Female Friend - Wanting to show her affection. Wanting her to hurt me. Confused if I should tell her?

LeiaFlower

Confident
I recently been wanting to show affection to my female friend. I’m a girl but I know I’m not gay nor bisexual. I have no sexual attraction for women. I think it’s due to our relationship getting closer and recently I got super drunk, but she protected me. Growing up protection was rare and so was niceness for free. I think my mind believes that I owe my friend sexually for her continuous kindness towards me. Or it wants her to reveal her true colors. That this niceness comes with strings of having to do things I’m not comfortable nor wanting. I wish I had a therapist still to discuss this with. Because I’ve been laying on her more, being closer, trying to ‘accidentally’ cause her arousal so she can hurt me. I’m gross, I know this already. I feel alone. And it’s frustrating that I just want her to hurt me already to get it over with so I know for sure no one will ever want me without wanting something in return. I’m also confused if I should tell her. If so how?
 

Sideways

Moderator
I’m also confused if I should tell her. If so how?
What would you want her to do with the information? That's my rough guide about telling people personal stuff - it gives me an idea about whether to tell them, and also how to tell them.

But if I can't answer that question? If there's nothing helpful they can do with it? I usually work through it elsewhere.

It's very easy to continue replaying toxic dynamics in our relationships when that's what we've become accustomed to. But if you'd like this to be a new type of relationship, one that has appropriate, healthy, respectful boundaries? Maybe try and model that, even though it may fee unnatural at first.

I personally find that journalling is a good way to work through issues like this in the absence of a T.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
when i crossed this line in my own recovery, i worked the psycho snot knot from two main angles.

1) the confusion between love and sex. in my childhood conditioning, they were one and the same with tons of reinforcement from society at large. many of my perps were female and my mother was a pimp. girl howdy, that line was convoluted for me.

2) the hypervigilance which had me convinced that anything good came with strings attached to soul-deep hurts on the way. this caused me to self-sabotage relationships to get it over with, already. rejecting before i could be rejected was my lifelong business-as-usual.

i did tell a few of the people (both genders) whom i experienced this confusion with and the telling might have been one of the more healing moves of my recovery. which people i told depended entirely upon how easy they were to talk to about it. we treated it like casual conversation. no big planning drama. it just happened.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
I have this problem too sometimes though it’s gotten better. My T said it’s normal and expected to happen in some people who go through csa. If you know that it stems from those old patterns then it might not be helpful to tell your friend, and rather something for you to examine within yourself. Telling your friend might be re-enacting the rejection cycle that you’ve come to expect. There’s a book called “The Sexual Healing Journey” which has lots of exercises to help you re-connect with your own sexuality.
 

LeiaFlower

Confident
What would you want her to do with the information?
I think the best plan of action is to explain to her how I feel about niceness and feeling like I owe others. I think it'll hurt our relationship more if I bring in the sexual aspect. I do want to dive into it personally and see what I can find through personal research to help during my therapist's absence. Or maybe this is something to ask my EMDR therapist for our first session today. Regardless, it seems like a bad idea to tell her and it'll make things awkward. Though when the feeling kept up this morning, that I owe her, I have been continuously reminding myself that she's my friend and I can trust her not to hurt me.
when i crossed this line in my own recovery, i worked the psycho snot knot from two main angles.

1) the confusion between love and sex. in my childhood conditioning, they were one and the same with tons of reinforcement from society at large. many of my perps were female and my mother was a pimp. girl howdy, that line was convoluted for me.

2) the hypervigilance which had me convinced that anything good came with strings attached to soul-deep hurts on the way. this caused me to self-sabotage relationships to get it over with, already. rejecting before i could be rejected was my lifelong business-as-usual.

i did tell a few of the people (both genders) whom i experienced this confusion with and the telling might have been one of the more healing moves of my recovery. which people i told depended entirely upon how easy they were to talk to about it. we treated it like casual conversation. no big planning drama. it just happened.

I relate to the confusion between love and sex. I see sex as a bad thing that's used to control someone. While love comes with strings and obligations. Maybe this was conditioned by my parents or another external relationship, but without memories, I'm sort of stuck in knowing for sure. My memories of my past, in regards to sexual abuse (any abuse really) that specifically happened to me, are mostly repressed. Even though I know of weird covert behaviors from a family friend, I don't remember anything from my time with her.

I think the cons outweigh the pros of telling my friend everything. I don't want her to be scared or disgusted with me. Nor do I want to stop hanging out or limit affection. It makes me feel safe when I get a hug or lie on/next to her.
I have this problem too sometimes though it’s gotten better. My T said it’s normal and expected to happen in some people who go through csa. If you know that it stems from those old patterns then it might not be helpful to tell your friend, and rather something for you to examine within yourself. Telling your friend might be re-enacting the rejection cycle that you’ve come to expect. There’s a book called “The Sexual Healing Journey” which has lots of exercises to help you re-connect with your own sexuality.
It doesn't feel normal, but I guess that's a distortion. Though I recently found out she struggled with using masturbation as a self-harm tool like myself. It made me feel less shameful that someone I know can relate to it. I'll look into the book :)

Thanks for the advice. Everyone really helped unmuddle my vision. Talking through this helped me collect my thoughts more than I could with journaling. So, thank you
 

caroline_13

MyPTSD Pro
I also have the tendency to recreate old patterns (this is not CSA specific): specifically with holding on too tight and controlling. Then, I would find myself in these friendships, and dating relationships, where I would follow someone's lead (as with my controlling parents) and we would also have horrible fights/I'd have moments where I again felt like I was a worm in human skin, not deserving of my own personhood.

I was recreating these scenes/relationships of codependence.

I didn't understand how you could love or care deeply about someone without that clingy/overthinking behavior.

My path toward accepting, and loving, being single is that it's okay to feel lonely and I can do things by myself. I also have certain interests where I know I will get to hang out with good people (mostly women) at my gym, where the atmosphere is building each other up and not toxic.

It's okay to not attach myself to someone at the hip. Or, to have to "share" things to be close to someone.

I've perpetuated this pattern so many times... codependency so many times. I felt a lot of frustration with therapists over them just not getting how ingrained it was into me.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
I see sex as a bad thing that's used to control someone. While love comes with strings and obligations.
Resonates strongly with me. Oddly, I see my *self* as the one trying to control others with sex so I’m afraid to engage in any way that leads in that direction. But I also see myself as vulnerable to narcissists who might lovebomb me so I’m vigilant about that. 😵‍💫
how you could love or care deeply about someone without that clingy/overthinking behavior.
Still working on this, but have made some progress.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
Maybe this was conditioned by my parents or another external relationship

my external relationship with the 21st century has me feeling VERY conditioned to confuse love and sex.
have you read any romance novels, listened to ladies hour gossip, watched prime time tv or read any social media threads lately?

even one night stands are called, "making love." if that can be mistaken for love, we are in some pretty deep doo doo.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
my external relationship with the 21st century has me feeling VERY conditioned to confuse love and sex.
😝 so true!!! Yet thinking like this—doesn’t it make you feel helpless? How do you counter? I understand that people counter with religion, which I’m not a huge fan of because that seems to introduce a whole suite of other problems, for me at least.
 

LeiaFlower

Confident
I also have the tendency to recreate old patterns (this is not CSA specific): specifically with holding on too tight and controlling.
I didn't understand how you could love or care deeply about someone without that clingy/overthinking behavior.

I can do things by myself.
I felt a lot of frustration with therapists over them just not getting how ingrained it was into me.
I’m relate to the dependency. My attachment follows a disorganized love hate push away but wanting affection, so this makes relationships harder for me. It takes ages for me to trust people and even when I start to my mind tries to convince me that they’re dangerous. I didn’t understand how one can easily trust without doubt that the relationship isn’t real. I’m on the middle of the spectrum in regards to clinging on. And completely understand the frustration of not being understood by others.

Learning to do things myself is still difficult for me despite doing it on some occasions.
Resonates strongly with me. Oddly, I see my *self* as the one trying to control others with sex so I’m afraid to engage in any way that leads in that direction. But I also see myself as vulnerable to narcissists who might lovebomb me so I’m vigilant about that. 😵‍💫

Still working on this, but have made some progress.
Making progress is a good motivator.
my external relationship with the 21st century has me feeling VERY conditioned to confuse love and sex.
have you read any romance novels, listened to ladies hour gossip, watched prime time tv or read any social media threads lately?

even one night stands are called, "making love." if that can be mistaken for love, we are in some pretty deep doo doo.
This distortion is something I’m trying to get rid of. I agree popular media doesn’t help with feeding distortions about sex and love.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
so true!!! Yet thinking like this—doesn’t it make you feel helpless? How do you counter?

awareness is my primary countering agent. awareness that i am reacting is sufficient to insert thoughts of my own.

This distortion is something I’m trying to get rid of. I agree popular media doesn’t help with feeding distortions about sex and love.

i don't expect to get rid of this distortion any more than i expect to get rid of my least favorite fashion trends or political parties.
i don't expect to get rid of roaches, ants, ticks, mosquitoes, or coronaviruses, either. life's just full of irritations.
joyful living is possible, even with the irritations.
i go for serene acceptance.
 

LeiaFlower

Confident
The dependency is starting to weaken. I started opening up to my sister. She helped me realize I can still be friends with her but can’t give everything for her. Dropping everything and putting all my emotions into the relationship where she’s not able to reciprocate. I no longer feel the need to protect her in her relationship. The protection was what triggered everything else. I thought if he hurt me or she hurt me then she won’t be hurt by him. I thought by allowing things that I didn’t necessarily want to happen then I’ll somehow protect her.

I’m widen out with other relationships and trying to find community in other people. It’s helping a little.
 
Top