I recently been wanting to show affection to my female friend. I’m a girl but I know I’m not gay nor bisexual. I have no sexual attraction for women. I think it’s due to our relationship getting closer and recently I got super drunk, but she protected me. Growing up protection was rare and so was niceness for free. I think my mind believes that I owe my friend sexually for her continuous kindness towards me. Or it wants her to reveal her true colors. That this niceness comes with strings of having to do things I’m not comfortable nor wanting. I wish I had a therapist still to discuss this with. Because I’ve been laying on her more, being closer, trying to ‘accidentally’ cause her arousal so she can hurt me. I’m gross, I know this already. I feel alone. And it’s frustrating that I just want her to hurt me already to get it over with so I know for sure no one will ever want me without wanting something in return. I’m also confused if I should tell her. If so how?