somerandomguy
Sponsor
My DV situation was 15 years ago and I am now long out of that situation, so I don't even know if I should be posting here. To be perfectly honest, most of why I'm posting is so that if other male DV survivors ever come to the boards in the future, they'll be able to see that it happened to someone else. It's difficult to talk about for anyone, but unfortunately moreso for men.
Before I started posting on myPTSD this time around, I never even considered what I went through to be DV. But people here set me straight, and the more I learn about DV, the more I understand that yes, what happened to me was domestic violence - intimate partner violence.
My abuser started with emotional abuse. She called me the abuser, which I've since learned is a common abuse tactic. She also started to control my life. I walked around on eggshells - the classic description - and had to read her mind to anticipate all of her needs in advance. If I had my own wants or desires or guessed wrong about what she wanted, the result would be further emotional abuse designed to destroy any self-esteem I had. It worked.
From what I gather, female abusers use emotional abuse as frequently as physical abuse. That doesn't mean the abuse isn't devastating or destructive. I almost lost my current marriage thanks to all the cognitive distortions I have that are based on the things that she told me during the abuse - that I was a horrible person, that I was an abuser, and that I was a rapist. I have never raped or abused anyone, but many days I still label myself this way.
In my case, she went from emotional abuse and gradaually started sexually abusing me as well. What's most difficult for me to accept is that I asked for it and said that I wanted it. I have been slowly learning that just because I said those things (primarily because it was the only kind of sex or intimacy we had) it doesn't excuse her from abusing me and doesn't mean that I was complicit in my abuse. It's been a really, really hard lesson for me to wrap my brain around. I still struggle a lot with this.
When I read the stories of the people who have escaped their abusers, I marvel at their inner strength. I was never able to get free. She left me, which emotionally devastated me even more. I wandered around in a daze for almost a decade and had a lot of unhealthy realtionships. I didn't have any substance abuse issues, which I understand a lot of men do, but I kept replicating the abuse in my head. I constantly put myself down, like she had done. I was obsessed with certain sexual acts - the ones she'd done to me.
At some point after marrying my current wife, I was diagnosed with PTSD. It's been a long slog to get here now and realize the extent of the damage and finally get serious about healing. But better late than never.
Because most of the DV victims and survivors on this DV board are women, as a man I don't feel comfortable commenting at all on your threads. I don't know if I have anything helpful to say, and I'm worried about triggering you. Even if I am silent, please realize I am standing in solidarity with you.
And if there are any other male DV victims or survivors reading this - now or sometime in the future - please know that you're not alone.
Before I started posting on myPTSD this time around, I never even considered what I went through to be DV. But people here set me straight, and the more I learn about DV, the more I understand that yes, what happened to me was domestic violence - intimate partner violence.
My abuser started with emotional abuse. She called me the abuser, which I've since learned is a common abuse tactic. She also started to control my life. I walked around on eggshells - the classic description - and had to read her mind to anticipate all of her needs in advance. If I had my own wants or desires or guessed wrong about what she wanted, the result would be further emotional abuse designed to destroy any self-esteem I had. It worked.
From what I gather, female abusers use emotional abuse as frequently as physical abuse. That doesn't mean the abuse isn't devastating or destructive. I almost lost my current marriage thanks to all the cognitive distortions I have that are based on the things that she told me during the abuse - that I was a horrible person, that I was an abuser, and that I was a rapist. I have never raped or abused anyone, but many days I still label myself this way.
In my case, she went from emotional abuse and gradaually started sexually abusing me as well. What's most difficult for me to accept is that I asked for it and said that I wanted it. I have been slowly learning that just because I said those things (primarily because it was the only kind of sex or intimacy we had) it doesn't excuse her from abusing me and doesn't mean that I was complicit in my abuse. It's been a really, really hard lesson for me to wrap my brain around. I still struggle a lot with this.
When I read the stories of the people who have escaped their abusers, I marvel at their inner strength. I was never able to get free. She left me, which emotionally devastated me even more. I wandered around in a daze for almost a decade and had a lot of unhealthy realtionships. I didn't have any substance abuse issues, which I understand a lot of men do, but I kept replicating the abuse in my head. I constantly put myself down, like she had done. I was obsessed with certain sexual acts - the ones she'd done to me.
At some point after marrying my current wife, I was diagnosed with PTSD. It's been a long slog to get here now and realize the extent of the damage and finally get serious about healing. But better late than never.
Because most of the DV victims and survivors on this DV board are women, as a man I don't feel comfortable commenting at all on your threads. I don't know if I have anything helpful to say, and I'm worried about triggering you. Even if I am silent, please realize I am standing in solidarity with you.
And if there are any other male DV victims or survivors reading this - now or sometime in the future - please know that you're not alone.
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