been in a while

 

[FauxLiz]

I am really struggling today. I had a last minute session with T yesterday that really didn't help much. I don't know if this is just temporary burnout due to stress from my job or the beginning of another major downward spiral similar to what I had in 2017 that led to three hospitalizations in the first 5 months of 2018. This time of year is always particularly difficult on me I just feel frozen, unable to function or even care about anything. I finished my holiday gift shopping last week because I wanted it done and to not have to consider trying to do anything like that, I don't want to visit my family for any of the holidays and if I could figure out a way to disappear right now I would, just drop off the face of the earth. I know this is not a healthy situation for me.

 

[piratelady]

I’m sorry @FauxLiz. How did you cope during this period last year?

 

[FauxLiz]

@piratelady this time last year I took a three week vacation/digital detox and didn't respond to email or phone calls and left the state so that I wasn't accessible or tempted to just drop by work. That isn't an option this year as my job heavily intersects with the US election and there is no chance of more than a day at a time off between now and the Christmas holidays