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Dom Violence Female abuser, male victim

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My DV situation was 15 years ago and I am now long out of that situation, so I don't even know if I should be posting here. To be perfectly honest, most of why I'm posting is so that if other male DV survivors ever come to the boards in the future, they'll be able to see that it happened to someone else. It's difficult to talk about for anyone, but unfortunately moreso for men.

Before I started posting on myPTSD this time around, I never even considered what I went through to be DV. But people here set me straight, and the more I learn about DV, the more I understand that yes, what happened to me was domestic violence - intimate partner violence.

My abuser started with emotional abuse. She called me the abuser, which I've since learned is a common abuse tactic. She also started to control my life. I walked around on eggshells - the classic description - and had to read her mind to anticipate all of her needs in advance. If I had my own wants or desires or guessed wrong about what she wanted, the result would be further emotional abuse designed to destroy any self-esteem I had. It worked.

From what I gather, female abusers use emotional abuse as frequently as physical abuse. That doesn't mean the abuse isn't devastating or destructive. I almost lost my current marriage thanks to all the cognitive distortions I have that are based on the things that she told me during the abuse - that I was a horrible person, that I was an abuser, and that I was a rapist. I have never raped or abused anyone, but many days I still label myself this way.

In my case, she went from emotional abuse and gradaually started sexually abusing me as well. What's most difficult for me to accept is that I asked for it and said that I wanted it. I have been slowly learning that just because I said those things (primarily because it was the only kind of sex or intimacy we had) it doesn't excuse her from abusing me and doesn't mean that I was complicit in my abuse. It's been a really, really hard lesson for me to wrap my brain around. I still struggle a lot with this.

When I read the stories of the people who have escaped their abusers, I marvel at their inner strength. I was never able to get free. She left me, which emotionally devastated me even more. I wandered around in a daze for almost a decade and had a lot of unhealthy realtionships. I didn't have any substance abuse issues, which I understand a lot of men do, but I kept replicating the abuse in my head. I constantly put myself down, like she had done. I was obsessed with certain sexual acts - the ones she'd done to me.

At some point after marrying my current wife, I was diagnosed with PTSD. It's been a long slog to get here now and realize the extent of the damage and finally get serious about healing. But better late than never.

Because most of the DV victims and survivors on this DV board are women, as a man I don't feel comfortable commenting at all on your threads. I don't know if I have anything helpful to say, and I'm worried about triggering you. Even if I am silent, please realize I am standing in solidarity with you.

And if there are any other male DV victims or survivors reading this - now or sometime in the future - please know that you're not alone.
 
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I marvel at their inner strength.
I marvel at your inner strength @somerandomguy . You have been through something truly awful and are here now using your experience to bring awareness to something that desperately needs it, and to help others who may have been in similar situations.

Please don't feel uncomfortable commenting on posts.
I (female) was also in an abusive relationship, and relate strongly to many parts of your abuse story (aside from the gender reversal, of course).
She called me the abuser
Particularly this. This happened to me, but I've never known that it has happened to others also. Thank you for making me feel a little less isolated.
I got out with the help of Women's refuge. I know of no male equivalent in my country. Your voice is very much needed, and you have every right to post here.
 
Mine (male ex) use to say I was the abuser too. Crappy brainwashing. It's the pits.:hilarious::hungover::sorry:

My mum groomed me for the abuse though:unsure:such a number to do to someone.:arghh;

That's a lot to come back from.

Glad you are teling your story @somerandomguy. You are a courageous man.

Abuse is not gendered, in my experience, and yes I've been witness and subject to "toxic femininity" all my life.

Feeling for you, bro :eek::sick::hug:
 
So, my partner was emotional abused, physically abused, scapegoated and stolen from by a female teacher/school principal as a small boy.

His first long term girlfriend, who he lived with from 18 until 25, was stabbed to death by a woman in a nightclub.

His next two relationships involved him being physically and emotionally abused, his children were and are also abused by these women.

One of these has also assaulted me.

Both of them physically attacked him, called the police, lied, and had him charged with the crimes they themselves are guilty of.

The first of these relationships had him severely beaten, around the head. So badly that he wasn't treated on admission to the hospital, they treated two other men who they thought had a better chance before him, who both died.

He couldn't speak, read, remember or write for some time after. The woman involved had stolen off the man responsible (who brought henchmen and my guy didn't fight back, he didn't want to hurt the guys).

Even though my guy couldn't talk, she had sex with him after he got out of the hospital (I'm not sure it was really consent, he had a fresh and severe brain injury) she got pregnant, and has been torturing him emotionally through this shared parenthood ever since.

She still sends abusive texts on a regular basis.

That son has now cut ties with his mother.

She had broken my partner's nose, while he was driving and nearly decapitated him with a shovel, and so much more.

He's never got any support from any DV "support" services, or legal services or police, only blame and shaming and accusations of being the perp rather than the victim.

He has a record now, as a "wife beater" although he never lifted a finger against any women ever!

I've been with him for 8 years and he is a gentle, kind and honest man.

This woman has also assaulted me, punching me in the face.

Anyway, my point it, male victims have been an invisible and underrepresented minority for far too long, in my experience.

Thanks for speaking up @somerandomguy .

You are one of my hero's, it takes huuuuge courage to speak out about being a male victim, the current political climate is particularly hostile towards this group from many, many quarters, at the moment and for some time now.

I can't abide the sexism and other isms involved, myself.
 
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