Childhood Female child victim with female abuser - anyone else?

LeiaFlower

Learning
I have a lot of suppressed memories in regards to my childhood. Some of which involved abuse. However, when I went searching for support I couldn’t find much of anything in regards to what I’m going through. I was wondering if there was anyone who, as a child, was abused by the same sex? I’ve seen a lot in regards to male abusers with the same sex, and even female abusers with male victims. But very few in regards to a female abuser with a female child victim. I know I’m not alone, though it feels like it’ll be harder for others to believe if I disclose. I don’t even know how to approach this topic with my female therapist. I’m scared of what she’ll think of me.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I wasn't sexually abused by a female, but my mum was inappropriate with my body in a way that made me feel like she owned my body (and I think this is what groomed me for the sexual abuse I experienced, because I was already compliant and felt like other's had a right to my body because of my mum).
So I may not exactly know what you went through.

I can relate to your feeling worried about what your T will think of you because I relate to that in how I blamed myself for what happened. And if we blame ourselves, we think there is something intrinsically bad and malfunctioned about ourselves. And the shame is all ours. And the responsibility. So of course telling someone means that they will judge us.
But that is not a truth. That is a truth we told ourselves as children to survive what was happening.

You T will not judge you because there is absolutely nothing at all to judge you on.
What happened to you was wrong. What that person did to you was wrong. Nothing you did was wrong.
It might feel very removed hearing this, but hope you can hear it a little.

There are also many ways to tell T. You don't have to say everything. You can start with saying you have something to say or memories from the past but it's hard to tell her. She can explore around the subject with you until you feel as ok as possible to say what you need to.
My T is always saying I don't need to say the details for her to connect to the story and for the therapy to work.
Sometimes saying the details derails me because I get overwhelmed with the emotions. Talking around it is easier as it allows for emotional containment and then the processing.

In the meantime: great that you found this forum. And whilst our experiences on this forum are all different, we all recognise various thoughts and feelings. And it really helps to explore these things in the way you are doing.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
gentle empathy, leia. it's a toughie to talk about. i am decades into my psychotherapy and still lack words for this very phenom, even in pro therapy sessions.

i have yet to be able to benefit from any of the sexual trauma groups for this very reason. proof unavailable, but as a child prostitute, it is quite possible i was abused by more females than males. madams, recruiters, etc., are a vicious breed. they can and do hide easily behind the prevailing cultural stigma. in the sexual trauma support groups, fellow group members routinely triggered flashbacks and defended those prevailing stigmas rigorously.

then we get to "the janes. . ." culture wide, there are many who cannot even comprehend of female prostitute clients in the 60's. surprise! ! !
 

LeiaFlower

Learning
There are also many ways to tell T. You don't have to say everything. You can start with saying you have something to say or memories from the past but it's hard to tell her. She can explore around the subject with you until you feel as ok as possible to say what you need to.

Yeah, I will have to take your advice in regards to saying what I’m comfortable with. I am still in the beginning stages, I only have memories of how I acted after the abuse but nothing of the actual abuse. I spent a lot of time over the woman’s house, at times more than my own, yet I have no memory of anything that happened when I was there. I have the accounts of siblings who mentioned she was possessive and chose me as her “favorite” but since I usually spent times by myself with her I doubt they witnessed any abuse. The only people who would know ’if’ something happened is myself and her. Though I have a tendency, even recently, to block memories that’s too much to deal with. In therapy I’m usually focusing on the after effects of the abuse instead of the actual memory of it. I think once my mind realize I can handle things, and it doesn’t have to protect me by forgetting then it’ll be easier to brace when those memories do come back. A part of me is hoping that I’m simply making things up, or reading too into things. Though another part is hoping that my knowing for certain I can understand why I’m so messed up now

“gentle empathy, leia. it's a toughie to talk about. i am decades into my psychotherapy and still lack words for this very phenom, even in pro therapy sessions.

i have yet to be able to benefit from any of the sexual trauma groups for this very reason. proof unavailable, but as a child prostitute, it is quite possible i was abused by more females than males. madams, recruiters, etc., are a vicious breed. they can and do hide easily behind the prevailing cultural stigma. in the sexual trauma support groups, fellow group members routinely triggered flashbacks and defended those prevailing stigmas rigorously.”
I agree, the stigma around female abusers is the main reason for my hesitance. People have this idea that being female automatically make you nurturing, and loving. They can’t wrap their minds around the idea that some woman can be just as brutal as their male counterparts. When do agree they diminish the abuse by saying “at least she was gentle” as if that helps with emotional, psychological scars. I haven’t told anyone that I believe my main abuser was female. I want to bring it up, but like you as well as another user mentioned, it is very hard to approach a situation with shame. I did have a nightmare recently about the person trying to hurt me. I was going to bring it up, though when I do hint at an abuser I usually use gender neutral words. There‘s so many negative thoughts that come up with just the idea of mentioning the person’s sex.
 
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arfie

MyPTSD Pro
When do agree they diminish the abuse by saying “at least she was gentle” as if that helps with emotional, psychological scars.

1) gentle? they don't know the elder sibling i call, "pimp sis." gentle is not in her repertoire, not even when she's hiding behind the sugar and spice stigma. her portrayal of the poor little victim stereotypes is hollywood league.

2) my own repressed memories are extremely vulnerable to gas-lighting. agree or disagree, power of suggestion is more powerful with emerging memories than in normal human nature. for sure, it doesn't even come close to helping with the psychic scars, much less the still infected wounds.
 

LeiaFlower

Learning
1) gentle? they don't know the elder sibling i call, "pimp sis." gentle is not in her repertoire, not even when she's hiding behind the sugar and spice stigma. her portrayal of the poor little victim stereotypes is Hollywood league.

2) my own repressed memories are extremely vulnerable to gas-lighting. agree or disagree, power of suggestion is more powerful with emerging memories than in normal human nature. for sure, it doesn't even come close to helping with the psychic scars, much less the still infected wounds.
I gaslight myself when it comes to my memories, which is probably why they rarely want to come out. I usually assume that I'm lying for attention; that I'm being dramatic; that I'm reading too into things. Even though the evidence is building tremendously that this person was not how the presented themselves to be. I don't know if I will ever be 100% certain, but I at least want to work on what I am certain about. Gaslighting sucks and definitely causes scars.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
i, too, self-gaslight to epic proportions. memory checks are part of my daily inventory, just so that i can know how reliably my memory circuits are working today. i like to keep my memory checks light hearted. what year did that movie come out? am i remembering the lyrics of that song right or painting yet another moustache yet another mona lisa? it's okay when i discover the circuits are skewed --AGAIN. keep the lists and humility handy. i did write out that list, didn't i?

but i feel my emerging memories more like a fog bank. it doesn't take much opining wind or movement to reshape the clouds of a fog bank. once the opining starts, pro or con, i back off and let the fog settle. the self-gaslighting seems to happen more often on stuff i am confident i **know**.
 
H

Hun

Hi,
I was sexually abused multiple times by a friend of mine at the time. Sorry to read multiple people have been through this. Unpacking 10 years later what happened to me when I was 11-12, which was that a female friend who was 2 years older made me go down on her and finger her multiple times. I had no idea what I was doing and it was absolutely not sexual to me, but it was to her. She was quite manipulative, so I already knew I would lose her as a friend or other things if I didn’t do it, and I was very confused. I feel bad about the incidents and I also feel bad for her. Hope you all get help and have someone to talk to.
 
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